Edited 17/02/2021
Can anyone at all - maybe adopted - help me please?
catanddog
August 1, 2018 11:54
Hello everyone I'm looking for some help as my marriage is hitting difficult times. I'll try to be brief... My husband was adopted as a child into a family who then went on to have 3 other children "of their own". He had a difficult childhood -always feeling the odd one out. For the first 10 years or so of our marriage they were a part of it, and we did family things, meals etc and on the surface all was well. There was a spilt in the family due to a messy divorce with his sister, and Adam chose to walk away from his adopted family. I supported his decision obviously. He traced his birth mother about 7 years later, and for a while this was a fabulous relationship - but his siblings struggled to accept us and his birth mother played mind games and was cruel - and again for the sake of all our mental heath we walked away. Very diffcult times, and even I am still grieving for them to be honest. I loved them very much and cant understand to this day why they wouldnt just accept us. The after adoption people said this is not uncommon in reunions and that a high percentage don;t work out like they do on the TV. So , here we are 6 years later and I don;t know what to do. Please believe me I am not criticising Adam, or under playing the trauma he has faced - but I'm so tired. Adam will say things like "i haven;t got any family " and it really upsets me - we have been married 30 years and have 2 children - so what are we then? My parents love him like a son, as does my sister and her family - but its as if we don;t count. He has taken to exaggerating things that have happened in the past as if to make them seem worse? Why? he won;t have any form of counselling and yet is so closed down. He is cold to live with, and puts me down - maybe to make himself seem better I dunno. He will poke fun at others in jest - but when its returned in fun he says hes had a life of misery and can;t take it? What on earth can i do? I want to help but tbh am exhausted. Please help if you can -what can i do? i want to say - right- look at what you have got and be happy for whats to come- but then i feel like i am a bad person .
Donatella
August 1, 2018 12:04
Hi. Just wanted to respond. I have no experience of this but just thought it might be helpful to flag up the following website. http://www.forums.afteradoption.org.uk I donât think itâs unusual for reunions to not always be the rosy experience that TV often depicts. Your husband is bound to feel a sense of loss I imagine - nowadays adoption is quite different, the reasons for adoption are different and I think thereâs probably more openness about it. Weâve just completed therapeutic lifestory work with my 12 year old so sheâs aware of her story, warts and all. Anyway hope the above helps.
Edited 17/02/2021
Larsti
August 1, 2018 13:39
If you can get some counselling for YOU that may be the way to go. I am not sure if it needs to be adoption related or not (if you see what I mean). I notice you said your husband won't have any form of counselling so that means maybe he won't change. So you need some support for you, living with him and his pain. Presumably he has deep rejection so at some level is rejecting you (you said he was cold). ((((catanddog))))) (you may want to edit your post to remove your DH's name by the way)
Edited 17/02/2021
Flosskirk
August 1, 2018 14:42
Hi. So sorry. There are support groups for adult adopters so it doesn't have to be about having counselling. Your local authority might have something. Or try PAC in London x
Edited 17/02/2021
sicklemoon
August 4, 2018 15:22
Oh bless you, itâs sounds tough at the moment and you have and are still trying to support and help your husband. I suspect that the double loss feels overwhelming for him. He has experienced being rejected initially by birth family, then his adoptive family and then his birth family again. It sounds like he has shut down to protect himself from the pain and is re writing his narrative hence why if feels like he may be exaggerating aspects of the past. Re writing our narrative is something we all do when we try to make sense of changes in our lives etc. He may be shutting you out because the concept of losing his direct family is so overwhelmingly terrifying that he can not face or deal with it. He may know inside that he is not treating you well and part of him may think, why would you stay, everybody else has rejected him. He sounds depressed but not ready to acknowledge or take action to get himself back on track. Itâs hard to live with depression both for the individual and theyâre loved ones. You will need support for yourself and will need to recognise that the responsibility for dealing with this is his, you can support and help but you canât lead or fix him. Unless of course he becomes a risk to himself. How he is feeling is understandable but it much harder for men I think as society tells them they should be âstrongâ and men often donât find talking helps...well my DH doesnât anyway, mention counselling and you should see the teeth sucking and the face! Good luck, I really hope you find ways through this. Xx
Edited 17/02/2021
Johanna
August 4, 2018 15:55
Hugs. I hope that you find some help. My DH likes Mindfulness talks ...you can access them on You Tube but this is not adoption related. All the best Johanna
Edited 17/02/2021
Ford Prefect
August 17, 2018 10:12
I think your husband is more likely depressed from your description. Unfortunately he sounds like the sort of character who is likely to reject help. Can he see there is a problem between the two of you or are you keeping this inside? I can understand how he could have taken the grief of loss and bound that up only to have it happen again and reinforce the rejection. However. He does have a family. You and your two children. If I were you I would concentrate on building that bond and forget the ones who have chosen to reject or abuse him. I offer this advice from a similar position although for different reasons. I came from a long line of late marriages over generations. My grandmother was born in 1875. Consequently my grandparents were either long dead or died shortly after I was born. My older parents died when I was in my 20âs and I am an only child with no cousins. My only relatives are three elderly aunts in their 90âs all in care with dementia in another country so under those terms Iâm alone except for my wonderful wife, our adopted children and my wifeâs extended family. They are my family in the here and now and I rely on them for support in the bad times. The past is in the past and although your husbandâs family have chosen paths which no longer cross his or in the case of his birth family by cause of their actions rejected him, he clearly has a wife that loves him enough to seek help for him and support him. His outlook will only change when he is able to bring himself to accept that the future is where his family is waiting for him not in the past and that is only going to be achieved properly when a good therapist can integrate the hurdle he is unable to get over into his life and help him move forward. It sounds like there are plenty of people in his life who care about him, try to help him to see that.
Edited 17/02/2021
pluto
August 17, 2018 10:49
Yes he needs therapy, but you need it as much. To become stronger and investigate what you want. He's playing psychiological games, pull, push, he victim, blaming others etc, he puts you down and that you do not deserve nor should you accept it. He is no longer a child but an adult, it is his responsibility as much as yours to make your marriage work. Now forget the blame game, the others who are mean, do not want relationships, put him in second place (this might be only in his idea, the reality might be slightly different) With this I want to say he plays as much a part in the reason why relationships don't last. As long as you play the role of rescuer, your relationship is likely to survive, but at your cost. You can not drag him to therapy so start with the things you can do/change, start by yourself. And that's therapy for you. Ones you start on this journey he might follow, become interested when. he starts to realise that there can be a lot at steak if you are the one to change and not him.
Edited 17/02/2021
pluto
August 17, 2018 11:02
My adopted 12 year old feels exactly like your husband, he has no 'real' family, I prefer his sibling, I do not understand him, hisbirth mother who abandoned him will understand him, everything what happens to him is someone elses fault, I do not love him etc, etc. I can guarantee you that how he preceives things, is only his truth, not mine.
Edited 17/02/2021
Archived
This topic is archived. New posts are not allowed.
