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Oh that must be v hard to deal with maryb. It must be very hurtful to feel sidelined after giving so much. Personally i would put a smile on my face and be pleased for her ( at least outwardly if that was all i could manage ) . I would bide my time to see how it all pans out in the future. It may crash and burn or it may be a positive thing for her. Either way i would be non judgemental, keep any opinions about birth family to myself and play the long game. Oh and find safe places to vent your feelings like on here where others have coped with similar issues. Sending best wishes x

Hugs from here too. Viewpoints change as young people mature and nobody can say what the outcome will be. Wishing you all the best in this complex situation. Johanna x

Hugs from here too. Viewpoints change as young people mature and nobody can say what the outcome will be. Wishing you all the best in this complex situation. Johanna x

Hi Mary B I had a similar situation a few years ago with my eldest AD. She had been a very troubled girl from puberty onwards and seemed desperate to leave our family which she demonstrated in many ways. I hung onto her until she was 18 and then like you I had to deal with this . Pictures on FB with hearts and flowers and /my sweet mummy' captions. BF's family being hailed as her parents...but it all came tumbling down because of course none of those relationships meant anything really and there was no deep connections made....BF and her split up; 'Mummy' disappeared. Sadly, we remain estranged but that's another story. My younger AD aged 17 has just made contact with bfamily with my knowledge and support but is quite a different character so she is just exchanging chitchat mainly with an aunt and half brother- bmum finds it all a bit too much. With both of them, even the estranged one, I feel our bond is there and will remain. Your 12 years are not wasted and you are her family. Try to take it one day at a time and know your worth. The love and care you have given her cannot be shaken off so easily. Hugs

It is painful, and I don't want to minimise that. But once the honeymoon phase is over things may well change, and your DD still has the possibility of maturing and changing perspective (the brain keeps developing into the mid 20s). My DD aged 19, who stormed out a few weeks before the age of 16, has changed a lot in the past year - to the point where I enjoy spending time with her - from the age of 13 she was a bundle of rage and resentment and I had to grit my teeth and try to be positive with her... so hang on in. Maybe see if you can access some counselling to deal with your feelings (or take up kick boxing :) )

Just wanting to send you love and hugs from us both as our DD ran away recently at 16 with a controlling boyfriend and I know how much it hurts. We gave 10 years of love and care and really bonded with her. She has attachment disorder and finds it really hard to show her feelings, but up until a year before she left we felt that we were really making progress and she was enjoying our company. She was our only child and we feel devastated. Her boyfriend is currently encouraging her to contact her birth family. I know you say it is difficult but it is really positive that she is back and that you get the chance to bond again. I think most adopted children contact their birth families but it doesn't always result in a happy ending. The 12 years of love and nurture you gave her will mean something and have not been wasted. We live in hope that the love we have given will register at some point in the future. I wish you well and hope that you can rebuild your relationship.

Really painful especially when you were so positive and keen to support her, she did it & hurt you nevertheless. We’ve offered to be a steady support when the time comes for seeing bf but blossom did it in a very damaging way, partridge doesn’t want to know his bf. I think if you have her at home you have the chance to keep a relationship going with dd.

It happened to us and it really really hurt but she is back now after disappearing for 6 weeks wanting to have mum and dad tattooed on her wrist with the date we adopted her (not that I like tatoos!) the grass wasn’t greener the other side. I totally understand how hurtful it is after all the years of love you/we have put in. Really horrid.

I'm sorry to hear your story which is similar to ours. After an out of the blue Facebook post our AD went straight to a risky birth family even though she had knowledge of their behaviours. She hoped that they would have changed and wanted an apology. I don't know about coping but we had to manage as we had no choice. Eventually after a few months of on and off trying out the dream of birth family, our AD decided that birth mum could not address her needs and was needy herself. She also discovered that she was dishonest, self centred and unable to take any responsibility for her past and our AD's trauma. This came at a cost to our AD who was re traumatised and birth mum who was admitted to psychiatric care for a while. After two years our AD still has impulses to discover her birth father who may well be riskier than birth mum. After the last failed attempt and DNA test our AD overdosed but came through it wanting to cling to us as her real family. When it was pretty unbearable I would discuss my range of worries with a post adoption support worker and I could go to an informal meeting of adopters in our area each month. I also kept myself as active and connected to friends as possible. My daughter says she eventually changed her mind about birth family when I stopped at a service station on the way to dropping her off to them and she says she saw the pain on my face, doing what I didn't ever want to do. I believe that she saw the pain but she also had grave doubts herself and felt no real joy in reconnecting with them. Sad all round really but I no longer view birth mum as a threat to our daughter and do not really think about her much now.

I really feel for you Mary B. Our AD has suffered from depression as a result of bullying at school and cyber bulling. She has had psychological help and suffers from trauma and a multitude of other issues including attachment trauma and ADHD in the last year. We have supported her and helped her always. We always said we would help her to contact her birth parents when she was ready at eighteen but she went behind our backs and tracked them down in May this year. My wife and I,and our AS are all devastated. We now find ourselves in a situation where all the years we have cared for her and loved her counts for nothing as she threatens us and spites us with comments about how wonderful her birth family are and that they are her real blood family. The birth family saying they will take care of her but don't want to take over. It is all very hurtful and emotionally draining. All we can hope is that our love and values stay with her and as she matures and comes to realise where her true worth lies. Thinking of you all and hoping over time things change for the better.

dlink i am so sorry you are having such a rubbish time but it is v likely that this new found euphoria over her birth family will come crashing down soon enough as reality sets in. These children wouldnt be adopted if ther families could meet their needs ( obviously ) so the chances of them doing it now must be v slim. I hope things improve for you as well given a bit of time.

That sounds heartbreaking for you. I know what you mean about the complete change of attitude. Our eldest can do this although fortunately we have not been in a similar situation so far. I think it is a sense of rejection coupled with excessive self defensiveness. In your case all complicated by the excitement of the boyfriend and bm. Hopefully once the novelty wears off a bit (or something goes wrong) she'll reconnect. Try to keep in touch (texts?) so she knows you're there for her when she wants you and stay strong.

That must be so hard- I feel for you. But as Milly has said, once the novelty wears off and reality of birth family sets in, I’m absolutely sure that she will see the reality and will be back in touch with you. In the meantime I would try and maintain some connection so she knows that you are always there for her no matter what and are ready to reconnect when the time is right for her - Give it time but I’m sure it won’t be too long xxx

Don't know but a lot of people who have no link to adoption have a belief that it's important to link to birth families and lack understanding of why children come to be adopted. Maybe he's picked up on her (natural) interest and feels that it's right to promote this. If she's like my AD of the same age, she would have a strong desire to make contact and he is supporting that, maybe even making it seem inevitable and easy.

Maybe he’s playing the “rescuer” (in his eyes) - the ones who brings the lost family together - and helps her return where she “belongs” - it gives him a powerful emotional role and means she will be “grateful” to him - as someone who “understands” her and is able to make her wishes / fantasies come true?

Its also something Social workers often seem to encourgae when they come into contact with troubled adopted teenagers who are having issues with adoptive parents. Instead of encouraging the reconnect at such a difficulst time, I have seen often on these forums, it said that sw encouraged bf contact

A further update to our story. Our AD is now so traumatised by the birth mother's rejection who refuses to believe our AD has depression or mental health issues and is only rude to her. The relationship built on sand has now collapsed completely. Our AD has now had a mental breakdown as a result and is putting herself at risk by running away,drinking and doing drugs with older men. It seems this is the way she is coping. Her mum and me are at our wits end with social services, sexual exploitiation team and the police all involved. We are trying to get her counselling and some psychological help but now she has turned sixteen it seems impossible. We keep telling the professional her behaviour is a result of the relationship with her birth mother but nobody is listening. Now she has temporarily moved out and we have difficulty tracking where she is and being accused of being rubbish parents when if it hadn't been for us, and all the support and help we have given her she would be dead now. Has anybody experienced this situation before? She seems to be repeating patterns of behaviour and lurches from one crisis to another then we have a lull and then something worse happens. Has anybody got any advice?

Hi yes, My advice is for you to get psychotherapy. You cannot change or fix any of this, but you owe it to yourselves not to become worn out husks of people

Our girls are now adult but their birth mother moved to our area some years ago which created problems we had to deal with, coupled with the fact that she is our former foster child. It was very hard and the girls had to manage many difficult emotions. So did we! In the end truth is better than fantasy and the girls both felt pulled and pushed in many directions. This went on for some years but now they accept her as part of their life story and they have no expectations of a long term positive relationship with her. They can relate okay for a short while. Getting to this stage was very hard and PT is right when she advises you to look after yourselves. Both our girls experienced rejection and then a lot of fussing over. The brain changes and matures till around the age of 25yr old. They no longer have the same reactions to her behaviours. You are doing all you can in flagging up your daughter as a vulnerable young person. Concentrate on yourselves as much as you can. Wishing you all the best. Johanna