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Hi,its not always true that they come with a lot of damage, our son came to us at 2 and a half a year ago now and he had only had one placement so yes, the parting from his foster family obviously caused damage, but apart from that he seems to be just a normal little boy. i know that we have a long way to go but so far, just the normal stuff. we love him and and he fits perfectly.It wasnt always like this, at the beginning our daughter 11 was incredibly jealous as was he and it was hard, very hard and along the way we did think 'oh my God' what have i done! but you just hang in there, keep going. the age difference is too big for them to be real pals, but she plays with him and is protective of him, they still argue but it feels more normal. Another thing i would say is they will not place a child the same age, probably approx 2 years younger, but no reason why that should not work. one more thing, i know you probably already know this, you dont adopt a child as a playmate for your BC but as a child in its own right, that deserves just as much love as your own. sorry for preaching... in the beginning you will think, i can never love this child as my own,and you may feel very protective of your own bc, it will grow, but it will take time, a long time. you need mountains of patience and you cant be a quitter, but its worth it. really. all the best with your decision.

Hi Annie. This is just my experience. Different regions vary greatly. Most social workers like a 3 year age gap, the process is so long that you would be fine with that. Adopted children, on the whole, are extremely demanding. In most cases much more so than birth children.Many posters on here have successfully and happily adopted with a small (3-5 year) age gap.PERSONALLY we waited until our birth daughter had grown up and left home. She is 100% behind us. However, even when she visits, little one's behavior changes and she becomes very demanding. Older one is an adult and understands so there is no jealousy on that side. But I know I couldn't have done it when birth daughter was younger. You'll get lots of varying views, opinions and experiences on here and lots of support whatever your decision. It certainly looks like you're willing to do the research.

Hi Annie - at the beginning of our journey I thought the same as you but after reading etc I soon woke up. Hubby was perhaps more sensible from the start. From the outset our BC was the priority (obvious I know). I remember saying to him once "how would you feel if they call me mummy when we first meet them" he replied "but they would be wouldn't they ?" So he totally understood adoption & accepted it - for his age group. We have 6 years between them & that is JUST about enough - IMHO When AS was placed - outside life continued the same for BC. All his clubs etc. AS is often in bed at pick up time so I make sure I have cover to collect or offer to take other kids to school etc. Support network is important. I'm slightly going off tangent here but the other thing I wanted to say was your BS is 3 so with 2 years of prep course, home study, approval & a short wait your BS will be 5 years old. Are you happy with that gap ? We got used to our "freedom" the odd meal out etc as BS was 6 years old & we were able to relax bedtime. AS was 13 months old & it was a shock to have a 6.30pm curfew again ! Remembering you will be staying close to home for months after placement. Assuming your child was under 18 months I would also thoroughly investigate & read about FAS if you havent already. IMO very few babies will not have been subjected to alcohol in the womb. This is a huge sweeping statement & I'm referring to babies taken from the hospital & this is just my opinion. Also they can be born dependant on drugs & weaned off but the brain damage of drinking is irreversible & again my opinion BM will not have taken care of herself or baby. My baby has no facial features of FAS but BM told sw about her drinking. So we've assumed it was everyday. So our child has brain damage. Only the future will show to what degree. If your child is a baby the future is very unknown. An older child more is known. However you will need to wait many years if you decide to have a large gap. If this all sounds doom & gloom it isn't. We are a very happy family of four & things are "normal" whatever that is. AS is very anxious but my friends would just say he was shy. He thoroughly enjoys nursery. He is your average 3 year old. If I had had another baby & it was disabled we have loved that child. We have used this thought process on AS. Finally none of our family & friends appreciate the hard path AS will have. It does irritate me when MIL & others say "he won't remember anything" but we decided not tell any if them anything. It's his story so he must be told first (when he understands) & I don't mean the adopted bit. This is hard for all to accept so nearer the end of your journey start educating them. Rows can start in our family over the small things. Anyway I've gone on enough - pm or post again if you want more of the world according to cowgirl ! Hth

Hello and welcome to adoption uk message boardsI have a disabling condition which lead to my introducing the thought of adoption to our family. So we adopted partridge and blossom as a sib grp over 10yrs ago now.Then had a little surprise- pip is now 5I do think that all modern adoptees will have some issues because they've all lost at least 1 set of people and lost every sight, smell, voice etc. Having said that- adoption related needs are on a spectrum. Some needs, significant needs and severe needs. If you're looking at say an 18 mth olds profile who's bm is a drug user, bf with mental health troubles, frequent change of carer, neglect, abandonment, domestic violence in their background Then are considering a 5yr old who had tragically been orphaned who otherwise had had good early experiencesYou can see that although much younger the first child is likely to have lots of troubles in every aspect of life whereas the 5 yr old may struggle letting you go out for an evening and was unconsolable when the guinea pig died but otherwise is average.There's a huge spectrum Lots of this will be covered in the home study process and nowadays places like barnardos are much more into preparing people for the realities of offering specialist parenting for a child who hurts.I must admit I did wince when I read about you wanting a play mate for your child and then I thought, well, I thought lots of things before I adopted and I've learnedThere's no reason why you couldn't do this learning tooI know that parenting adopted children isn't anything like parenting a birth childBut I'm ever so glad I did it. Having said that I would have done things differently had I known what I know now.All the best

Hi,Things were a bit different for us. We have 3 birth children and fostered from when they were 4, 6 and 7. They persuaded us to adopt (girls very keen and youngest BS desperate for a little brother). We did not do so until BS was 11 (girls 13 and 14)- our AS was 4. Seven years gap seemed huge, and they only really had a few months that summer of 'playing' together in the garden as I had imagined. Then BS went to secondary school and grew up very fast. I used to wish we had adopted earlier, so that our adopted children were closer in age to our birth children, but from what I've read on here, the fact that there was a bigger gap, and that the birth children involved had a clearer idea of what they would be letting themselves in for, was one of the reasons why things worked OK for us.We went on to add two more children (gaps of 3 years each time), so now have 6!There isn't a right or wrong answer, but take your time thinking things through. Don't rush your decision. BB

I think I'd encourage you to start the approval process, because you'll learn a lot, and will be able to make a final decision from a much more informed perspective. My husband had a lot of uncertainties when we first starting considering adoption, but as we moved further through the process - particularly the four day training - a lot of his negative thinking changed. We already had two birth sons and have since gone on to adopt twice. Our kids are now 17, 14, 9 and 2, and although no-one with a brain would actually PLAN to have kids spread over so many years... this is how our family has evolved and I wouldn't change a thing. Our nine year old AD has some issues, and it's too early to say much about the 2 year old who has only been here three months... but both girls are adorable and we love them to bits. My boys' lives have undoubtedly been different because of adoption, and yes there have been some challenges for them, but it has also enriched them in ways I could never have forseen.

It's not about adopting a playmate for your BC, it's about giving a home to a child who may, or may not, have some additional needs and that is the question you need to be asking yourself.As Cowgirl has said, if you gave birth to a special needs child you would cope because it is your child. How do you feel about the uncertaincy of your adopted child having some extra needs, because these days the majority of adopted children will have some issues due to their chaotic starts in life and some of these issues may be life long.The reason SS like a decent age gap (usually 3 years +) is so that your BC is full time in school giving you time for 1:1 attention to the newly placed adopted child. Adopted children need this much more so than your average BC and you will have to think much younger.If you have a read of the Adopters with BC board, there are many posts from those who have adopted after having BC and they all say it requires a very different type of parenting. Stay on the boards, read a lot and educate yourself as much as possible. Not all children have issues, but some issues are unseen to the outside world and allowances need to be made for this when your child just appears to be different.

Duh! Just realised this is on the Adopters with BC so you are reading it already.

I don't have a birth child so maybe I'm not the best person to reply to you BUT I do have three children, all placed separately as babies, one of whom appears to be relatively straightforward so maybe I can compare.My eldest was 5 months old when he arrived. At that time I imagined he would just be a slightly older version of any other baby. And three years later he did begin to resemble his peers. But it did take that long for him to attach and settle. And now, at 12, he's no different to any of the boys in his wide and varied social circle. So far!!Then my other two arrived. Easy to place babies with no issues. But they're far from that. We have a collection if dxs so far with more to follow. And it has had an impact on my eldest. I haven't always had the time for him that I would have wanted, he has had to witness and deal with some difficult situations. And they have upset him and made him angry. And I do have a small gap between my three - just 4.5 years between eldest and youngest. I rationalised it in various ways - some have worked out, some haven't been how I imagined.Having said all this adopting is the best thing I've ever done. My kids are amazing people and ultimately having each other in their lives is a positive experience. You do have to go into it with eyes wide open, you do have to be able to accept that there are no guarantees. A lot of children placed these days have less than ideal beginnings - and I mean from conception, not birth. Drugs, alcohol, domestic abuse are often featured. Undiagnosed mental health issues. A lot of conditions can be hereditary, ADHD, ASD etc. None of this is insurmountable but you have to decide whether you could live with a level of uncertainty. And in the meantime read all you can.

HiMy bs was 9 when we adopted a 15 month old little girl who was an 'easy to place' child with no recorded difficultiesFrom the start she was incredibly challenging and definitely saw bs as competition for our attentionShe was very violent towards him, broke his things and would scream loudly when he spoke so we couldn't hear himWe had strategies in place but I can't imagine how we would've coped if he had been youngerWe love them both and I think adoption has been a very positive, if challenging, experienceBut, they are not best matesI feel very strongly that parents should go into adoption the way they would if giving birth - they must love unconditionally and not favour one child over the otherCould you love a child if they hurt your BC or if your BC didn't like them?Children needing adoption have already been let down they need parents who will love them whatever

Really interesting thread. We're in much the same place - our BD is just three, and we can't have another child so we want to adopt another. We also keep getting very negative messages, and likewise our priority has to be our daughter's happiness. We've had just the same doubts as you, but I have to say so far our experience of SW's is not good - we've only got as far as an info session but were faced with a brick wall of negativity when they realised we had a BC. We're now thinking of trying elsewhere in the hopes that a VA will be more informative and supportive, rather than giving us the "don't even bother trying" attitude we got at our LA. Yes, I admit we're starting a bit clueless about what we're getting into, but surely EVERYONE starts there?! My advice to you, for what it's worth - find out as much as you can, canvass as much opinion as you can (these boards are great), and at the end of the day go with your instincts. Nobody understands your BC like you do, so trust your feelings about how he'd cope and whether it's really what you all want. But do so from an informed perspective. Good luck, either way!

Hi, our experience is that of 3 bc - 16, 13 and 6- the 16 year old lives with husbands ex- and we have just adopted our lo- was 9 months on placement.Lo is straightforward- or so it seems- however we are just adept at meeting needs and ensuring a very routine based responsive home life is in place- if it changes its hard for lo. All things have to be done gradually and on a daily basis and then it's ok. Lo won't nap anywhere except for cot at home- wont snooze in car or will take mini nap in pram- so we are housebound meaning we divide and conquer with the other kids or get up early to get out and back for an afternoon snooze! It's do able- but takes planning and consideration for lo. We have adapted around the new needs and bc had to fit around it all.Adoption leave was a case of serious stay home and build a relationship around the needs of lo- we developed a bubble and no one could pop it. Was hard and intense- has paid off now as I have returned to work and lo is presenting securely and is coping well with child care. I didn't though... My levels of distress and guilt and leaving lo shocked me. Bc have coped beautifully with lo joining the family- they are loving and kind- however to each other they have become quite hard work! Go for the biggest age gap and also different gender between youngest. It's hard work but worth it!

I must say I found this a very interesting thread because I was thinking just the same thing today. I have just been accepted onto my LA's prep course and have been reading up on everything to do with adoption and the potential needs of the child. My bd is 13 and seems to be more than happy with the idea of us adopting (I'm single too). But today I started feeling guilty that bringing a lo into our household could be so disruptive for her during a very sensitive time for her (the dreaded puberty!). I think she is old enough now to understand although I do anticipate jealousy & arguments. I think I need to make sure she is fully 100% behind it and give her a mini prep course once I've had mine!Sorry to make this about me. As a positive my LA knew from the start I had a bc (I took my bd with me to the initial information evening) and seem quite happy with it.

Hi AnnieI was in your position a while ago, weighing it all up, doing a lot of soul searching. And here we are now...Our BC is nearly 7 and we adopted a young baby 6 months ago. We are so proud of our BC, who although 100% on board at the start, still had the shock of his life when the reality of an adopted sibling exploded into the household! I feel he has grown so much as a person in 6 months and although he does struggle at times, he loves his brother to bits. We are also so proud of our AC who has had to cope with the biggest change of all. Yes our BC had a strange sibling land on him but our AC was plucked from everything he knew and landed in our family. What a shock it must have been for him. The first two months were incredibly difficult for all - including AC and BC - but our family dynamic began to shift and adjust. Of course it's a continual process...As others have said, with a baby there is always a lot of uncertainty and it's early days for us. But I know that we are 100% committed to being a forever family to our AC, we are his parents and we will do everything in our power to meet his needs throughout his life, including any unforseen emerging needs, just as we would for our BC. Our BC's needs do not come first. Both children are our children. Full stop. I cannot offer the experience and wisdom of those who adopted years ago as it's still very early days for us but what I would say is that if you do decide to adopt you have to be able to say hand on heart that your BC will no longer be your priority. As JMK said, if you had another BC who had special needs, you would cope because they are your child. If you go into adoption, you have to see it the same way. They are your child. At the moment, it's understandable that you are only thinking about your BC's wellbeing and how an adopted sibling will affect them as they are the only child you have. As soon as you enter into adoption, you have to equally consider the impact on your AC. So you have to ask yourself what you would do if you are matched with a supposedly easy to place/straight forward baby/toddler and then discover as the months unfold that they have additional needs that are likely to impact on your BC. Could you treat your AC as you would if you had another BC who had additional needs which might impact on your first BC or do you disrupt the adoption? If you go into adoption and get to matching stage, I feel strongly that you have to make that life long commitment from the outset (before you've even met your AC) because that is really what it's about. It really saddens me when I hear about disruptions because of the effect on BC. I DO understand why some social workers are nervous about placing AC with adopters with BC when you consider the possibility of disruption (adoption breakdown). I actually think more not less should be made of this during home study because a lot of soul searching IS needed. I think social workers are right to really probe these issues.OK, I'll get off my soap box now...Goodl luck with your decision.

Birdsnest, what an amazing and inspirational post. You said everything that should be said. Your boys are very lucky little chaps x

Wow, I totally agree with Donatella - Birdsnest, that is such a great post! As a parent with a BC considering adoption, you really have given me reassurance and food for thought. Thank you

Brilliant post, Birdsnest, I only wish that some of the Adopters with BCs who have had children from us had been as wise as you. There is little worse for a FC than seeing a little one move to a family where they will always be second best because they are adopted

Birdsnest has put it in a nutshell. There is a great deal of uncertainty in adoption but you really do need to be as committed from day one as you would be if you had given birth.

I would suggest that where adoption is concerned there are no right answers, and no one fits all solutions. This might be the perfect time for your family to adopt but alternatively you may need more time. Talk to your SW and be honest about everything, they are there to help and the fact that you are thinking about all the issues is a positive. Slow things down if need be and do some more reading. Unfortunately there are a few negative people around that are quick to criticize, keep positive people around you. Conclusions and decisions can be made objectively and with support.We all choose to have adopted children for a whole host of reasons and there is nothing wrong with wanting a sibling for your existing bc. Our BC are 7 and 4 and we have been approved for 0 - 2.5years. We are in the process of being matched with an 18month old. Stay positive, and keep talking to each other and your SW. xx