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It takes time for relationships to adapt and grow and it looks like you’ve been through a lot. I can’t comment on how long it takes to adapt - I know I’m particularly guilty of being impatient on that front. How long has your little girl been with you?

Could you tell me a little about what you mean by “struggling to adapt”? The adoption process is often a long and sometimes painful journey and it’s only natural to mourn the life we had before our little one(s) arrived. However, could it be that you are finding it hard to bond with your little girl? I found my AS really hard to get on with at first. I did like him very much, he is a real character and I can truthfully say that as the years have gone by, I have found that we now get on very well (it was a good match), but it was so hard at the beginning. He rejected me in a big way at first and it was hard to be with him and be his mum. I felt trapped too. What is it that makes you feel trapped? Are there any ways that you could relieve this feeling, even temporarily? Sometimes when we are feeling so under pressure and so much seems at stake we definitely need some time and space to explore our feelings. Do you think this would be helpful?

This is an obvious one, but have you talked to your wife about how you feel? It’s easy, in our busy lives, to plough on regardless and not let our partners know how we feel until it all seems overwhelming. There are a few parents on here who are divorced. They may be able to help more if this is something that is a real prospect for your family.

Hi

my response is not related to adoption but to adaption!

due to circumstances completely out with my or my husbands control, our lives changed, quite catastrophically.!

At 10 am , everything was tickety boo, at 11 am, life would never be the same again.

so at the time of this event, we dealt with life as best we could, we managed, we got on with the daily trials, the chaos, we did what we had to do in order to get through the day. in fact at one point, we aimed to get through the next hour, which gradually led to getting through the morning, when things improved we got through the day.

so this “event” had a negative impact on my life, my working hours, my routine, my relationship with my husband, my financial circumstances, I’ve never had a holiday abroad since, and I had 3-4 holidays abroad a year prior to this event. I was stressed out my box, I had someone else’s needs to put before my own. All in all, life was Turned upside down and it was pretty shit.....it wasn’t my fault and I felt resentment creeping in.

I had 2 choices, I could walk away or I could adapt, and learn how to manage my different circumstances.

If I walked....

i don’t actually think I could live with the guilt. I think I would be sadder and lonelier,

but I stayed and Through time I have accepted and adapted to my different circumstances.

i have had to adapt to a completely different lifestyle and it’s been hard, so very hard. I have a different relationship with my husband, but I would rather have a different relationship than not have any relationship at all. I still work, but work is now an escape, it’s where I can be myself. My routine has completely changed and there are no aspects of my old ways or old lifestyle left. Some days that makes me sad, but my life has been completely flipped and taken a completely different path from what I ever imagined. I can’t see me ever going abroad again, but there are so many places on our doorstep, that I had never seen, and I have embraced my U.K. based holidays..

as I said at the beginning, this event has nothing to do with adoption, but I’m sure some adopters reading this can relate to some if not all of what I’m describing..

You say that in order to be with your wife, you went down the adoption route , you use past tense , saying “ went down the adoption route. ” Change it to present tense., You are on the route. This is only the beginning of your route. if you want your wife and daughter in your life, you need to adapt, it’s hard. But you need to accept that things will never be the same that your now on a different route You are feeling trapped because you haven’t moved on from your old life. I don’t think you resent your wife, but you resent that your wife and daughter are moving on , possibly without you, you need to decide if you want to move with them.

Do you have someone you can offload too?

I hope you find the strength to accept and adapt, it won’t be easy, it will take time and I wish you all the luck ?

Both very good replies.

I just wanted to add something about difference. Adoption makes you / your family different and that can be very hard. You don't know whether to tell people or not or at what stage - your stories about your family and how it came about are different. This is particularly difficult at the beginning when you find yourself having to explain your new status as parent in a way that is different from others - its also particularly hard when your child starts school. The difference will be there for your child too - in how they adapt and how they see themselves. I think if you can try to think of what you are comfortable to share and how you plan to explain things to others this may help. If you are at work this can be even harder. People sometimes feel a sense of shame for adopting - a sense that they are not "real" parents - and also feel a sense of dishonesty when people sometimes say they are doing a wonderful / noble thing - as the motivation is usually personal and not altruistic and it usually doesn't feel wonderful either. If you can spend time working on this now and working out what you are comfortable to share - having a few scripts of what to say when asked can really help - this will also help your child in how you then explain things to them and help them with understanding their situation and with dealing with other people as they grow older.

Another thing about difference is that it doesn't end with adoption - there may be cultural differences in your background and your child's, your child may be found to have SEN, their experiences will be vastly different from the rest of their friends, your parenting techniques will be different. These are all things you will need to consider, and might have to explain to others too. One thing adopters often find is that regardless of whether their child has SEN or not they often have more in common with parents of children with SEN because of the issues of difference and acceptance. You can often access support from SEN groups and make friends with SEN parents. My daughter as well as having complex learning difficulties and attachment issues was also the victim of a very serious crime as a teenager - this was another thing that set her / us very much apart from others. She is also from a mixed cultural background which is largely reflected by ours and this has been the thing she has found easiest to deal with. You learn to adapt and develop different strategies and priorities. Of course much of this may not apply to you - though if you and your wife do separate this is another layer to add.

One thing I would recommend is counselling for yourself - I had telephone counselling for the best part of two years after my daughter's assault and it was fantastic - the best thing I ever did! Maybe contact an agency that provides post adoption support or you can find someone local to you through the counselling directory - you can usually book an initial appointment first so it might be worth seeing several people before you choose to find the right one for you. It will also help you sort out what you yourself want from life and how you can work things out to meet everybody's needs to the best of your ability. Good luck!

I’m not going to repeat what everyone else has said. I must admit I’m a little surprised that the sw didn’t deal with this issue during your home study. It appears from what you say that you may not have been 100% committed to the idea of having a child whether via adoption or naturally? I might be wrong but from what you say it reads that way?

Have you spoken to your wife? Does she know how you feel? Do you know how she feels? Maybe she’s struggling as well. Maybe you’re not hiding your feelings as well as may think you are.

When you have a child, their needs are paramount. They have to come first and I know a lot of men (sorry if that sounds judgy but it is my experience - personal experience too) find it very hard to come to terms with slipping down the rankings. I won’t go through my story but my husband was brought up one way and he intended to repeat that. I was brought up differently and wasn’t about to replicate my husbands upbringing! So there was conflict. Different parenting styles, different needs, different expectations and assumptions. Time to talk.

Whatever you decide to do - and I don’t know how long your daughter has been with you - your life will not return to how it was before she arrived.

I guess the simple choice is either talk to your wife and work through it ... or walk. What do you want? What does your wife want? What does your child want?