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hello, and welcome to the boards of wisdom! - im happy to share our story, perhaps I should also write to Best Magazine, may make some holiday spending money.. it's not all bad and adoption has certainly not been a disaster for us!we wanted to adopt (adoption is in the family), not sure if I could become pregn , never wanted to - so, we proceeded on a long journey to become approved (that was tricky because of my decision not to give birth).. we were approved three years ago and matched with a little boy two years ago - its been difficult, its been hard work yes, its been trying, testing and sometimes a total nightmare but... we have the most lovely amazing little devil (ops sorry) little man who has come such a long way in such a short period of time. I watched him play badmington today at an LA event another skill he picked up in an instant, i watched with such pride and one of the teachers said to me before I left for work, he looks like you doesnt he to be honest he looks nothing like me but what a moment, he is my son, warts and all, he is part of our family - some members never accepted him, most have included him as their own flesh and blood , he has many friends, he also has many enemies - he is a little person who was very very lost and needed a mummy to care a mummy to show him the way and a mummy who loves him WARTS and all!i do understand that some adoptions break down and i have full sympthy for anyone in that situation - but not all stories are full of sadness and hurt .. so what more can I say other than, GOOD LUCK and whatever your decision is then well done in the making of it x

Hi,Welcome to the boards I guess it comes down to what your expectations of adoption are. Your hopes and dreams for an adopted child. Some people think adoption is just a different way to create a family and that a loving, caring environment will be enough to heal their bad start in life. 'Adoption is not a cure for infertility' I read on here a while back. I think that's very true. Have you given yourself time enough to grieve about not having a biological child? Not saying you haven't, but your social worker will want to make sure you've done your grieving before you start on this rollercoaster journey. I think adoption is about accepting a child for who they are, accepting that the trauma they have suffered in their past will almost certainly influence their behaviour and emotions in the future. We are in the process of adopting 2 older children. It has been very hard going to be honest. There are days when we feel so drained and we long for some time 'like it used to be'. But we haven't regretted our decision, the rewards outweigh the sacrifices. I think it made a difference that we were realistic about our expectations. If we had gone into this thinking that we would rescue a child and live happily ever after I think we would have been bitterly disappointed. We know we may not be able to 'repair' all the damage they suffered. We celebrate small victories and try not to be sad about things that may not be possible for them to achieve. Some adopters have hardly any issues with their children, I'd say most do however (ranging from mild and manageable to extremely severe). Don't want to put you off, but I think it's important to be prepared for when things get tough. If you are a strong couple (preferably with a great support network!) and you have realistic expectations then adoption can be very rewarding. I found these boards invaluable. I'm so glad I found them, I learnt far more on here than from any preperation course or book. Good luck in coming to your decision. xx

welcome to the boards, you will find lots of help, supprt and varied opions here, a great source of information.the road to adoption is long and you will have plenty of opportunities to learn all about what is needed and what it takes to adopt.by the time you are introduced to your new family you will be an ace at it all and be able to answer these questions for people starting on the adoption path, all by yourself lolyou alone will know for your own circumstances whether this is the right choice for you and your partner. you will get heartwarming stories a-plenty here, i can assure you. and to temper them there will also be some sad ones too.put it this way, have a look at how busy these boards are and if that many people are doing it, then it can't be all that bad!don't forget that as a member of Adoption UK you also have the support of the AUK team for any serious issues. I personally havent used them but it is great to know they are there.i am currently family-finding, so i don't (YET) have a heart-warming story - but I will , and so will you. lots of luck, mary xxx

Just in relation to you and your house...On my first homestudy visit (a bit farther down the track than you are now), I had taken the afternoon off work, and planned to return home at lunchtime to remake all the unmade beds, put away the ironing and the wahsing up, buy cake, flowers etc. Then I got a call at work from the SW saying that she had transport issues and couldn't make it, and I found myself offering to pick her up and drive her. So, her first impression of my house included washing draped everywhere, unmade beds and a drainer stacked with crockery. Not my finest hour. When I apologised for the state of the house, she just said that she could imagine a child being happy here, and that kids make mess.So don't panic - they need to see that your house is big enough for a child (they will expect a child to have his own room, and for siblings not to have to share if they are of the opposite sex, I think), and that you don't have any obvious dangers or worrying hobbies (collecting sharp knives, broken glass lying around, a rope ladder to the upstairs etc.!)As for you, of course you are 'good enough'! The SW will want to find out if adoption is for you, and whether you have a realistic understanding of what you are taking on, but that's a different issue. It's a tough process, and can be very intrusive at times, but they are asking you to do the most extraordinary thing, so they need to be sure of you and to prepare you well. At all stages you can question, so don't feel you are signing your life away just yet.As for the horror stories, they are out there, and they sell newspapers and magazines. Some people have an incredibly tough time, and you will read some of those stories here - love alone can't always undo the harm done to these children, and god knows their parents have tried their utmost. Others like bedspring and FluffyCat have weathered their storms and prospered.Good luck with your decisions!

LisaIt is a hard time- I am not sure when you received the news that your birth children would need to be conceived with IVF but this is probably what the SWs will focuss on tomorrow. They like you to have six months past any fertility treatment/appointments and begining the process. Realising you cannot have Birth Children is a loss and they want you to recognise that (not be over it, but accepting of it) before you start the process rather than during or after placement, this is for your sake as much as any children. Adopting has highs and lows-look on the adopters board-and read the ARF thread! Parenting an adopted child is not like parenting a birth child-time out and controlled crying may work for Birth children loved nurtured and secure, for an adopted child it can re-traumatise them. Birth parents are full of advice on what to do- the best advice I was given was ignore them. It also depends on who you are-which is why you should have confidence in the adoption team you work with, not all adoptions will work, indeed 20% break down, but good social services can help find the right match, a child that will break one family may thrive in another, again this isn't always true but I cannot emphasise enough the need to find the right Agency or Authority. Do some reading AUK has a library for members=Real Parents Real Children is good, as is the Primal Wound, Parenting the hurt child. Read read read. I was your age when we first made enquieries about adoption, our Local Authority turned us down at the first hurdle and asked us to come back in 10 years, I was 10 years too young for them, not at the peak of my career and by not considering/trying surrogacy had not exhausted my fertility options- I went elsewhere and Satsuma is upstairs screaming at Daddy! It isn't all easy peasy but the truth is he is perfect for us, and we are perfect for him. He is becoming more content and settled everyday and thriving. He has had trauma but he seems to be finding a joy for life that sometimes makes me want to cry after all that he went through. He is 15 months has been here 2 months it seems like forever.