Help! I literally just feel like our world is imploding on us. Basically we are placed with a child currently and awaiting our adoption order hearing. I won't go into the exact details but basically things were going fantastic with no concerns until a safeguarding concern has been raised because a relative has been arrested and released on bail. This relative wasn't even a massive influence in our child's life but he has seen them a few times. SW's did an urgent visit the other day in which they asked us very accusingly if we knew what they were coming for. We honestly didn't and it was a total shock when they revealed it. However it has since emerged that other members of the family have known for ages and chose not to tell us out of fear that it would disrupt the adoption. We're totally shocked, devastated and humiliated for ourselves and oir child (especially since the child was removed due to a BP comitting similar crimes) and we're terrified the child is going to be removed from us. It will devastate both us and our child. I can completely respect SS need to protect the child but I feel like we are being punished for something that was utterly out of our control. I felt very judged when they visitted us which I found totally unfair because we had literally no knowledge of this situation until their visit. We've signed an agreement which basically says that we will have no contact whatsoever with this relative but they want to come and see us next week as they have more information and want to add more to the contract apparently. I'm not sure what else they want to add since we've made it very clear that this relative won't be laying eyes on our child ever again. We're just totally lost and feel like our whole world is imploding. We are bonded very much with our child and they ARE our child as far as we are concernes and it would be earth shattering for the child and us if the adoption was disrupted. Our primary focus is keeping our child and keeping her safe and we are fully prepared to do anything to keep our family together but I just don't know what more we can do. I feel that we have failed our child. Should we be seeking our own legal advice? Has anyone else had a similar situation? I just feel broken. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
So devastated and scared
I should add that the relative lives with some other family members but we've said that we will only let these family members see our child away from this residence. Also, apologies for the terrible typos. I'm typing this frantically and can't see a way to edit. And sorry if the info given is very vague. I need support but my principle focus is protecting my child. Thanks x
Do SS know other family members knew and kept it quiet? If not I think you should be open about that too otherwise they may suspect you knew all along - or even just that you’re not being 100% open. It’s really important to be as open and honest as you can (and to be seen to be) Also maybe you should think about keeping away from more family members if they have been colluding - including the ones he is living with? Or st least talk through that aspect / possibility when you know the full story. Perhaps there is more you don’t know and this is what they need to tell you next week. At all times make it clear by words and deeds that your prime / only concern is your child’s welfare. Good luck with the meeting
We genuinely didn't have a clue at all. You honestly could've knocked us down with a feather. I have told our SW that since our first meeting other family members have revealed that they knew and she's thanked me for being honest. We're trying to be patient and understanding with the family members involved as they are obviously devastated and ashamed too but we're so angry as well. We will be doing that. We want our child to know their innocent extended family if possible but if they tell us to have nothing more to do with anyone and move to the other side of the country then we would do it for our child but I just don't know what more we can really do.
Hopefully you’ll be fine if you can show the child comes first and you are prepared to move / limit contact as appropriate and also that you are devastated and angry at what has happened
That sounds absolutely devastating. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Good advice from Safia. If you can get any of your family to write down that they withheld the information as they were mistakenly thinking they were helping you, that would be good - or if they were happy to have visits from your SWs? Is the person's crime a safeguarding issue in itself? If so, how far would you go to remove yourselves from the risk of seeing this person? You have said you would consider moving further away - that shows your seriousness - I think anything you can do in that vein will go down well. I might also consult a lawyer, just to be on the safe side - hopefully some of the forum stalwarts could recommend you someone, if they agree it might be appropriate.
You're doing all the right stuff and this is not your fault. I hope things are sorted out. Keep us posted. x
Thanks all. It is very much a safeguarding concern yes which is why ss are understandbly all over us. Our family feel as humiliated and devastated as we do and are very apologetic that this has happened and have said that ss are welcome to visit etc. I will just feel so angry for us and our child if the adoption is disrupted for this but like you can say all we can do is demonstrate our commitment to safeguarding and try and convince them that we really didn't have a clue.
You sound so distraught, my heart goes out to you all....
I don't think I am understanding this quite tho....
Is this an extended family member? Someone you do not often see... someone who does not share your (more importantly your childs home?)
Ok if the above is true then I beg you please try & stop feeling like you are totally at fault failing your l/o & putting them at risk...
Naturally this is huge but deffo not of your doing & your lo has been nowhere near or alone with this extended family member...your la are ticking boxes & being sure lo is being kept safe & away from this person... Have the A.O. papers been put in.?.. if so I will be amazed if the IRO will stop the process or want to disrupt the placement... I think you need to fight & point out it is an extended family member & your support network works perfectly without them in it .... Ask the IRO to dbs all your close family if they have care of your lo.... if not keep fighting & point out the obvious... your lo is not left alone with anyone.... ss have a duty of care & are simply proving lo safety & nil risk from this person ... as they still have parental responsibilty....
HTH...
Please keep posting.... I apologise if I have misunderstood the relationship of this person....
Xx moo xx
Yes this is a brother in law but lives with parents. He's only seen our child a few times and all in the context of family gatherings and has never really bothered with them anyway and certainly never been left alone with them. Tbh we've never really let them out of our site since they moved in. I hope it won't disrupt the adoption order and perhaps that is partly why they're getting the agreements etc in place quickly. However the safeguarding concern will need to be explained to BPs during the court order which I can't imagine they'll be happy with especially given that their child was removed due to similar crimes. The difference is though that we can and will safeguard from these risks whereas they couldn't. It's just all such a mess and yes we're very upset. The whole family is devastated but we are the only ones who stand to have our entire family unit shattered through absolutely no fault of our own. I honestly just wish this relative would just do us all a favour and throw himself in front of a train I'm not gonna lie
Sending you many hugs this really is so awful for you all esp Grandparents xxx
O.k. I think data protection prevents ss telling bf any of this.. I think if it were discussed that would be a breach & totally inappropriate...
Sending you calm & supportive vibes... If I could I would send you a 'chat' sorry I cannot still ?
When is the celebration hearing?
Xx moo xx
I'm not sure how you chat on here either sorry. They will not give explicit details no but they will be obliged to reveal that there's been a safeguarding concern raised and that it's due to the arrest of a relative and really that's all they need to know to work out the rest. Yeh it's terrible for the grandparents but at the end of the day they have another daughter and 2 other grandchildren who they dote on and live in their own little bubble with anyway. We're the only ones who stand to lose everything. I can appreciate why they chose not to tell us but it was a serious judgment error that they didn't and an even more serious error that they failed to safeguard their grandchild and allowed us all to be around him. We even went out for his birthday... barf! I just dunno where we go from here really and I'm so sorry that our beautiful child has been bought into this. We don't have the adoption order yet. We had a first hearing and they wanted BPs to seek legal advice before what they hinted would be a final hearing later this year. I can't see us getting the AO that simply now though. Who knows what'll happen now that this has happened
I am genuinely shocked & stunned that data protection allows ss to disclose this information about an extended family relation to bf...
I think you need to take legal advice about that fact....
What has your sw said about this..?
Could you request a meeting with the IRO & your l/o guardian?
I think you do need to be prepared by seeking legal help re your rights...
Sending you much support & rest you must be bereft xxxx
Make sure you join AUK first thing on Monday they will be able to offer you much support & perhaps legal help xx
Xx moo xx
Dear BAJT2018. I have sent you a direct message this morning, with information to look at available as support from Adoption UK.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Best wishes
Scott
Thinking of you BAJT2018.....
Please let us know how you are doing xx
Xx moo xx
Thanks for your support everyone. Well since the original post ss have visitted again 'were we also aware that there was evidence of cocaine use in the house he lives in as well as the original charges' ..... We again had literally no idea and it's a lovely well kempt typical 'nanny's house' but apparently they now think we're taking our kid to a crack den.... fantastic! I don't know how much more we can say that we didnt have a clue and our child will never be going there or seeing this relative again tbh but they want to speak to the grandparents who this relative lives with and then visit them only they're on holiday in a few days so it'll be after that that they can give us a clear outcome for all of this. In the meantime a sister in law has completely disowned me coz apparently it's my fault that she totally failed to safeguard her kids and continued to allow them to go there and she didnt like it when I tried to warn her that ss might well be visitting her about her own children. Can't even think about that right now though. Have spoken to the legal advisers through adoption uk but tbh they were quite none-comitting and just said 'try and get a straight answer as to what the social workers are planning to do next' but that's easier said than done. They seem to believe what we're saying but are keeping their hands close to their chest at least until they've visitted the grandparents which I sort of get but sort of don't because we have said that there's no way we will be letting our child near the offending relative ever again regardless of the grandparents. Just got to play a waiting game now though I guess which is very nerve wrecking
Sorry to say I guess ss are panicing & sadly they need to reseach but rarely cannot do so without going into freefall!
Please stand your ground it is clear in my view this is a massive bolt from the blue for you. You can clearly demonstrate that your dd has not been alone without you... You will obviously not be letting her ever visit that household or its occupants again...
Sadly I think you need to insist, in the best possible way, of your sw of what is going on behind the scenes & what will happen next... I would be wanting a meeting with the IRO to put your case over face to face... The IRO as you know is independent & should be looking out for you as the advocate for your dd giving you the chance to fight as long as he sees the truth...
So glad you have made contact with AUK... Perhaps once your sw or her boss has given you possible outcomes AUK will then be able to give firmer advice to you... You so need to be able to see the wood from the trees... Right now this must be impossible xxxx
Sending you many gentle hugs xxxx
Hang in & please keep posting we are all rooting for you at this impossible time xxxx
Xx moo xx
I do wish I could PMyou!
Hold your ground. You have done nothing wrong at all and you’ve put your child’s needs first. Well done. Although it’s an awful trauma for you, and it is devastating, it is not a major trauma for your child in the scheme of things. You of course will acknowledge it’s not an ideal way to start off an adoption but you didn’t choose any of this.
Pop along to a solicitor or ring AUK helpline (join) and get legal advice. It might be that while this gets sorted out you get a written thing from the ss legal department with their intention for the adoption to progress (with you) & the child to remain in your care.
Hi Peartree - Just to give you some comfort - I have DM'd BAJT2018 to offer support and information.
Thanks
Scott
Thanks everyone for being so caring and supportive. As it stands our SW's are writing a report but are satisfied that we are adequately safeguarding our child and are hoping it won't cause major issues with the AO application and the plan is that it'll go ahead as planned. They've spoken to my DH's parents on the phone who told them explicitly that they don't see this relative as a risk to our child or their other grandchildren (the mind boggles?! WTF?!) However they've made it clear that they will absolutely comply with not letting him have any contact with the children and were very clear that we indeed had no idea about any of this. They want to visit them in person but I think this is more to make sure that the place isn't a crack den and to try and get something into their thick skulls about safeguarding (good luck) TBH I'm more concerned for my sister in law and her kids now as they have known about this for months and still allowed contact. However there's not much I can do if she spouts off at me and tells me never to contact her again when I tell her it how it is. It'll have to be her problem to sort. Feeling a bit more positive now. It's going to be a tense few weeks waiting for the AO to (hopefully) be granted but all we can do is wait really
Great news.... I have been thinking of you all lots....
Great to hear common sense prevails & ss realise your complete innocence & no knowledge...
Congratulations the A.O should be the finality for you... your lo will be officially your daughter xx it is the best of feelings & so very very emotional xx I wish you luck & hope the AO goes thro smoothly xxx
Enjoy your ceremony we had quite the celebration with a party for friends & family who shared the experience with us.... The boys talked about it for ages afterwards & still talk about 'the man called Judge xx! '
Please keep posting with news xx
Xx moo xx
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