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you don't mention the age of child or bc, as if your bc are in late teens the advice might be different to what it would be if they are in primary school.obviously there are the usual lists of plus and minus points for the match which can help clarify your thoughtsall the bestl

HiThanks for replying.Our potential AC is 11 months old and our BC are 3 1/2 and 6 1/2.The child in question is very happy and bubbly and meeting their developmental milestones, but will need greater support in their teens and adult life due to possible congenital problems. There is also possible mild FAS, although this has been discounted by their paediatrician apparently.I have been researching and researching but of course every child is unique and will have their own response to their set of circumstances.We hope to meet their social worker soon and are trying to prepare questions, but as we've not had to deal with these issues before now it's hard to think what to ask.Any pointers? x

hard one to answer as only you would know the answer as a family.we as a family know we can cope with adhd asd fas dyspaxia and sleep disorders so therefor three of ours have a mixture of these problems.we adopted them seperatly.when we adopted our hobbit last year we knew we could cope with possible asd/behavioral probs.so when hobbit came we felt we can cope.try to think of situations and how you would cope with them.but you know i may be the only oe but if it feels right it might be that it is.good luck

Hi again and thanks for replying.It's funny, just writing stuff down helps clarify ones thoughts and makes it more real rather than theoretical. Plus knowing there are loads of you out there - just getting on with it :o) puts it into perspective. At the moment all I have is a list of potential symptoms and needs the little one may have, rather than knowing 'who they are' in a fuller more complete context. What a journey!

paper profiles are always a bit incomplete for obvious reasons really. I know that for my AS his first adoption fell through (before it happened) becoz on paper all they saw was a child with a severe learning disability, severe hearing impiarment, no speech, faecally incontinent, growth disorder, chromosomal abnormality and the potential for years of surgical and medical intervention. al of which is true, but, what they didn't see was the actual child and the actual child is actually very easy to care for despite all his very real problems, but on paper he looks absolutely dire! on the flip side you can have inadequate paper profiles that don't suggest there are any problems when there are in fact multiple problems. I ahd the advantage of living with AS as I was his fostercarer first, don't know how people make these kind of decisions based only on a paper profile.

My way of "deciding" is to go online and try and find and read blogs of families with children with the same health problems. You could also try and find a support group for the particular disability and talk or visit with parents. Good luck with your decision anyway.

Thanks for the support. I have been on a research bender for the last week and my mind is now swimming with facts and details. A great 'coincidence' came about through a chance conversation with a family friend too and it seems that their grandchild has the same/similar condition, so it looks like the support is coming together.I don't know what the next few weeks hold in store but we've committed to the link now....so here goes!Much love M

hope it goes welll

Keeping everything crossed for you!HCx

If you are an AUK member they do have a contact group for families with a child with extra needs - maybe talking to a "real" person would help?We have birth children and subsequently adopted 3 children with quite complex needs, and it has worked well for us. What we have found is that the character of a child is far more important than their "problems" and in someways having a clear and identifiable difficulty is easier than some of the complex behavioural and emotional baggage many children come with. Also it MAY be easier to access support in the future.Feel free to pm if you I can help you with thinking things through!Queenie

Thank you!!We're getting all the paperwork this week. I'm definitely getting a sense of the little person 'beyond' all the medical stuff. Plus my sw and their's are being great re: info and accessibility etc, their paediatrician is also happy to meet with us - apparently this is half the battle won!! Plus I've seen on other threads that not everyone has such a good rapport with their sw, where ours is lovely and is ringing us every other day to keep things moving.It's all a bit emotional and some friends are (rightly so I suppose) concerned that this is what we really want, but I take it more as a privilege to be considered for this very special poppet - who really, on day to day basis won't be that difficult to care for, it's probably more like managing the uncertainty, maintaining their health care and helping them come to terms with their circumstances as they grow.This forum has been such great support in the few days since I posted my 'wobble'.Thanks XWill keep you posted :o)

glad to hear you're getting over your 'wobble' and glad to hear your news.hope all goes welll

For what its worth, if you do go ahead with this match, I would caution you on how sensitively that introductions are made, and how quickly you proceed, from fc to you. The age of 9 to 12 months is a crucial time for attachment, and disruption at this stage is potentially very traumatic, which is the experience we have.We were told that our dd was a happy bubbly 10month old. We were thrilled to be matched with a baby, but she has several complex issues that we are having to deal with, and come to terms with, in spite of being a lovely kid. Best of luck.

It's always difficult as you don't know for sure what a child's needs will be, especially when they are so young. Don't get carried away by thinking that because of these known medical needs, your child wouldn't have any emotional, behavioural or learning needs. Having said that, our first child was placed at 12 months and has been a huge joy to us. She does have needs beyonds those we thought were potentially there at placement but because she's grown up with us, we accept these as being part of her.However, you do have other children to consider - who are not that old - so you do need to think about the impact on them and how they would handle the differences between them and their adopted sibling, and vice versa of course. As they won't be so very different in age, they are bound to compare themselves with each other. I think one thing that is hard to imagine is how children will interact together, but it would help to consider now what the issues might be.Also remember that any adopted child needs a huge amount of attention especially in the first few years. if the needs are greater than you are prepared for, this could uspet the dynamics of the whole family.Not trying to put you off - no one can make the decision but yourselves - just raising some points! Good luck

Hello,Thank you Red Dancer and Milly. These are really useful observations and I will definitely discuss with DH, SW and FC. It really is only by talking things through with those who've been there, done that and are still wearing the T'shirt that I can get a full grasp of the decisions we'll be making.We have a great support network, my littlest son's nursery have even said they don't mind if he has some time back at home if/when the little one comes - a sort of child's version of maternity leave, just to help keep everyone united and to help him adjust to the little one's arrival.We're still feeling very committed to this potential match and are now researching ways to create the best transition, for the whole family, if it happens.No doubt I'll be badgering you guys for more advice. I realised yesterday, while sitting in the park at a friend's child's party, that no one around me understands the enormous emotional rollercoaster I'm on at the moment and none of the happy children I was watching playing will have the same things to deal with as this potential little poppet. It's like being part of a 'secret club'. One phone call to my best mate, a quick read on the message board and a good cry later.... I'm feeling good to go and back 'Autumn cleaning' the house to death.Thank you for taking the time to share, it's making such a difference. :o) M