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Absolutely.....if we'd known the reality of that challenge and all it has cost us on so many levels, I'm not sure we'd have gone ahead.

Totally agree and would take it one step further (having “parented” a BD and AS) I wouldn’t even call it “parenting”, not now anyway – it is something else. Agree with you too Bop – I wouldn’t have taken it on – first time I’ve actually admitted that.

Also totally agree.. We face daily battles and when one is over another one rears it's head. We are 2.5 years in.. I haven't been prepared in any way shape or form for dealing with behaviours and a child with attachment issues. And as we adopted from a neighbouring LA have been offered little to no support. Its parenting at a whole new level.... I have also a birth child.. I assumed love routine safe home would 'heal' how very wrong was I.

"Parenting a child with attachment difficulties is a widely underestimated challenge..." That's an understatement !!!!!

I think things could get to the stage where people just don't adopt any more, but are long-term foster carers. When you adopt, there is an expectation of creating a family that isn't really achievable given that you have to parent therapeutically most of the time. This puts things on a 'professional' level which is at odds with the concept of family life. Adopted children aren't really 'yours'. It's hard to hear this, and even harder to admit, but I think people need to understand not only how the child can feel, but how they themselves can feel even years into the adoption process (16 years in my case!). TBH it feels like a bit of a con - social services present themselves as all-powerful leading up to the actual adoption, (one wrong statement or question and they threaten to stop it all!!), then they vanish once the papers are signed! You're on your own and they are suddenly powerless to help with anything. Fostering seems much more honest - the expectations are not there and there is training and support. I don't imagine the outcomes would be different either.

I don't agree about the LTFC issue - I think for some children its really important to belong to the adoptive family and they do not want the link to the birth family - but may feel this is forced on them by the experience of adoption - I do think SS seem to have a view that the birth family is the more important one - as letterbox definitely supports this view - especially in cases where the children were too young to remember. But yes - parenting a child with attachment difficulties is DEFINITELY a widely underestimated challenge - what a brilliant choice of words for a report!

I think you do have to remember that experience of adoption varies enormously. We have our share of frustrations with SWs and support, we have our challenges But my son is definitely mine, we are absolutely a family. Adoption was best for him

However adoption was also very right for my son... And he belongs in our family a million percent... It's just bloody hard work most of the time! But still hugely rewarding :) xx

I agree with safia , serrakunda and smile. . I am a ltfc of a child with complex needs and also an adoptor so i am qualified to make a comment i think. I love all my kids the same ( bc x3 also) but it does feel different with my adopted one as opposed to the fostered child. I feel he is totally mine and there is an extra bond there because I dont have to worry that he will ever be removed whereas with our fc i always have a slight worry that we could lose him so i think it is natural to hold a little bit back. So personally. i think adoption is the best outcome possible for a child if they are unable to live with their birth families as it gives both the child and the parents that security of belonging to each other . I would love to be able to adopt our fc but so far it has not been possible to for complex reasons but i would love nothing more than to be able to say that i am his mum and to me that would be the icing on the cake !

Surely so much of this debate depends on the child and where they are at in their head. I have AD (age 14) who is kicking and screaming her way through this - wanted to be adopted (age 5) now "has hated every minute of it" for the last ten years, or so she told me last week. I have AS (age 7) who, currently thinks we're fab and his life is fab. It is an absolute challenge, no one that I know can even begin to estimate the challenge. AD was 5+ when she came to live with us (in FC from age 3.5 years); AS was 20 months when he came here and was in mother and baby FC (for 3 months) and then FC till he came to us. Totally different experiences. Totally different children. At the moment I would say that attachment difficulties + hormones is making AD's life almost intolerable (she just can't get over the fact that she needed to be adopted) whereas AS is cool with it all (can't wait for his hormones to kick in). So, yes, I'm agreeing that it is a huge challenge. But just chucking out there that sometimes / child situations it is more challenging than others.

Eric makes some very good points!

Eric ?

EricBloom

"Parenting a child with attachment difficulties is a widely underestimated challenge....." If I had known just how hard this was going to be I would have never done this.