Edited 17/02/2021
What happens if your child makes contact with birth family?
lilyofthevalley
March 18, 2018 11:45
This used not to be an immediate concern for adoptive families. Rather it was a possibility that in adulthood the adoptee at whatever age might seek to find the birth mother and where possible the birth father. One sees such searches on television programmes. But social media has changed everything. My AS and his wife have had 6 children over the years. They have all been taken into care, the youngest two over the last few months. My AS suffers from ADHD and FASD. Although of normal intelligence, it is very clear to me that he is brain damaged. My daughter in law fits the profile of someone who suffers from an antisocial personality disorder. My children's birth parents were both chronic alcoholics. My DIL's mother had 8 children, all of whom were taken into care. A couple of weeks ago my oldest grandchild, now aged 14, who is in long term foster care with her sister, found her birth parents (my AS and DIL) on Facebook. She made contact with them. It was stated that the social worker would set up supervised contact for her to see them at her request. I have only a minimal Facebook presence through my son and DIL's page. Last night she made contact with me on Facebook. It is the first contact I have had with her in 8 years. I used to have a close relationship with her. Clearly I do not know all the facts. She has been in a stable caring foster home all these years. I used to have contact with the foster parents. They are a lovely couple. But there is clearly a lot of stress because I gather that the girl is currently in respite care. It seems that there are efforts to cut off her social media options - but she still made contact with me last night. I am very worried about the situation. The contact has been made by the girl, not by us. I have the highest regard for the foster parents and no one wants to sabotage the placement. But I feel that her wish for contact is not being facilitated and that she is rebelling. What has happened may not be desirable but it has happened. I think that allowing her to resume contact with her birth family would not undermine her placement but would strengthen it. I fear that, if obstacles are put in her way rather than treating the situation with sensitivity, there could be a breakdown of her placement with awful repercussions for all concerned. Lily
Pear Tree
March 18, 2018 12:29
Hi lily I think itâs fraught with difficulty. 14 is such a tricky age but if you are really supportive for her lily I can see I could be huge positive and really work. The problems I forsee are these. Your son and dil with the greatest respect arenât very âtogetherâ as people and may over promise and underdeliver. Theyâd need to be as supportive as you are. Offer the right sort of role models and declare drugs, drink and other vice things as bad news.... Is your granddaughter reaching out to you all as sheâs not being able to manage so well within her fc family? Do you want to be part of her rebellion? The involvement of ss. Tbh this is my biggest concern. I would try and avoid them as much as possible. They arenât good at communication and could lead one or other families to feel theyâre been taken up the garden path. Is there a way you could contact the fc and tell them youâre really very supportive of her life with them? That youâd like to meet up and talk it through? Tread carefully my friend. You know what a pickle so many of our teens are in at 14 and to the fc this might see this to be a huge rejection two fingers up at all theyâve done for this young lady. Especially if sheâs given them a particularly rough ride of late. Things that went wrong for us and birth family connection was that ss were involved and traced and involved birth family behind our backs. They encourage âreconciliationâ with bf if a child is in care in England and this is hopeless for many adoptive families. In blossoms this gave her over into a nest of vice and âexcitingâ lifestyles where we stood no chance at all. This is a completely different scenario I realise but be alert to how sneaky ss can be I know the last thing you want to do is to tread on a potentially fragile situation because ss put you all in that position.
Edited 17/02/2021
Serrakunda
March 18, 2018 12:30
I would hope that the FC and SWs involved could see that you understand the complexities of the situation and are supportive of the placement. At 14 I think they are old enough to have some say in whether they have contact with birth family. Hope something can be resolved
Edited 17/02/2021
lilyofthevalley
March 18, 2018 13:57
This is an interesting article: https://www.nacac.org/resource/helping-children-connect-with-birth-parents/ Lily
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
March 18, 2018 14:29
I agree with your assessment that contact that is positive and supportive of her placement would be a good thing - particularly as she has initiated it. Given the potential pitfalls of her contact with her birth parents I would see it as even more beneficial you could be involved. She must have memories of you all and probably wants to try and piece all the bits together. I think if you could contact FCs and maybe arrange to meet up with them to talk things through and work out what might be best for all of you that might be the way forward
Edited 17/02/2021
ham
March 18, 2018 15:11
could you contact the FC yourself and make her aware of what is going on and see what her views are on the matter
Edited 17/02/2021
ham
March 18, 2018 15:11
could you contact the FC yourself and make her aware of what is going on and see what her views are on the matter
Edited 17/02/2021
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