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Ditto but with 2 boys (non siblings). One has left to join the services, but the other one is a total nightmare. He's been excluded, suspended, you name it from school. He's in a PRU now when he can be bothered to go, and almost always stoned on whatever he can get hold of. Or in court. We have a family do over the weekend, and I'm paying him to stay away. He doesn't care about our family anyway, and will probably be off getting stoned with the worst of the town scumbags. Neither of them absorbed a single one of our traits - we may as well have just not bothered adopting and saved ourselves the heartache and cost. Adoption isn't a route to a family, it's free childcare for Social Services, who are no use at all, and years of mental anguish for those daft enough to sign on the dotted line. 18 months until I can legally kick his backside out. And counting...

No you are not alone!! Our child is younger (9) and we have sacrificed just about everything, adapted our whole lives, it seems for little result... However, I do try to talk positively about my boy. He is not a bad child, he did not create any of this mess for himself and is worth every effort we make. Tho it has just about destroyed us tbh. It would destroy us even more to view him as intrinsically negative. No advice - just to say, no you are definitely not alone, and I would say many (in my experience) adoptive families suffer more than the odd manageable meltdown. Thinking of you and sending you support - be kind to yourself xx

You are definitely not alone. I write to a friend of mine often and when AD was just a few months shy of her sixteenth birthday (last summer) I wrote: "I won’t be mentioning anything about X's exclusion from school; time in a correction facility; complete lack of effort at GCSEs and the risk of potential failure there; no substantiated plans from Sept onwards in terms of education; suspected (and somewhat confirmed) drug use; risk of Child Sexual Exploitation: her interview under caution with the police for her alleged sexual abuse of another; her arrest for common assault – taken away in handcuffs and five and a half hours in police cell; the racist hate text that she has been sending to her best friend; the endless – countless – hours that we’ve spent with the police because she has gone missing; or her now leaving the parental home to re-connect with her birth siblings on two occasions (the second one on-going)." This was all in the three months or so since I had last written. Didn't even bother to mention the constant shouting whenever she didn't get her own way. Her verbal abuse (which turned to - relatively mild - physical abuse) to DH and I, the non-stop allegations and, frankly, the feeling of hate towards us. These were not the odd, manageable meltdown. They were a contant, recurring nightmare. We were 11 years in at that point. Was it successful? No, not really. AD is now expecting her first child (aged 16) and has left home to live in unsuitable accommodation with her BoyF. Was it stressful? Yes, incredibly. Has it ended happily? Well, AD is happy (at the moment); DH and I are far from happy. Sorry that I can't tell you a positive on this one; I wish that I could. I can tell you that my other child (aged 9) is doing really well but I don't think that this will really help you. I am thinking of you and all others going through this. It is not easy (understatement). It is hard, unrelentingly hard. There is no magic bullet, no. But if there is anyway that you can let as much of it go as possible (as in non-reaction) then this might help. I wish that I had done more of that with AD. Best wishes to you and your wife.

You are definitely not alone - and sadly in our experience it just gets even worse as they go through their teens...though I hear its gets better as the reach mid-20s though we're yet to get there! Can I recommend you take a look at the Potato Group (Parents of Traumatised Adopted Teens) as you'll find you are far from alone.... https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/

Imo it's just how it is. People with disabled children have a hard time too. Loads of people for whatever reason. Life is about coping what you get, and this is ours. Try to stop being attached to particular outcomes which you will never realise, particularly with reference to what your kids ought to be doing. I think it's the only way to stay sane!!

Hugs to you and your wife. It can be so hard. The POTATO group has loads of shared experience and sometimes just knowing that people really understand the way home life is, can help. Johanna x

Firstly, you are not alone, many of us have been though similar experiences and we really do know how you are feeling. You are pushed to breaking point and then beyond, things that you thought were unacceptable suddenly become normalised, as behaviours continue to be pushed beyond what you thought were the limits. You already know there is no easy answer and by the looks of it you seem to have done every possible intervention. I really wanted to respond to your final questions in terms of what might be a successful outcome: “Did it ever end for you?” To put in bluntly - Yes – when I locked my AS out of the family home when he was 15 and refused to have him back. “I mean, did it end successfully?” Well… nearly 5 years have passed which featured for him; more and more court appearances; escalating drug/alcohol abuse; frequent movement of accommodation (due to criminal damage when he was having a drug/alcohol fuelled melt downs) and finally a fairly lengthy prison sentence. Contact during the five years was sporadic, there were short periods of time when he was relatively settle and we see each other, he even held down a job for a few months, other times when I heard nothing at all (usually when he had been in trouble again). I think we really reconnected when he was in prison, he was clean and really I was the only person looking out for him, visiting regularly and making sure things were looked after. He has been out a few months now and still clean (I think), hasn’t been in any trouble and has moved away to a different area to get away from a certain group he used to get involved with. The friends he has kept seem to be more settled (got jobs, girlfriends and even children); these are the ones he chooses to spend time with now. I still remember picking him up when he was released and the car journey when he talked about wishing to turn back time and change how he had behaved when he was at home (closest thing to an apology I have ever had). He still can’t budget but I take him shopping once a week to make sure he doesn’t starve; we sometimes go to the cinema or for a meal. He is keen to go back to college and is actively seeking work. He still hasn’t been back to visit the family home, I don’t think any of us are ready for that. In my mind if he can say out of trouble, clean and get a job we will all have climbed a mountain together. For us that will be success. Hugs to you all.

Hi. I think things change and we are better able to do life because circumstances change. Our most disturbed ad blossom moved due to extreme violence and awful stuff aged 12 to a specialist therapeutic community. Even at a 5:1 ratio they ultimately couldn’t manage her and social care tried but were very unhelpful ultimately. I find those awful ss meetings where I cannot get idiots to understand are still traumatic. My as partridge left home badly aged 20. Lots of lying and horribleness at the time but I’d done some work on ‘roadmap to leaving home’ by holly van gulden. This kept a positive thread going and I’m still in contact with my son. In some ways positive life choices- job and currently living in a nice flat But underneath he’s a pathological liar and has a girlfriend who is thoroughly bad news. But I don’t live in fear of the latest beating The next police visit. The awful fear around what’s happening next. We had psychotherapy when things were ar the point of partridge leaving home and this was extremely helpful Found potato group a total joy throughout

Hi. I think things change and we are better able to do life because circumstances change. Our most disturbed ad blossom moved due to extreme violence and awful stuff aged 12 to a specialist therapeutic community. Even at a 5:1 ratio they ultimately couldn’t manage her and social care tried but were very unhelpful ultimately. I find those awful ss meetings where I cannot get idiots to understand are still traumatic. My as partridge left home badly aged 20. Lots of lying and horribleness at the time but I’d done some work on ‘roadmap to leaving home’ by holly van gulden. This kept a positive thread going and I’m still in contact with my son. In some ways positive life choices- job and currently living in a nice flat But underneath he’s a pathological liar and has a girlfriend who is thoroughly bad news. But I don’t live in fear of the latest beating The next police visit. The awful fear around what’s happening next. We had psychotherapy when things were ar the point of partridge leaving home and this was extremely helpful Found potato group a total joy throughout

Thanks folks, this is really helpful. It's reassuring (although rather damning of the whole adoption bubble) to know that it's not just us. It's also worrying to read that some of your cases are far worse than ours - take care of yourselves, people! So many of you have recommended the potato group that we'll definitely be joining that. We know there's no fix but having someone with an understanding ear always helps. Thanks again, to you ALL.

As I sit and read these comments it feels comforting to know that our family is not alone. We have encountered physical, emotional and verbal abuse from ad. Despite all the support she has been given she has made bad life choices - regular police involvement, pathological lying, stealing, vice, teenage pregnancy, excluded from school. She no longer lives at home and like pear tree I don’t have to fear the police knocking on my door, having to lock everything away or the emotional/ physical abuse. Like others the abnormal became normalised. She has zero empathy and continues to hurt us even though she is not here. I have made the difficult decision to cut contact for my own sanity and welfare.

I am lucky - but after many turbulent years my DD - aged 21- seems to be doing much better - she is going to be moving back into supported housing, at present has 18 hours support a week - is trying her very best - is loving and I am very proud of her - she has had no education since aged 13 - struggles to go outside but is getting better with the wonderful support workers - she has additional diagnosis of PDA type autism and borderline PD - and is pleased at last she has psychiatric profs who believe in her difficulties - for many years all this never seemed possible - in amongst the awfulness of child protection etc we had some wonderful support from other adopted families, CATCHPOINT and Barnardos - I wish everyone had been as lucky as us