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Hi all, Not sure this is the best place to post, but this best suits our circumstances. Looking back on our experience of adopting, as I do everyday, I still debate whether our style parenting was correct for us as a family, or was right for AD. I have an adopted sister, and two adopted cousins, so adoption was not an unusual occurrence in my family. My relationship with my sister was very challenging, for me as an older brother and a support for my parents. When i met my wife, she liked the concept of adopting and the idea of helping a child in need, although she had no experience, and on balance, giving a child a loving home, and the on going challenges, and my experience was was still positive she agreed to try. We had two BC, two boys, and the time came to decide whether to have another BC, we sat down together with our BC, and introduced the idea of adoption and we decided, that we would as a family adopt a little girl, This decision may seem selfish to many to choose only a girl, but we as a family wanted a dynamic which would different and enhance our family. (PS. i like the idea of a loving little daddies girl). We went through the parenting courses, to tick the boxes, these maybe different now, but these were mainly aimed at adopters with no parenting skills, and ensuring they were prepared for the life changes having a child entails. Lightly dusting over the issues of difficult children and their possible future needs. Looking through some of the posts, when I think back, I had no idea of the amount of dedication and emotional effort would be needed, its absolutely exhausting physically and mentally. AD arrived, and we were given all the information about her history, AD having being neglected and starved from birth, and one of three sisters. They were reviewed at the Munroe Centre (I think that's how its spelt.) by SS. The sisters were to be separated because of their deep emotional needs. Reality started to kick in, and this joyful, bright and smiley child had deep issues, she could project to the outside world all was right, this was her survival technique. We pushed SS for emotional support, and she was diagnosed with attachment disorder, and went through many years of play therapy. After 6 years, of attending sessions and very little improvement we decided, she should stop, she was moving to a new school, seniors, and that a new start was required. We fought for later life care, via the courts for the county to provide for her future needs. On the final goodbye session, they announced they thought she also suffered with Aspergers. We had many hard times, AD distance herself from our BC, the stress balancing the needs of our BC and AD was absolutely enormous, the stress nearly broke up our family. AD was very strong willed and a lair and a manipulator. We managed these through strength and support for each other, managing sibling battles. Sometimes we got our deductions wrong, but we stuck by our decisions. We needed to be strong. Many decision we made, I still debate, but at the time we had to be strong, and we supported each other. We struggled on, AD was bullied at school, or was she the bullier, friends were a big issue, she could relate to younger children, being in control, and relating to her piers was a struggle. AD was groom on FB, we are very familiar with technology and made sure we monitored her online activity. The time came to intervene when she was going to meet this new friend on FB, jumping through her window and meeting him late at night. She was 15, my opinion more a mature looking 12 year old. The man was 21, with history as we later found out after reporting him to the police. We would still press her to socialise and attend clubs, towards her last years of school, we were probably forcing her against her will. She needed the skills and we needed the space. Adolescence started to kick in and the house was full of atmosphere and many evenings were like a WW1 battle zone, BC were resenting AD, BC were powerless to help and started to suffer, mentally and displaying issues of discontent. We had three apples, two hands, and their was no rest-bite. These hands had to keep moving 24/7. If we didn't, one apple would be damaged for ever. Looking back we struggled to justify to family and friends our parenting styles and why we were strict on our BC and AD. AD starts dating a BF at 16, I as a father and a parent, I was not ready for this transition. She was. AD became defiant, not returning home and quoting from BF and BF mother what AD can do and can't do. I finally took a decision to ask AD to either change her behavior or leave. Halfheartedly thinking this would shock AD into falling in line. If fact this was my biggest mistake in regard to my relationship to AD. AD went to SS, who tried to broker reconciliation, by stating all our parenting mis-failings and what we should do to improve our parenting skills. And listing AD's wish list for AD agree to return home. AD returned for one week, then failed to return home one evening. Following morning on receiving a call from SS, stating AD was not happy and the changes were not working, and he was sorting her alternative accommodation. That's the last time i spent more than 30 mins with my AD, she is housed by local authority, still with BF, and is in contact with my Brother, Sister and Mother, who have now disowned me. They have family gatherings where AD attend and we are excluded. Is it because of what we did, what they heard or thought we did? No one will say! The hurt is still deep, having AD just walk out, is the closest i can describe as a bereavement. We continue as a family of four, my wife's family is very understanding and a great support to us all. I encourage my BC to see my mother, one does, one will not. I feel judged, and ultimately i don't believe there is any understanding or support, of how we feel. AD is now 21, we were not included in celebrations for 18th or 21st, and she refuses to contact me or my wife. We are a family of four, stronger than ever, 5 years later its taken a long while just to try and put this to paper in a balanced way, and not to press my anger on the paper. I hope this helps anyone else that suffers from AC, just leaving without any clear explanation and why the AP feel so devastated, after trying so hard. I cannot believe we are alone!! py