Currently just shy of a week since placement of a high energy 6 year old boy. My husband is working full time so I am the primary caregiver. Our boy is misbehaving at times and trying hard to channel his energy. Can anyone spare advice?
My son was 6 when he moved in. It was a highly charged and very chaotic time. However hard you all try, boundaries, routines etc. take a fair amount of time to establish. I would give yourself and him as much space and high energy activity as you possibly can. I can't imagine going through that in lockdown, so really look after yourself. Do you have places to go outside? Football, boomerangs, bubble mixture, poohsticks, climbing activities, snowball fights..... those kind of things can use up a bit of the excess over-excitement.
Lettuce gives some good advice. I think however that you need to reframe how you view his behaviour. If you view him as misbehaving then you will begin to view him as being naughty and how you respond to him will change. You need to view him as a highly anxious child who is no doubt scared and worried that he will be sent away again. If you become anxious and uptight with him he will pick up on this and his behaviour will escalate. So you need to put aside any notions of boundaries and use diversion techniques as you would do with a much younger child. In fact emotionally he is much younger than 6 and that is how you should approach him. Treat him as if he is a toddler and use redirection and diversion. Also ignore any behaviour which you feel is naughty and instead of saying "no" reframe it and say "why don't we do this instead". Always look for ways to praise him.
Treat him as you would a toddler and you will be on the right track. Also as lettuce says, lots of fresh air too.
Take care of yourself too as it is both physically and emotionally hard work, especially so in the early days.
Best wishes xx
Gosh, this must be so hard during lockdown!
I think you need to try to get his energy out while giving him a sense of calm, safety, predictability and belonging. Easy, hm? 😁
We used to do the same every day: breakfast, park, lunch, (same) park, dinner, bed. In the park we would make sure the kids ran and jumped around a lot, eg. I would hold my arms out and ask them to jump and try to touch my hands with their heads, which they loved doing. The routine helped my children feel safe and made our life much easier. We would tell them what was going to happen that day at breakfast and then remind them during the day ("We will go home for lunch in 15 minutes. After that we will go back to the park.").
Every day we did 10 minutes of "special play" with each parent. That worked wonders. It builds attachment and gives children a sense of control while feeling safe. It is very simple but effective. In case you are not doing it already, you can read up on it in "The Incredibly Years". I think it is a standard element of parenting classes by now.
I believe it is important to keep in mind that parents and children experience this situation completely differently. We chose this, were looking forward, are in control (even when it doesn't feel like it) and are two parents (mostly). While our children would not have chosen this, have lost everything yet again, have no control and are all alone. Based on our experience, we think it will turn out well. Based on their experience, they think this might turn out horrribly for them. So while this is a tough situation for parents, we only get a glimpse of an idea what it must be like for children. It probably feels similar to being held hostage in a foreign country.
It will get easier. Becoming a parent is a tough transition, never mind the parent of a highly anxious, hypervigilant child during a pandemic. Take good care of yourself.
firstly Congratulations!
Everyone else has given excellent advice. The thing I would emphasise is reframing his behaviour. He isnt misbehaving, he is a terrified little boy who has just had his world ripped apart. I’d be misbehaving if I were him.
A week is no time at all, at the moment it should all be about building your relationship, nurture, nurture, nurture, think much younger.
If you have room in your garden, get a trampoline, bouncing is great for regulatiog behaviour.
I’d echo what’s been said above about reframing. A useful exercise is to try and put yourself in your child’s place. Imagine being taken away from everything that you know - your family, your partner, your place of work - all the everyday things that you know and feel safe and comfortable with - and then being replanted in a home you don’t know, with people you don’t know, with routines you’re unfamiliar with ... and imagine how you would feel.
Scared, worried, anxious, fearful ... all those familiar things are suddenly not there. But there’s new people - people you don’t really know, you don’t really trust and who you don’t as yet feel safe with. Can you then begin to imagine what a scared little boy he really is?
Keep things small for now. Find a routine that works and stick to it. You say your husband is working full time - has he not taken adoption leave? Can he be around more to help with bonding?
The kindness of strangers - thank you all for your reflections and advice, it has helped me immensely. @Donatella - I do appreciate the existential upheaval our son is experiencing and my husband is able to support in the evenings. I am currently on adoption leave. Luckily, he has bonded very well with our son, it could be the novelty of having a father figure around. This was my first ever post, again I appreciate your help.
Hi,
Someone told me once that boys are like dogs; they need walking at least once a day!!! Our AS certainly fitted that!! However its not always possible to get out, especially at the moment, with lockdown and poor weather.
Some good inside stuff that we use to do that is quite active:
Joe Wickes type exercise videos - quite fun if you both do them - there used to be some Cbeebeies ones on You Tube too (Boogie Beebies?)
Playing with play dough and clay as keeps hands busy
Messy stuff like cookie making
Painting - we use to print our hands and feet - very messy, but fun and also you can do this over time to see how much they are growing. I have a lovely framed print of mine and AS hands on top of each other from when he was first here and he loves looking at it now and showing me how massive his hand has grown!!
AS used to really enjoy blow football which you play with cotton wool balls and straws on a table top. You can make goals posts out of all sorts of interesting things!
We also used to have indoor skittles which were quite good to play down the hallway and nothing got spoiled if you throw the ball the wrong way!
My son liked Jenga as its quite active and most of the time he enjoyed the falling down bit the best - we used to use them like building bricks to see how we could build them and then he would knock them down!!
We also had a cork board type set with little wooden shapes that he could nail in - social worker recommended this - it was a children's set bought on amazon and it allowed his to have a good bash about and be safe!
Also if you have any outside space, bubble blowing can be fun!
Agree with all of the above that its all very hard at first, its an absolutely massive change for you all you to suddenly have a new family and all have to get used to each other. The first three months of our adoption with littlee (7 year ago) went in a blur of megga stress....its much harder than having a new baby as you have not had the time to get to know this small person before they became an active, busy personality that you need to get to know, you have all just been thrown together and just that sudden change is a big shock to everyone's system ....it takes you all time, but it does get easier and you all get used to each other - families take time to make and grow ...... it will be fine!!
Take care of you too! you have suddenly become a mum to a big bundle of joy who does not stay were you put him!!
xx
@Bee thank you so much for all these excellent ideas. Currently on Amazon ordering some of these toys.
Another thought - den building in fun! - we used to cover the sides of the dining room table in blankets to make a den and then make up a picnic and take off on an adventure to the den - his favourites were the clouds and the beach. I used to feel a bit silly jumping around the clouds in the dining room or pretending to swim to the moon or whatever it was he wanted to do, but he loved it.. As I am typing he is sat in a small den he has built in the lounge this morning with two chairs and a blanket and is sat in it watching a zoom maths class!
@Bee - fantastic - very creative! I am ensuring our little one gets out everyday with his scooter, to play football, walk around etc. We are also watching a bit of TV, playing card games, blowing bubbles, long baths and reading. Just ordered play doh as well.
I totally agree with the little dogs comparison! The same applied to girls by the way. Mine are still like caged tigers, if they can't move around enough.
Maybe have a look at playtherapy activities like this Play Therapy Activities: 101 Play-Based Exercises to Improve Behavior and Strengthen the Parent-Child Connection
Reading Bee's posts has reminded me of some of the things DS who was on the go most of the time enjoyed.
Re bubbles we played a game where I blew bubbles and said a part of the body he used to pop them. He loved playing with balloons too, trying to keep them in the air between us.
We also had an old fitted sheet used for dens or putting a balloon in middle and tipping it but trying to stop it falling off. I also used to make a small assault course in our small lounge including going under the sheet on cushions etc.
I used to save cardboard boxes which he loved to sit in as a boat, car etc. Larger boxes were tunnels or we raced toy cars down them.
When we had a wet day and we both needed to go out we put on our wellies and went for a short walk to splash in puddles.
He also liked treasure hunts so I would hide a few things around the house, sometimes giving clues one at a time. He then liked to hide things for me to find.
To unwind he liked me telling a story on his back to represent different weather.
I'd say you all need some waterproofs and to be outside! Den building is great, go on a treasure hunt, go leaf spotting or bug spotting, puddle jumping.
We did fireman maths a lot in lockdown 1, which was basically him dressing as a fireman with the hose and I'd chalk numbers on the path, he had to wash off the number to a maths problem (or just wash the chalk off when he was losing interest!).
Get a little propagator and plant some seeds. Board games like hungry hippos or goey louis.
If you need a minute, teach your monster to read is a really good app which is free at the moment. Cosmic Kids yoga is brilliant too, there's some more focussed on mindfullness and calm, but others based on pokemon etc.
My little boy loves trains, building the track together is a nice thing to do, and eventually he may stay and play with them on his own a little.
We have a toy metal detector and hide coins (2p) around the house, sometimes with a little treat, or with the answer to a question and he has to match the question and answer up
I can definitely recommend getting a tough tray, they're great for containing messy activities! You can fill them with mud rocks and some old kitchen things for mud pies or potions or use them for painting or just to focus an activity in one place. My son will often not want to play with something but, if I put it in the tough tray the following day he goes straight to it!
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