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All of us probably! I felt like it all three times - but it passes. You’re all still strangers to each other. They don’t know you , nor will they yet trust you. And yoi haven’t yet learned to translate behaviour into communication. What do you think their behaviour is telling you. That they’re scared, grieving for their losses, wondering how long they’re going to be here, so on. Try thinking about their emotional age rather than chronological. He’s probably 3 going on 18 months emotionally. Would you tell an 18 month old No? Or try distraction. Positive rather than negative statements. So not ‘don’t throw’ but find a way to distract and move on. Fewer words. Think younger. It will get easier but you’ve gone from a family of two to a family of four overnight. It’s going to take time - but in the meantime look after yourselves

We are at exactly the same stage as you. A week into them moving in - a two year old and a three year old! Our 3yr old is doing the same. We are using the therapeutic parenting approach . When he starts his demanding, snatching of toys and hitting out we simply remove him from the room, hold him tight and explain that we can see he is finding this difficult and begin to do some ‘wondering’ with him as to what he is feeling. ‘I wonder if he is hungry’ ‘ I wonder if he is sad - or we simply calmly explain that we can’t let him do whatever it was that he was doing because it would hurt him or his sister. We then hold him close until he is calm and ready to re-engage. Sometimes we have had to do this a second time as as soon as we release him he is straight back at it but we simply calmly remove him again and repeat the process. As yet we have not had to do it move than twice. It does try your patience. We have so far remained very calm and neutral in our voice and manners but I know it won’t always be like this. If you are not a member of the therapeutic parents Facebook page I advise you too. These kind of behaviours are dealt with often there. You can also join the national association of therapeutic parenting where there is lots of practical online support and training in dealing therapeutically with these behaviours. Ultimately it is very early days for both of us. Most people say there is little enjoyment or pleasure for the first few months or even longer. I am clinging to that. We have had two babies previously placed with us under concurrency although returned home and even though both were new borns I was never as tired and emotionally exhausted as I have been this last week. We have also done a lot of respite for a couple of toddlers but the 24/7 with no end in sight is very different. I don’t question are decision though. I know we will work through this with lots of support and advice from professionals, the therapeutic association, our support network and ourselves. Self-care is really important. Currently we are taking it morning about to get up with them. That extra hour or so alone upstairs in the morning I either sleep, catch up on the world on I-pad or even have a bath is amazing!

Ok deep breaths. Two weeks is no time at all. You are all in shock. Its a really tough time for everyone. Your children have just lost everything and are terrified, three is really such a baby. Thats your starting point. You need to be thinking a lot younger than they are, lots of nurturing and babying. Try and keeps things calm and don't make too many demands of them or expect too much. Can you identify if anything in particular sets him off, if you can then prevention is better, when they are in a paddy you can't reason with him - not that you can reason with a three year old at the best of times. People experience all sorts of emotions and feelings at this time - you are most certainly not alone in them. The question really is are you committed to these children, if you are then its heads down and tough it out. These children have to learn to trust you and that takes time. Are you getting support from your SW?

Yes I had those feelings and I adopted one child at a time. It is such an enormous shock to the system isn’t it and I really mourned my old life in those first few months. And I felt a huge responsibility and felt that I wasn’t good enough. I lost a stone in weight in the first few weeks- I was so tired and stressed! And of course my poor wee baby was terrified, unsettled, crying a lot, not feeding well etc.... But it does get better. I swore in those early days that I wouldn’t adopt again, but 4 years later I did. I wouldn’t be without them now and I don’t miss my old life - I have a new life and new world and it’s good- I’m 10’years in now Give it time and be kind to yourselves xxxx

Thank you all for your comments and support. We are getting support from our sw and their sw too, I guess we are all just in shock. The trigger for the outbursts for both boys (5 and 3) seems to be when we ask them to do something they don't want to like getting dressed or putting toys away. I'm just trying to take each day at a time but I keep thinking back to my life pre-children and how I miss it. I feel bad saying that but it's how I feel.

Don’t ask them. Make it a game - mummy ours toy a away while lo puts toy b away. Which toy shall we put away first - this one or that one. Give choices, don’t make demands. I know they’re not really demands as such but living with a child with pda has helped me see that pretty much any request will be interpreted as a demand and demands cause anxiety. And that triggers the flight, fight, freeze reflex. They’re still using their primitive brain rather than their thinking brain - read Bruce Perry. Pick your battles carefully. Help them to get dressed. Do it for them if they’ll let you. Right now they need to learn to depend on you, to trust you - before they can learn appropriate independence. Again, think toddler. It’s not about giving in or being too soft. It’s about meeting their needs at a much younger age. Redoing stuff that they’ve missed out on. Building bonds. Back to basics. Your life has changed irrevocably now - it’ll never be the same. That’s not to say it’s worse, just different. And it’ll take time to adapt. It’s hard. But it will get better

https://www.adoptionuk.org/different-kind-parenting/wall There’s a clickable link on this page. Worth a look.

And this. A bit techie but explains about building blocks https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

We are also using a visual time-table for the day. We take it half a day at the time - it includes breakfast, getting dressed, play, toilet breaks, snack breaks and the activities we are doing. If they don't want to do something we simply point them towards the pictures showing them where we are in the day and why we need to go do that so that we can do the next thing. They usually (not 100% but certainly the majority of times) accept this and do what we ask. With tidying up we are doing 90% ( actually probably 99%) of it but with each tidying up activity if they are putting one thing away we feel we have not had to back down in our request. The therapeutic parents page has helped me realise that every behaviour is a response to a feeling or a need on their part. Tonight's meltdown for us was because big brother wanted a shower and therefore did not want little sister to have a bath. A snuggle and time in we realised that he had a fear that his little sister might not be ok without him ( he has had a fear of the bath in the past). I will be honest whilst this is working for us at the moment it is totally hard work and I fear that we will be doing this level of support for the rest of our lives but I am also reassured that consistent therapeutic parenting does eventually start to show some rewards and things can get easier.

And parenting needs to flex. What works one day/month/year won’t work the next day. Mine are older now with a range of diagnoses - therapeutic parenting has its place but when their issues are organic - Autism and adhd in our case - then we use other techniques too. NVR, Earlybird etc. You have to find what works for you but accept that you’re not going to get it right all the time. And that’s okay. Routine, consistency, scaffolding but being adaptable too. Three children, three different parenting techniques here.

Answer to your question is "oh yes". We didn't manage to finish a cup of tea for months and were absolutely knackered. You do move on though. Now I'd think nothing of taking our 2 and 2 of their friends out for a few hours. It's a bit like learning to ride a bike. You'll get the hang of it, 3 year old and 4 year old seemed to put up resistance any time we wanted them to get up, eat, get dressed or go to bed. Eventually it did get better but they still revert from time to time. Donatella's advice is on the money. I look back on our photos and videos from 4 years ago and it is like looking at different children. We have also had lots of good times. So it is different, but good (well, mostly anyway).

Yes we did, now mostly we don’t. Pick you battles, our AD was older on placement 7 yo, I remember one weekend she didn’t want to wear the lovely outfit I had laid out, it became the battle for that day, in the end she never got dressed, just screamed and shouted around the house, throw things, kicked out and was awful. Now unless we are going somewhere that needs a particular outfit we go with the flow, so I might say we needs Jeans today, she chooses which jeans and which top. Not always my choice but aleast she’s dressed, calm and we’re out the door. Give yourselves some calm time, even if it’s one of you gets a walk to the shop whilst the other has the kids, one does breakfast the other gets a slow start. That has worked well here on weekends. You will be fine just give it times and take things slowly.

I agree with so much that has been said above. One question, are you both still home with the children or have you or your husband gone back to work? I ask because you say that you are two weeks in which is the usual statutory adoption leave period for the non-primary carer. And I'm wondering whether there are changes in your routine that you adults have taken for granted but the children have sensed as different. Just curious as this might be something to explore a bit further. Also, when you say that when youngest is told "no" "he does it more as he sees it as a game" - I would seriously contest this view; I suspect that he may see it as a serious strategic test in what he can get away with and what happens if he does / doesn't do as suggested. I may be wrong. Who knows. Sorry, no helpful advice but did want to ask these questions. Peahen.

It's a massive shock to the system - for you and for the children. It's totally normal to have feelings of panic, to feel exhausted, and to feel a loss of control. Be kind to yourself and try to accept that you might experience very different and very mixed feelings about the children. Do remember the children are likely to feel very scared and confused and angry - they have so little resources at that age to process this kind of monumental change. Give them and yourselves time to settle into this new family shape - you will need lots of time but there will be likely be little encouraging shifts here and there that will help. Continue to draw on help from your SW, read all you can about this settling in period - and talk to other adopters who can support and empathise and offer ideas/ practical strategies - i.e keep posting here. You are not alone! As many others have said, it does get better but it IS hard.

Hi there, we are one year on, almost to the day, and adopted a four year old boy. I would just say hang in there and take as much advice as you can from the forum as, in the early days, this forum kept me sane. Those who are a few years in have such fab advice and there are so many sensitive, listening ears on here. As everyone says, two weeks in is an incredibly short time and I have no experience of adopting two ( one has been hard enough!) and I would just say, look after yourself and don’t worry if some of the advice doesn’t work because your own situation is unique to you. My main help has been TIME. This is the single main thing that helps build trust - sorry, not rocket science but this is a key building block. A key book that has helped me is ‘Why Can’t My Child Behave’ by Amber Elliot. I read it ten months into being an adoptive parent and it is the single most useful text that has helped along the way. I could write reams but should probably stop but just to say that if you are doubting yourself, the decision to adopt etc, that is totally normal and will perhaps come and go. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. And stay on the forum. Folk here are amazing.

Hi, such early days, such a shock to the system. Do the social workers seem alarmed by the older boy's behaviours? It can be a problem placing two children like this together. Did they live together before and how did they get on? If the older boy was behaving like this in foster care then you need to know this now and get some appropriate help - at the end of the day it is incredibly difficult to shift behaviour like this and the social workers need to come up with more than just being supportive to you while leaving you to get on with it. I see you say that most of the problems are where you ask them to do something. So try to rephrase everything. Also think carefully about what you are asking them to do. Foster carers can sometimes run a more relaxed home than we do - you may be used to a lot of demands and be able to cope with them, but some people get the equivalent of a panic attack. It's interesting to me that he is hitting his brother and not you......... Try to keep things really low key and don't get into battles you don't need. I know you want to establish ground rules and routines, but really, the main thing is your relationships xx

It’s very very hard, especially when they are new. Donatella is right re the day to day stuff. Thinking much younger is key and just time together will help, ultimately I wonder if all their Wobblies are somehow tied up with loss? Maybe the slightest feeling of loss triggers a tidal wave? Did they have any sort of sibling needs assessment? I would want someone who understands about early trauma impacts to take a look.