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First, have some hugs - you have such a lot to deal with, and I bet you re doing it marvellously. What is he doing at college? if he thinks it's a waste of time, I am imagining that there's so much of his poor self esteem in that - but it made me wonder, could he do something voluntary for a while instead - something he might get something immediate out of? Something that takes him out of his own head a wee bit? I am concerned we might be heading in a similar direction with my AD - she has so little self belief or motivation - I worry about when the structure of school is over. Keep us posted. xx xxx

Well done for what you have done for your son so far. Our youngest will be 19 this year. What works for us is remembering her sky high anxiety levels and reflecting ways of coping back to her. She has to do a lot anyway as she has a toddler. Is it worth pursuing driving lessons for your son? It is a good qualification to have particularly as he appears to struggle in college. I think recent research points to the brain not being fully mature till mid twenties....there is still some time to go. It is so hard sometimes. I understand completely. Be kind to yourself .... you cannot fill a cup from an empty jug. Johanna

Yes I do have experience and I know my friends on here will not shoot me down in flames when I say that my experience is with 2 of my BCs (one now late 20s and the other late teens) I also have a complex AC but his needs are different. First I would say One day at a time. I don't suppose you meant it when you said your son might stay in his bedroom for the rest of his life, although I am sure you also sometimes do genuinely fear that outcome. There are at least two ways of addressing that fear. One is to acknowledge that when all is said and done you can't change him. You can't make him do anything. So its not up to you, the pressure is off (if you see what I mean). Its not that you don't care but you (IMHO) have to put some emotional distance in. Acceptance (not in the sense of not caring and not doing anything to help and support him, but in the sense of accepting the situation as it is). What are you doing for YOU? either start or do more. And I suspect you may feel unsupported by your DH if he sees things differently. I could weep (but I rarely do) when I think of one of my children. So much talent and potential which looks (at present) to be going to waste. Frankly I don't care about that so much as fulfillment and self respect and being self supporting etc etc. If they could just hold down a job, any job, I would be happy. It wouldn't have to be appropriate (on paper) to their abilities. But back to your situation. I always remember someone on the boards saying their daughter had been a 'hermit' for a while (I think it was several years, certainly an extended time) but she came out the other end. It was as if she needed the mental space to deal with things. As far as I know in her case she didn't have therapy or treatment but the self imposed solitude was what she needed at the time. I'm not saying that's the case for your son but the point is it was only afterwards that the Mum could see what had been happening. I had a school refuser at one point and home educated for 8 years. She went to 6th from college but hated it (to her credit didn't miss a day and got a distinction in half a BTEC....or whatever it was officially.....and left after first year. Then after a term as a NEET she did an apprenticeship. Now working but doesn't really know what she wants to do long term....only what she DOESN't want to do! I know what its like to have a young person who sleeps in the day and up at night, who won't (or rather can't) go anywhere. And feeling conflicted about going out and leaving the sleeping one when I felt I should be helping them get into some sort of routine. Prioritise your own wellbeing and your relationship with your DH. Well done for getting the EHCP assessment. Are you waiting to hear or was your son not granted an EHCP? Well done for getting PIP. Well done for reaching out on here. We had our son assessed by the Maudsley Adoption and Fostering service. The report they wrote was absolutely brilliant and has opened doors educationally. He got several diagnoses and medication for ADHD which changed our lives. Who knows what other underlying 'issues' your son has. As Donatella says, its not necessarily all down to early trauma. Are investigations ongoing for the thyroid issue? Try the POTATO group for support too. https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ Your son is young yet. He might be missing out on education now, but there's hope that he can get back on track. And I firmly believe that no experience is ever wasted. Here's a hug...(((((((lizk)))))))

I also sent you a PM

Lovely advice, Larsti. xx

Sounds so difficult. He must be feeling awful about himself. Would short term volunteering be something your son could manage? Maybe with abandoned horses or donkeys where he could feel needed?

Thanks Haven. I think parenting gets harder as they get older because you can't do anything!!!! Well often not much :-( :-( :-( Plenty of people on here know how that feels. I hope lizk keeps on posting....or finds a supportive community. Its so quiet on here nowadays :-(

Thanks everyone, This has been really helpful and supportive. And thanks for the hugs, boy are they needed! Happy to keep posting!! PIP applied for not granted brillaint help from local support charity. ditto EHCP assessment only agreed to so far. But yes progress in small steps. And am member of potato though we have almost the opposite of usual problem with avoidant. Bu tperhaps I should ask them too? Yes you are right it is my fear and helplessness as well as the actual situation which adds to the stress. He wants to drive but has taken two years to book a theory test - dreading him not getting it and also just another pressure on top of college. College is metal working course - but his wrists became painful as soon as he started - he does like metal work but now cant do forging. So to some extent it is true he isnt getting much out of the course but if he stops he wont get anything on his CV for another year. And college have made huge allowances to help him at least pass, and now have EHCP he needs to be in education for assessment. I have found course for his other love games design but the college may get closed down for failing ofstead but we are watching this space as it is the only place for these challenged kids and gets good results. My problem is that from my point of view he hits a hard place and then rubbishes the course so that it is no longer "the right thing" for him and so stops the course. This happened on his media BTECH and is now on his metal work course. I am worried that it will be the same on his computer game design course. And we will have to pay for the course any way - and i dont want him to fail it. And we are praying the course goes ahead. I agree that his brain still has more maturity to go. But the support for him while this happens is non existent. I think it is grossly unfair that we were told that he will take longer to mature as his emotional maturity etc takes longer due to the whole early trauma and adoption process and yet this is recognised in terms of statutory assistance e.g. education, allowances. A lot to mull over. And how do i get the pm Larsti? Thanks again? And any more hugs? yeah they are so great and so wonderful to be understood. I am sorry you guys have had it too. xx lizk

((((lizk))))) Not much time to reply properly but to get a PM, go to top of page and click on profile and then another menu should appear and clock 'messages'.

Just to say - he doesn’t need to be in college for assessment - if he can’t cope that is part of the process. We did EHCP assessment for my daughter last year who is 23 and out of college - they hadn’t transferred her statement into EHCP as she was out of college (mental health reasons) so we had to apply from scratch and she now has 7.5 hrs of home tutoring a week - it’s meant to be English and maths but tutor has been doing other things (history geography art and crafts) to keep her motivated. She does other things that were set up before the plan was in place but could have been incorporated if not - attends a craft project one day, voluntary work another then therapy etc) My son was very like yours in his teens but his saviour has been the sport he plays which he now coaches (part time) He was a school refuser then we got him into supported learning at college which school had to pay for - he then did level 1 and 2 sports but found 3 too difficult - he’s done the level 1 and 2 coaching qualifications which I had to organise and although he’s got the level 2 practical stuff has taken ages to complete the file and still hadn’t sent this in (he could get an actual job with this) - very much a self esteem issue I think. Just keep on encouraging him in whatever he enjoys I’m sure he’ll get somewhere in the end - but try also not to push too hard

Good morning. I have endocrine issues as part of my medical ‘stuff’ and I can say the extreme lethargy and his behaviours can be associated with thyroid issues. Moreover children/ young adults who have repeated early trauma have often got more issues with endocrine things. Here’s a link about it: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/03/140320134722.htm Our son is 23 now and has got a reasonably steady job but was really very hard going aged 19 at home. I do understand

Hello, a bit late to this post so you may not see this but you could be describing my son! Refused to go to school from yr 10, forced to home Ed but couldn’t because he wouldn’t engage. Extreme lethargy, found out he was anaemic, that was resolved but still always tired! Finally got EHCP once he dropped out of school! Attended 14-16 programme at college, dropped out, started college dropped out. Because he didn’t have qualifications he was put on really low level courses and had nothing in common with others on the course, he too is bright but very low achievement. We took a different approach, for a year he did work experience with his dad, two days, we paid him for that. We encouraged and supported him (a lot!!!) to set up a small business on eBay selling second hand furniture. Took him to auctions, he’d buy up a few cheap things and sell them on for a profit, he’s really good at dealing with the people that come and collect the stuff. We chose furniture because that’s our background so we could share our expertise with him, but you could choose anything that’s of interest. He’s made a few thousand over the last couple of years which has really boosted his confidence, we’ve registered him with HMRC and he got his own business cards printed etc, he now invoices us for the work he does for us. We paid him to do jobs in the garden too, just to get him out of bed. He had no pocket money other than what he earned. He pays for his phone, Xbox, clothes all out of his earnings, so it hasn’t really cost us much to take this approach. We also joined a health club, he pays for this so is much more likely to use it, it’s about £28 a month but it helped to make him feel he belonged to something. That all boosted his confidence and now with the help of his EHCP this year he’s engaged with a bespoke education provider and is trying to get his functional skills qualifications, lethargy still a big problem as soon as he tries to do anything academic but he hasn’t quit yet, because they are very flexible with him. The most amazing thing was that he applied for a part time paid position with a charity, selling membership and welcoming visitors. It’s a really good position, well paid with paid holidays and pension etc. He had to attend a whole day interview process, was competing with graduates and mature people with much more experience, but somehow he got the job! They loved his enthusiasm and want to train him up. I couldn’t have been more proud! Now I don’t know if he’ll be able to get through a whole day without a nap (!) but the great thing is for the first time in his life it is his responsibility. I have had no communication with the employer so if this one doesn’t work out I won’t have to be involved at least. Am hoping he will now step up and grow up, but only time will tell. Just wanted to post this to give you some hope, that by thinking a bit more broadly about opportunities and not putting too much faith in mainstream education for the answer ( cos frankly they have none for children like ours!) your son might find a way forward. My son is nearly 18 so a lot has changed in a few years. He’s still very high maintenance, battles with his mental health a bit, but to a large extent he has got his mojo back. Secondary school and college knocked the stuffing out of him and it’s taken this long to restore his self esteem. I still worry there might be a medical explanation for how tired he gets, but if there is they haven’t found it so we just have to hope that he’ll get better on his own or he’ll get worse and then it’ll be easier to find out what’s wrong. We suspect he has some level of Alchohol Related Neurological Disorder but he has decided he doesn’t want to pursue a diagnosis for this so we had to let that go for now, but tiredness can be a big issue. As others have said 19 is still very young so don’t give up hope, if he’s bright and curious eventually something will draw him out of his room! Hope you might be able to find something in his story that might help your son. I was exactly where you are a few years ago.

Thanks again to newer sharers. Well done leek and potato, good to hear a positive end. And good to hear of late age EHCP success safia & leek and potato - my authority keeps saying he is too old for EHCP. Any advice on how to succeed - I may post this on the site seperately but do let me know how they made the exception for your children. they have said min AS is too bright, has aspirations so doenst need it. Also is making progress in his college - err no - still at level 2 at 19 same as was at 15. will drop ouit if doesnt get support. - social issues will prevent him volunteering sadly. We may have to try and find the funding for a 16018 yr level 3 course for computer games design - his passion- next year though he may not manage it due tot he energy issue. and just going to read the science round the endocrine issues Pear Tree. Just what i wanted - evidence. I would like these things to be better publicized and how to deal with it. It may well be his thyroid but we are 4 years down the line and we havent got replacement right if that is the problem and that seems a long time to not be feeling well at such a critical time. I will let you know how it goes. meanwhile will post on another topic soon as help and encouragement much needed. thanks xx

great to hear your story leekandpotato. Some much needed encouragement for those of struggling with difficult teens who are no longer in school.