Archived Forums

I know exactly how you feel. Attacking me is one thing but I hate that BC has to witness me being attacked constantly but even more difficult when it is them being the target.Don't know the answer. It did dawn on me that if I had a partner behave this way I would have asked them to leave or I would have left by now. Domestic violence and emotional abuse is one thing but when it is a child doing it to you on planet adoption it seems we are supposed to roll over and take some more!!! When we ask for help for littlies in such desperate distress it is not always forthcoming or certainly not at the speed you need it!Keep strong for your own sanity as BDs need you even more.

Know it's hard - but when you are worn out with acting out behaviour - but you need to get some help with this It won't be easy to come by, but you need to push and push to get some good professional support. This isn't usual sibling stuff - this is the effect that trauma has on a young child which is then played out in the new family and the effects can be devestating. We experienced this and believe me, I got to the point where I didn't think I could take any more. Our younger adopted daughter behaviour was adversely affecting all of us. You need some high quality intervention which is supportive of all the families needs. It is soul distroying watching your family fall apart - because of the effect that your adopted child has on everyone else... We went through a few very very tough years but with some high intensity therapy for all of us, we are now at a point where things are a lot better... but we really hit rock bottom (don't want to post publically too many details) Know what you mean - if it was my husband doing this to me and my bd, I would have left him years ago... I wouldn't have put up with that level of behaviour... I feel really guilty that my bd has had to go through all she has - wasn't quite what she signed up to - she thought she was getting a little sister to play with... none of us realised how it would be and it would be so tough. Try and give both children some individual time - know it's hard when you're struggling and partner works / money is tight etc. But especially for our birth daughter - even 30mins later bedtime so she could have a little bit of time with me without being hit/ bitten / kicked / raged at made a difference. It was never 'enough' but it was something. Similiarly - once a week we'd put a date in the diary where we'd do something together. At times I was so exhausted and it was hard to achieve (especially knowing you'd face further fallout on the return) but it helped my eldest to know I cared about her and to have some respite from the intensity of it all. Somehow in the madness - you need to make a little time for you... Know it is hard to organise, but living it 24-7 is not sustainable and you need to keep yourself well if you are to manage the children and all their needs. I felt so guilty but you need a break sometimes - even an hour off, for yourself or to do something with your partner. You need to refuel your own energy levels... It is so hard when the children's needs are so great but unless you keep yourself well and strong - you won't be able to keep going for them. I had to and still have to keep on reminding myself that it is the behaviour of a child who has been let down by her birth parents and 'the system'. It isn't her fault how she is and though it almost destroyed me at times, I couldn't give up on her. I am a Christian and I truly believe that she was given to us for a reason... At times it felt like we were being tested beyond anything that we could cope with - but we have emerged the other side now and we are stronger as a family for it. Things are so much better now - looking back I don't know how we survived it but we did... combination of some skilled therapists, the friends who 'got it' medication and some other amazing professionals. Please ask for help - Know it's hard to come by, but it can make such a difference if you get the right support. Wishing you all the best. Meg

Hi TadI don't know how old your BDs are but please get some help. See my recent post on this forum about the effect on our BD. It's so important that they are supported.We're going to be doing a story book with our BD - the warts and all of adopting a brother or sister. The psychologist working with us is going to help facilitate.This will run alongside the life story work for AD.MMx

Meg and mog has some great points.But I wanted to mention about respiteAsk for respite- even a pickup from school and a few hours to go swimming or bowling etc with a trained support worker.I used to find it hard to let my ad go off and enjoy various activities and it seemed almost rewarding her often horrid behaviour and leaving me and the others at home.What I hadn't banked on was what a HUGE BeNefit this was to the other children.Just a few hours with me (mum) and then with mr pt coming home from work before Blossom came home from respite.My teen adoptive son and our bc really were blessed by this time and actually Partridge so looked forward to it he would count down to the day / eveningSo give it some thought.PAS can fund or perhaps pass you onto the disability team for direct payments funding.

Following on from what PT says, - here there is a sibling club for those who have siblings with additional needs.It has always seemed a bit odd that they get taken out when I thought they could benefit with some quality parent time without the child with difficulties. So I would echo trying to get a break for your ad so you can chill with BD.

Thanks everyone. We have had a couple of failed attempts at camhs over the years, but have recently found a play therapist who will do some work privately, so we're going to give it a go, even if we have to pay ourselves. As you all say, we need some intervention. Thanks for your support & ideas