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Hello, a few of your concerns i had myself, my mother had passed away however this was when i was 18 i am now 45. I have no contact with my father and brother from a family fall out. I discussed all of this with our sw and it was not brought up at panel. Our support network is our close friends who all know us very well. My husbands mum is old and although she would love to help she is old. I medical records showed me having two times attending my gp with stress/work depression, the first i remember well was after my first marriage broke up and i took the tablets and had a small amount of counselling to help with that and the loss of my mum at such a young age. The second time i went with stress from work, i was prescribed tablets but decided not to take them. This had to be explained and my sw wanted to know if i ever felt that i needed help would i go and see the gp, i agreed that i would and this was accepted. You understand your limitations and would make fab parents to a slightly older child who needs love, care, understanding and a forever home. Good luck hope it goes well. Keep positive

My family is also tiny and live two hours away, and I'm single. Try to think a bit more widely about where support might come from. For example my neighbours have children who are now Simba's good friends. Before he came we chatted over the fence, took parcels in for each other, but didn't socialise together. But were good neighbours and I knew in an emergency I could knock on the door. Now the kids play together all the time, I still wouldn't say we are friends but there is a level of support there. Emotional support, most of the people I call to offload are many miles distant, one in New York. Try and think of different scenarios and who you could call on. Be a bit creative. Support networks will change anyway when a child arrives so indicate that you know where to get support from, look at the library for baby/ toddler groups etc. today a lot of my support comes from people I didn't know before Simba came, a lady I met in a sauna of all places who has a son with autism like Simba, a group from a parents course. Look to see if you have a local adopters group you could join. You found try and look for opportunities to update your childcare, do a bit of volunteering, I approached a local school and set up a gardening club. Good luck.

None of these issues should be barriers to you becoming adoptive parents. You are right that they are things that you will have to consider, as you are doing already, so perhaps ask the SW for advice about what you could do to make the process easier (rather than raise concerns) and to make you stronger applicants and, ultimately, stronger adoptive parents. Good luck.

They may not be barriers to being approved, but they may affect how you get on as adopters - the two are not necessarily the same. If you don't cope well with stress, I guess you would have to consider how you would cope with a traumatised child. I know that plenty of people are approved even with things like depression in their backgrounds but it can be very challenging parenting a traumatised child. The Government is all for it and seems to see nothing much in the way of stopping people from adopting - the reality however may be quite different.

Think about presenting your 'worries' in a positive light, as otherwise it could all come across as rather hopeless. So be upbeat about the support network you do have or can see yourself developing, say how you coped with the stress of the job loss that meant you didn't need the tablets after all etc. I suspect it will be less about the facts of the matter, and more about how you present them, although one can never know for sure what a given sw might think. Re the childcare - a lot of people get asked to find more opportunities to develop this and this can happen alongside the process, as far as I know. So phoning around some schools or perhaps contacting your LA re working with SEN children in some capacity, for example, might be a good idea, as then you could suggest possibilities to your sw. Be proactive - good luck!

Thanks for all the comments, I am glad I found this site. We have thought about the whole situation carefully of course and realise that many parents find "support networks" doing everyday things with the children like school runs, after school activities etc so hopefully that would be the case for us. I am not going to dwell on the anti depressant thing to be honest, I didn't take them the second time as the job situation sorted itself out quickly. I struggled a bit when my mum passed but who doesn't? My wife is the steady, level headed one. She works with a lot of difficult people (special needs etc) so totally appreciates the situations we may face. I think we shall take the advice of Socrates and turn the question around when asked about support etc and ask what we can do now to enhance our application.

Sent you a PM

Since I posted things have moved in so many directions. Firstly, my father in law passed away at the end of May, very sad time but we both got through it as well as you can. Then a month later my dad fell ill. A lot of our time in the past 6 weeks has been caring for him. Thankfully we have a carer lined up starting soon which will take a huge burden from us. I mentioned we thought we would not go to training till November, out of the blue we got a call from a SW asking us to start our home assessment. Not the best timing but we didn't want to put it off again. I guess there will never be a "perfect" time. We have had 2 visits so far and we start the training course at the end of this week. Looking through the itinery it looks quite daunting and I hope we are both mentally able to go through this after the traumas of the past few months. I must admit a lot of what we will be asked to do is so far out of my comfort zone it is actually terrifying for me.

Sorry that it's all landed at once, it seems very unfair indeed. Illness etc strikes at any time and dealing with a unregulated wobbly littly in the middle of all the stress wouldn't be easy either Could you step back from the process and reconsider. It's not just another route to having a family is it? It's so unfair and hard x

Peartree, I totally get what you are saying but will there ever be a right time? We first looked into this 5 years ago, then ,my job was under threat so put it on the back burner. Then a year later we got as far as starting training then my mum fell ill with cancer so again decided to wait. Mum passed away 2 years ago so we think now is a good time then my father in laws passes and my Dad gets ill. Either we are jinxed or someone is trying our resolve. Do we wait another year and see what disaster happened then ( :) ) or just carry on and see where it takes us? We have come so far this time, we don't want to give up now, we are not getting any younger.

I understand. But I do think there's a "wronger" time (?) If life for you is lively With lots of ups and downs Then go for any time. I'd suggest that your circumstances are very lively at the moment, perhaps more than normal for you and once you aren't fighting on all fronts, perhaps one or two fronts it might be better?

I agree with both the view that there's never a right time and the view that some times are less opportune than others. . You are at a stage in life (I'm around the same stage of life) when elderly relatives ill health and loss of elderly loved ones is likely. These events bring their stresses but often they are anticipated and can be managed by finding the right help and support. There are many organisations out there set up to support us with elderly, infirm relatives and also support around loss of relatives. We also usually have peers who are experiencing similar things and who will empathise and understand what you are going through. Many of these grown up problems in our lives we can fix, mitigate or get help with. Not so the world of stuff that comes with adopting oftentimes. . Harder to manage may be the needs of an adopted child. You will find the support is harder to come by, people will minimise your experiences, a few will be disbelieving and some even keen to blame you for any problems, suggesting you are doing something wrong. The support network thing is one of social services' biggest red herrings, most of the people you know pre-adoption who will swear support, will melt away within 12 months of placement. You're right you will make new connections but they may not be school gate connections because adopted kids often have real issues with peer relationships and may find making friends difficult. They are sometimes (quite often) the kids who get shunned by other kids and unfortunately their parents can be quite parochial about who they deem suitable to play with their kids and not be terribly welcoming. The connections that might be the best will be parents of other kids with special needs, other adopters, parents of kids who go to groups away from school that you might get involved with. People who will understand that you have a child who can be tricky and won't judge you on that basis. You will need to evidence your physical and mental resilience, coping strategies, willingness to seek help when needed (though sadly recognising that that help may not be forthcoming). Advocacy is a big thing for adopters, that can be the thing that can make the biggest difference for kids, adults who are willing and able to fight for them relentlessly and thanklessly. . You mention childcare experience. If you haven't got much recent experience (in the last year or two, and I don't mean nephews and nieces or babysitting) I'd get some voluntary work lined up for both of you with the age group you are interested in adopting. This seems to be something that almost every agency expects now, at least 6 months experience with children, and its something that can only strengthen your application. . Go together to see the GP again to discuss your plans. Make sure what you were told previously still stands. Ask what the doc will put about health issues on your medical form. Do this before the medical, the day of the medical the doc is working as an impartial expert for the agency more than you. It might be worth pondering on the fact that quite a few social workers need to use antidepressants at period during their lives/careers. . You mention the 'awful hole' in your lives. What are your expectations of adoption? Are you well versed in the fact that these are not kids who will be fixed easily by a warm family home and normal family life? Many (most) will have on-going issues/problems/diffiulties throughout childhood and into adulthood. Many will have special educational needs, significant emotional needs, mental health needs that are not going to go away. Many will find independent living as young adults challenging and may need on-going support into their 20s and beyond. You may find yourselves dealing with mental health or youth justice services in your late fifties and early 60s. Think not just of the now and next five years but of 10, 15 even 20 years hence.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Not sure how to respond to some of the points raised above. Neither of us are expecting an easy ride both before during and after a match but some of the possible scenarios are quite daunting and are frankly scaring me a little. As far as timing is concerned, yes, it's not ideal and we could have chosen a "quieter" time but when will that happen? Maybe we are mad for even thinking about this at this time? Right now my wife is round at a friends to talk about getting references from them, we have both arranged time off for the training course later this week. How daft will we look if we say no now? Maybe at 47 we are just too set in our ways for a massive change such as this? On the various TV shows about adoption recently it seems to be mostly cuddly little stories that have been on. We don't really get to see the devil child scenario, could we cope with such a thing, I don't know. @ Logpile, sorry to hear about your Dad, it's not easy. As for my Dad's condition stabilising I think we have to be realistic and think he won't be getting any better, the doctors have said as much, it's all about making him more comfortable and at least able to get around himself a bit better than now. Really, if we don't do it now we never will but boy, it does seem like such a dautnting prospect.

It's not so much that they're devil children, they're not, they are often troubled and damaged, the sort that three square meals, a warm bed and cuddles will help but quite often won't fix. A friend recently started work in a young offenders institution (she's a children's nurse like me). I saw her recently and asked her perspective on the youths (older teen boys) she was coming across there. How interesting to hear her much more developed perspective of the troubled lives many of the inmates have experienced. She has quickly recognised that so many are victims of circumstance, she agreed that many were LAC, or previously LAC, others had clear mental health problems, others mild to moderate learning issues, many come from very dubious family background and had been introduced to substance misuse by older relatives, or used or abused by family friends or relatives. She has seen quickly that so many of these young people have led SAD lives, very few are innately BAD. Circumstances have led them to make multiple poor choices, amd they have ended up in the criminal justice system. . My AS has mild issues. He's been with us a long time, he wasn't quite five weeks old when he arrived as our foster child. We invested a lot of effort in his pre school years trying to therapeutically parent him. We worked on emotional literacy, being very 'available', meeting needs quickly and consistently etc. He slept in our room till he was four. Even so he is now 9, he has few if any real friends at school, he is very aware of this and it makes him sad, feel rejected and often feel worthless. His peers have largely grown up and matured, he's no where near where they are socially and emotionally; they've left him behind. He likes the same old, same old; routine, similar places, doesn't want to go on holidays but tolerates them, doesn't want to do activities and days out, so grumbles a lot and is an unwilling participant, but often gets enjoyment out of them. I have a pretty good relationship with him, my husband much less so, and he is often dismissive of his dad. He can be horribly rude and say mean things without really understanding that if the same was said to him he'd be in tears. One of our BC and him don't really get on, but again they tolerate each other (there's a seven and a half year gap). Our two older BC do fine with him, but with a 12 and a 16 year age gap he's never really presented them with major challenges. We are lucky in that he is an adopted child who copes reasonably well with school, many don't (he has some mild learning issues), he can cope with limited childcare with people who have known him from babyhood and who are tolerant. Many can't cope with childcare and need a FT stay at home parent. This means I have been able to work PT. . Hopefully your research has shown you that this is a challenging way to make a family. It's going to be a different experience than raising a birth child would have been. It's a different path, a bit more rugged and with a lot of ups and downs and hairpin bends around blind corners. It's been totally different from having our three easy, fairly compliant BSs, and yet he is definitely mild in his issues and reasonably well bonded to us that he can trust us, we can leave him to go away sometimes (albeit that his 25 & 21 year old brothers provide in-house childcare for us) and 90-95% of our lives is very ordinary and 'normal', we just have to make adjustments for some things - our holiday this summer for example, he got told about it the day we were going, otherwise he'd have complained and fretted about it. Many adoptees dont have any level of tolerance and need much more from their parents.

Personally I think it good that you are finding things daunting, it should be, what you are contemplating is huge. Only you can answer if you can make the changes in your life. I was 47 when Simba came home age 7, of course my life had been turned upside down. But I look at it this way. I have no career ambitions left, I have got as far as I'm going to or want to get. If you asked me 10 years ago to name the 10 things I would most like to do in life , I've done them all, I've travelled and seen the places I wanted to see and more. I'd always thought I would be a mummy but it just never happened (I'm single) and through a job I was doing at the time I realised I had something to offer. So here we are. Me and Simba doing ok. As midge says, large parts of our lives are fairly ordinary, because I've learnt how to adjust things. Today for example I've run, on foot that is not a car, Simba up a large hill at 8.30 in the evening in the rain, because he was still pretty hyper. You can't worry about looking daft, it would be daft to go ahead if you aren't sure for whatever reason. I think most social workers would prefer an honest reason for postponing than wasting time on a prep course for which you aren't ready . A word about language , I understand what you are trying to say but please don't ever use the phrase devil children . SWs certainly won't like it, some adopters will be offended by it. And they aren't anyway. Just kids with a lot of problems and stuff they have to overcome. Of course there are children out there with very complex issues, but many are like midges and mine. They are demanding, they are different to the birth children but we are working as families, just in different ways.

Radioguy, I think there are several things you need to seriously consider right now, before you proceed. What kind of child do you really think that you will or would want to adopt? What do you have to offer that child? What level of damage or disability can you realistically cope with? The "Devil child" you mention, who scares you, is the typical male child with attachment disorder! That would be most of the boys in the LAC system not placed by age one then! The reality is, there are no healthy babies and undamaged kids who will slot neatly into your life. Watching those same TV programmes that you thought had "cuddly little stories" had most of us experienced adopters screaming! We were seeing the early signs of global developmental delays, sensory and communication disorders, attachment disorder, etc! We were horrified that the social workers were not being honest about the level of need of the children who were being placed. I wonder if the programmes are going to revisit after 12 months and again after 3 years? I think not!!! That wouldn't make great TV would it? In fact, I am thinking that if you are sure adoption is the right way forward for you - which many experienced adopters would now recommend against due to the total lack of resources and real, meaningful support for adopted children after placement - that your best option and the least challenging would be to consider a child with a specific physical disability! The children who are described as having "uncertainty about their future development"! The certainty is that if there is a physical disability and a clear diagnosis there will be support - financial and physical - groups to take your child to, social care disability teams prepared to engage with you. For all those other children, who are described as "bright as a button" etc - read "hypervigilant and anxious"! For "independent" read challenging and defiant, with serious control issues! I have two adopted children who are now 15 and 12. They were 3 and 6 months at placement. I was in a stable relationship with a successful career at the time of adoption. My marriage of 17 years was ended in 5 months, my career is now over (I am in my mid forties, when I expected to be at the peak of my professions). I have lost my home through repossession and been made bankrupt. I have had to create a whole new support network (mainly fellow adopters) and am now estranged from part of my family. My mother too is seriously (and terminally) ill - I don't visit often as I cannot take my children safely in the car for that length of time together, nor can I leave my 15 year old safely for long enough to drive there, spend an hour then drive back! The fact is, taking on an adopted child is a massive committment. You better be prepared to give up everything - and I do mean everything - of your old life! For at least six months after placement, you cannot go visiting and you cannot have more than a handful of visitors to your home. Are you ready for that level of social isolation? Are you clear that you can and will give up your carerr if necessary to parent this child? OF all the adoptive families in my network at least one parent has totally sacrificed their career. In many cases both partners have! HOw do you feel about the possibility of NEVER going out on an evening with your partner? That is a very real possibility. Many of the children will need years of therapy; nobody will want to pay for that! I have spent most of the last year battling towards a judicial review to have support in place for my 15 yo when he is home from his specialist residential school at weekends and holidays. The previous two years were spent battling for an EHC plan and appropriate school place. PRior to that, every week has involved school meetings since he was 5! I am lucky. My second child is much easier to manage. At 12, she only needs a "taxi service" from me to get her to school and back, plus all her out of school clubs each day. That means I have a"break" during the school day of four hours in between dropping her to school and setting off to pick her up! MAny adopters have to home educate their children as they are unable to secure any form of appropriate support for their child in a mainstream setting. I am very fortunate that only one of my children is abusive and violent, and my local police are generally quite supportive. When he is destroying our home in a temper tantrum they will arrest him and hold him in cells for sufficient time for me to make things safe, reassure his sibling and let him calm down, then they are prepared to bring him home again without charges. Likewise when he goes missing (sometimes this can be every night for months) they will search for him as a vulnerable child for as long as it takes. Some forces are less supportive. So are you ready for this reality? Can you cope with a violent pre-teen bringing alcohol or drugs into your home? Will you be ready for the battle for an education for your child? IF you are not sure, if it worries you - better to stop now! The very worst thing that can happe n is if you commit to a child and five years on you decide this is too much to handle! If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would opt to be a foster carer. There will be more training, much more ongoing support, the child will access additional funding more easily, and in the very worst case scenario you can end a placement, have a breather and try again! If you opt for adoption, be prepared to be very clear about what you can actually deal with! Be ready to watch all your friends run for cover! BE in it for the long haul - expect to be still caring for your child daily well into their twenties. Be ready to become an amateur psychologist and to commit your time to educating all of the "professionals" who are meant to "support" you but in fat take up even more of your depleted energy reserve! All that said - it's amazing being an adoptive parent and a privilege to share your child's journey. Be realistic though - expect nothing in return then you won't be disappointed! Please think carefully whether you really think this is right for you. Living with a child with any combination of AD , ASD, FAS, ADHD is very tiring! I Maybe you love a challenge, but remember there will be no rest days, no respite, maybe for 20 years!

Radio guy, all any adopter can do really is tell you about their own experience. Bottom line is adoption is a gamble. You have to decide if you want to take the chance. I understand some of what phoebe says, and many will share that experience, but it isn't mine. Yes I have given up my career, but I was happy to do so, and I do work albeit part time. No I don't go out often in the evening,but I am far from being socially isolated, in fact I have made many new friends, both adopters and non adopters and I meet people for lunch when Simba is at school. I certainly didnt spend the first 6 months in isolation. He met family and friends in the first few weeks, one at a time, with days in between. He was in school after 5 weeks. We had first overnight stay with nanny and grandad within 4 months, and our first holiday after 6 months. I have lost one friend, which is sad because I have known her since we were 5. My family remain supportive. My son does not have attachment disorder, he came to me having spent 5 of his nearly 8 years in the care system. He does have ASD and mild learning difficulties. He is doing fantastically well at school, he has lots of friends , goes to cubs, swimming club, tennis lessons. We go to the theatre , cinema, restaurants, day trips, holidays. Not to say he is not demanding to care for, he is, but we have arrived at a life that accommodates his extra needs. I do get respite because he goes to cub camps, and stays with nanny at half term. But phoebe is right about this is the long haul. As much as he I doing well, I don't expect Simba to be trotting off to uni at 18. He will be with me a lot longer. I am also not so naive as to think that the teen years will not bring us problems, I expect they will. But forewarned is forearmed. I am continuing to take the gamble , I wouldn't change anything. I have a unique, loving, happy little boy, he certainly isn't your average 10 year old. But he is MY 10 year old.

Can't really say I'm thrilled with the terminology, as a parent of a child who has been somewhat troubled. Probably any more than someone who thinks he is would wish to be thought of as crass or insensitive. However, as a parent to three, all of whom have had/are having issues I think it's pretty fair to say that no adopted child will have no issues whatsoever. At the very least they've all lost at least two carers - and regardless of age at placement that will have an impact. Then you have to factor in pre natal care - or lack of. Genetic history. Usually not the best. My story isn't quite like phoebe's - my children are slightly younger but we have amassed two asd diagnoses, one ADHD, one dyslexia, one possible fae, one special school, one statement of educational needs, one mainstream with a lot of support, tons of appointments, one hormonal teen doing okay at the moment and one mum who 13 years in hasn't been able to return to work. That would be me. Devil children? No. Just children from difficult backgrounds who've had less than ideal starts to life and who most definitely require a very different type of parenting.

All I want to say right now is that I am sincerely sorry if my terminology offended anyone, please believe that was not the case. I am currently doing some soul searching right now, maybe this isn't the right thing for me. Anyway, my wife and I are having a chat tonight, I am seriously doubting I could cope with some of the challenges others have posted about and perhaps it would be the most reckless thing I had ever done. Sorry again. :(