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If she's behaving as a 1 year old then maybe start treating her as a 1 year old. How would you discipline a baby?

maybe preschool is too much too soon ?

Most of the time we treat her like a baby, feed her, baby cuddles & sometimes she doesn't like it! That's what I'm wanting advice from hv about, how to discipline a 1 year old. preschool isn't a problem, she's just doing her 15 hours over 3 days she loves it & she was going everyday whilst in foster care.

The thing is I think you don't really discipline a one year old. You guide them through repetition, with a shed load of patience and always in your mind that they can't help what they are doing. I do feel for you, it sounds very tough going. It's worth bearing in mind that even if she loves preschool and is doing well she still could be feeling very unsettled and insecure in her life in general at the moment and it could be coming out at home. 7 months is no time at all. Good idea to ask advice from your HV but bear in mind that adoption and backgrounds of disrupted emotional development are not their specialism. Tbh, she may not understand what or why you are asking. In your shoes I would ask your social worker or post adoption support team for advice. I think her behaviour is trying to communicate something and the answer lies in trying to understand why she's doing it, and what she's feeling, rather than conventional " discipline ". Don't take this as criticism at all, because its not meant that way. Three year old are TOUGH! (I've got one!) and it must be even tougher if she's only been with you seven months. You are still both finding your feet and its a tough ask for you both. Good luck with it all, I hope you find the answers you need.

The 4 hour melt downs sound exhausting - poor you. Few ideas for you which you might have tried already, so please excuse me if you have: distraction - I found it very good at that age (ranging from what you can see outside the window, to why don't we go and have a snack) theraplay activities to help build a bond with her AUK will have a book you can borrow on this if you call the helpline (in fact calling the helpline is probably a really good idea anyway, you don't have to be a member) trying to go for positive rather than negative instructions - kind hands rather than don't hit, let's use our quiet voices rather than don't scream etc. using humour if you can dredge it up from somewhere (very hard doing constant meltdowns) but pull a funny face, make light of things and try to be playful. time out for you - be kind to yourself, make a cup of coffee, take 10 deep breaths, anything to relax a bit whilst the meltdown is in progress. Much sympathy and gentle hugs to you.

I have a 1 year old. I find distraction works best. Noisy rattly toys you can shake. A favourite book to read. My LO loves when I sing to them and that can usually stop a melt down in 30 seconds. Our favourite is the wheels on the bus!

P.S I find singing calms me down too!!

Just wanted to reassure you. Meltdowns don't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong at all. She us very little and has been through so much. Sometimes I don't think we can avoid the meltdowns. They have to have them and our job us just to hold on and stay nearby. If you got through a four hour meltdown without anyone getting hurt then you are doing a lot right! Don't forget to make space for yourself. Taking care of you is crucial post-meltdown.

You can discipline children but that doesn't mean that they are going to change and this is where you need to start trying something different. There isn't the space here to go into why 'normal' parenting isn't working for you and this child, but would seriously suggest that you read up on therapeutic parenting and find different ways to parent her which don't require 'discipline'. There is a good book called 'The Explosive Child' which is well loved by people on here. Also consider 'Transforming the Difficult Child' or sth like that and anything by Bryan Post. The thing is that you have to be able to cope with not getting retribution with the child for whatever it is they have done - and a lot of us were brought up with retribution ourselves from our own parents and think this is normal. This is where the Bryan Post stuff is particularly good, as we can't really parent therapeutically while we are still in thrawl to our own parenting. It's not easy, and you can feel like you are letting them get away with it - but honestly, your child is unlikely to change any time soon. I would also suggest you get her seen for a developmental check-up to make sure there are no autistic traits - though to be honest, a lot of autism and attachment traits are very similar and so a lot of adopters have children who behave like this even if the kids are not autistic. This is where you need to find a new way of parenting I'm afraid - it's more about us, the parents, changing, than 'fixing' the child. Good luck

Long meltdowns are exhausting and I agree that 3 is a tricky age! Also, I found about the 6 month in period was one of the hardest as I was getting pretty exhausted and being a Mum really felt like hard work.... I think Duckling gives some great advice, distraction worked here as did trying as hard as possible not to go 'head-to-head' with LO - as I wouldn't win and would just end up feeling wrung out! Instead lots of positive instructions, trying to turn things into games, singing and not taking things too seriously. When LO came in from nursery, they were pretty shattered so anticipating this, having a nice snack all ready for them and babying them for a bit sometimes helped prevent things kicking off. Definitely look after you, make sure you treats for you and try and find some positive moments with LO in amongst all the stress. Take care

I sympathise. It's very wearing. I would have to agree with flosskirk, it's a different kind of parenting that's needed really, and that can be really hard to get your head around. It's about teaching your child how to behave, not telling them. I struggled to change the way I did things but it worked really well when I did. Your comment about your dd being very naughty jumped out at me, if you can change your way of thinking on this one it should help. Not naughty but scared, not naughty but anxious etc , if you can treat her as the things she does not being deliberate but due to how she's feeling it should help. It did with me. And do look after yourself too x