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Maybe I'm not best qualified to advise as I don't have a birth child. I do, however, have three adopted children who were all placed separately. I do have quite small gaps between mine - under 3 years between eldest and middle, and just 20 months between middle and youngest. They were all baby placements.My eldest had been at hone for over 3 years when middly was placed so he'd had me all to himself for all that time. He was reasonably settled but still struggled to share me. When our daughter was placed 20 months later it was very hard. At that time I had a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a 12 month old baby.I'd say that for us, on the whole, it has worked but only because I'm a Sahm, I had time to give each child one to one, there was no trauma bond and they had equal status, ie all adopted!! It has been very hard. Two have substantial additional needs and it means that my eldest has suffered because of it. We have jealousy but mostly normal sibling stuff. I'm glad I did it this way but I knew that it would be hard, I knew how difficult it could be to integrate an adopted child into the family and they were all babies. Had an older child been placed then I have no doubt that it would have been much harder for my existing child/ ren to cope with.

If I had had my way and we had had birth children much much younger than we are (but life had other plans), we'd have had as BIG a gap as possible between them. Why do you think a large gap wouldn't look "normal"? I think it is very sensible, for both birth and adopted siblings.As it is we probably won't be able to have a very big gap because that would mean an even bigger gap between us and a second adopted child.There's a mum (sensible,well educated, great parent etc. etc.) of a toddler the same age as little boy that I know, who is currently heavily pregnant with her second. All my friends and I think she's bananas.

Friends of mine did that. Think they wanted them as close as possible to get the baby thing over so they could get back to work!!Not an option here.

Hi fruit batGood questionMy answer is that you are right. The majority of people would strongly recommend as large an age gap for lots of important reasons.HoweverReading your post and thinking a bit I have come to this pointYou reach your mid 50s as they hit early pre- puberty and on top of that you want, you are choosing a tight age gap?That might be your ideal, but its not a choice I think i would make.Very wise to think all this through and great you are coming on the boards and being open in asking

Hi,We have 3 years between our AC and our youngest BC.For us, after some bumpy times, it has worked out very well.Our youngest BD and AC play very well together and really love each other. I would say that out of all of us he started to form some type of attachment to her most quickly. The most beneficial part of the placement for him has been having a sibling that can play with him and can help him to model appropriate behaviour. If he starts being silly then she does not want to play with him and he quickly modifies unco-operative behaviour. She has been a large part of helping him to feel secure and we are extremely blessed to have an AC who seems to be extremely resilient and a BC who is wise beyond her years.They do argue but in what I would call a 'normal' sibling type way. It is certainly no different to our older 2 birth children when they were little and there is a similar age gap between the older 2.Our youngest BC was number 3 and was already used to siblings and what this means. She was used to sharing us, having to wait and realised that the world did not revolve around her. If we had, years ago, introduced an AC to our family only 3 years younger than our oldest child and he had been by himself in the family until that point I can fully understand the potential for some very unpleasant fall out. I do not think he would have coped with it. Until his sister arrived then he had been our everything. Yes- he socialised with other children and we had extended family but it is so different to having a sibling that you cannot get rid of. Our situation is down to luck and the particular personalities of the children that we have. We thought long and hard about whether this was this right thing for our existing family but ultimately we felt that we could be parents to him and we could cope with the worst case scenario. What has turned out to be extremely positive for all concerned could have turned out to be a disaster. A smaller age gap is a high risk strategy. There is no guarantee that your children will play together or even like each other. They may have very little in common. I would certainly think that having a larger age gap could minimise the risk of upset, rivalry etc etc. I notice that your BD is still very little and would have thought that her capacity for understanding this huge change in her life and actually what it will mean in reality will not hit home until you have a living, breathing and potentially very annoying younger sibling placed. It may also be the case that if you do decide to go for a smaller age gap then a sibling of the opposite gender might work well. It has for us.The one thing that also worked well for us was that our youngest BC was in school full time when he came to us. We kept him at home for many months before there was a very gradual introduction to school. I know that some people like to send their AC off to school quite quickly to maintain routine but in my limited experience of adoption I feel that it is much more important to start to get the relationship with you off to as a good a start as possible without the large chunks of the day when they will be at school. This time helped us to get to know each other and start to form bonds. We both had many hours in the day to focus only on him without the distraction of the other children. If I wanted to sit for 2 hours cuddling him or rocking him then I could. We went for lots of walks together and did things like cooking and craft activities. By the end of it I was dying for some time to myself and was very glad when I started to get a few hours to myself again!There were some very hairy times and I found it really difficult but, with support, we have managed to find a way through to a place where we have a happy and settled family. I really do love him now but it took many months for him to feel as if he was really mine and not some little cuckoo in our nest. It was hard to manage this when also trying to meet the needs of three other children. Who knows what the future holds but for now we are enjoying the calm. Long may it continue!Good luck!

Hi.Great answer above.Yeah we have been thinking th same thing and i recently asked similar question.One of the things i am cautious about is that the younger our birth child, the more protective i am going to feel over her. As i understand it, the love for the adoptive child takes a while to develop and i think with a smal age gap ther would be a real risk of favouring the birth child if the adoptive child had any volatile behaviour. We r now thinking that the age gap we might aim for is 5years.I work in the social field and knowing how common it is for babies to be removed because of maternal drugs or alcohol use, i would personally want the AC to be aroud 2years+ so that any developmental issues were more likely to have shown themselves in some form. So this is all pushing the waiting time on further than we had thought!

yes definitely a success story here 1 year into placement, AC was 3 at time of placement, BC was 7. It has not been easy, we werent prepared as we thought we wree (researching fanatically, being on boards for years, being paretns already) but in terms of our view now of our decision to adopt - well we now have the family we always wanted and live a mostly happy calm(ish) life.We always wanted around 2 year gap, we fall into the "it wont be like that for us though" camp when reading all the stories of how tough it was having clsoe gaps. As luck woudl have it, the 3 year from prep course to AD coming home worked in our favour as I think it woudl have been WAYYY tougher had BS been much younger than 7.AC has her behavioural issues, we have found it tougher thatn we thought and are still learning how to manage AD to get the best out of her (IYKWIM). BS was always so desperate for a sibling but found it incredibly difficult when she didint reciprocate his loving, giving caring and greived the loss of our devoted time. That only lasted a couple of months and now they are entirely like every other siblings we know: they scrap, they wind each other up, they fight over toys, they moan about whats not fair, they sit and cuddle, they are excited to see each other, the chase each other round the house, they boss each other around.I still kinda wish that they were slightly closer in age, they can only jsut find common ground to play at their current ages) but I know now that an even smaller gap woudl have made life incredibly difficult as there needs of us would have been so very similar it would have caused more conflict and division.Overall we feel our adoption so far is a success :-)

Thank you so much, everybody, for these open and detailed replies. There's a lot of food for thought there! I'm glad that smallish gaps seem to have worked so well for some people, but also remain very aware of the potential for problems. It's so good to be able to ask for, and get, so many views and experiences: every bit of info is helpful, and it's all adding to the heap of things we can talk through with SW when we get to that stage. In my heart I still want a smallish gap - if I'd been able to have another BC I would have had one already by now! - but of course AC's are very different to BC's in all sorts of ways. I'm also quite hopeful of getting a very young AC (SW in initial discussion mentioned that they have a lot of children around a year old) because deep down I'm bricking it a bit about coping with a child who's been in care much longer and had years to develop complicated emotional needs! It's not to say a baby would necessarily be "easier" than an older child, but given they've come from a bad start anyway, then my instinct is the less they can remember about that, the less hard it might be for both kids. I have no background in child psychology or social work, or anything remotely similar, and I freely admit I'm pretty scared of what we might be taking on. I guess my opening gambit with SW is to say we won't risk making BD too unhappy, and that her wellbeing is the ultimate veto, and see what they come back with. But it's so helpful to hear what others' experiences have been - thank you so much.

Okay. I'm going to burst your bubble somewhat now.Because a child is younger, or even a baby, at placement does not mean that they won't have traumatic memories. Those memories might be stored differently, ie in their body rather then their brain, but often there will be things which trigger those implicit memories. In a lot of ways you're taking an even bigger leap of faith with a baby - often issues not become apparent till school age.Added to this you have to take into account stressful pregnancies, drug and alcohol abusers during pregnancy, diagnosed or not learning difficulties, poor mental health. Often, birth families are dysfunctional for a reason, they abuse substances as a means of self medicating.There is absolutely no guarantee that the younger a child is, the fewer memories. Any adopted child will have suffered loss - birth mother and FC and whilst they may not be able to verbalise those feelings, their behaviour will show you.

Agree with Donatella. It's hardly scientific, I realise that, but of my children, the one placed as a baby has lots of social and emotional problems, and is much harder for other children to get along with - she also finds expressing her emotions verbally very difficult and tends to show them through her behaviour, which can be very quirky. The one placed at just over two knows how to get on with everyone, is very in touch with her feelings and easily expresses them verbally - we often talk them through. Although she is the younger child, and does get fed up with older dd's ways from time to time, I think it her social and personal skills that are reason my two actually get on pretty well quite often.

Our son was removed at only a few months old and although there is no way he could have remembered what went on in the BF it is astonishing what has been left behind in terms of who he is and how he behaves as a result of a less than ideal pregnancy and first part of his life.If you go for a young child you are taking a big risk. A baby may appear to be developing 'normally' but, as Donatella states, problems may not become appparent for a considerable amount of time. If you are scared about what you might be taking on then would you consider waiting for a year or two and looking for a slightly older child? Our son was almost 4 when he was placed. We had a good idea of his needs by this stage and could decide whether we were in a position to meet these.Our success with a small age gap is, I am sure, to do with the fact that our youngest BC was already part of a sibling group. I hear what you are saying about your age and your desire for a small age gap and it might seem unfair me saying this when we have only a 3 year gap but I cannot caution you enough about a very small gap. The majority of people are telling you to have a larger gap because, in the vast majority of cases, this is for the best. Nothing can prepare you for how different it is having an adopted child to having a birth child.We have been to many adoption meet ups with BC and AC and we are pretty much the only ones who do not have issues with siblings where there is a small age gap. Their children do not play together and it is all very stressful- especially in the early days. I do not know how they do it- I am full of admiration for them. They deal with it all with such grace. I remember feeling that I did not know which way to turn when we were at the same stage as you. When we started I wanted to rush on and adopt a very small child with as small a gap as possible between AC and our youngest BC. Very glad that I had cold water poured on that idea. It would not have been in the best interests of our existing family and certainly not in the best interests of the AC. Their needs are paramount. If you are sure that you can give them the time and attention that they deserve with a small age gap and a young BC then go for it. All families are different and you will know in your heart what is going to be best for you all. Hope the meeting with the SW goes well.

Gosh - thanks again, everyone! Feeling rather deflated but I'd far rather be wise now than in hindsight. I think we need to sit down and get our thinking caps back on I know the only really easy and sensible thing to do is to give up on the idea altogether, but if we wanted easy and sensible we wouldn't be putting ourselves forward in the first place! Maybe we can go through the process, get ouselves approved (hopefully) and then sit back and wait - use the time to recover a bit - and see how we all feel in a couple more years. And if we do start to feel far too old in the meantime, then so be it!

I kind of see where you're coming from but think maybe it would be best to wait until you are 100% sure about adoption being right for you. Any ambivalence would be picked up by a decent social worker and you might find yourself at best having a hard time, at worst being rejected. Do you know any adopters? Would it be with going along to some group meet ups which are arranged? And in the meantime read lots!! The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog is a good pace to start.

Fruitbat, adoption is full of risks, more so than parenting which is full of risks already. I don't think a small gap is a terrible idea. I don't think small babies are necessarily unscathed - they sometimes have had lots of changes of carers already which is damaging, they sometimes have been terribly scarred emotionally by one change of carer at birth, they sometimes have issues such as learning difficulties or FAS which might not be apparent as babies.I think the most important thing is to think about your resiliance. Are you hoping for a baby because you need the LO to be perfect ? Are you going to be ok if the child has more needs than you expected ? Some adopters end up dealing with a huge degree of difficulty and I think very few of us sign up for that. But if you end up with a middling scenario - some attachment difficulties, needing to have psychological support - is that ok ? What sort of degree of difficulty feels too much ?

Thanks everyone - again. I'm sorry if I'm coming over as desperately naive: I don't for a second imagine a "perfect" child (is there such a thing?!), and I think your point, Ducks, about a "middling scenario" is a good one. Yes, of course we would be happy with that; and I also think we could cope with more than we realise. If we'd been able to have another BC there's nothing to say they wouldn't have been born with terrible problems. For ourselves as a couple and individually, we're definitely up for it, warts and all, and realise the whole point is to try to nurture and support a damaged (possibly VERY damaged) child in the best way we can. In that regard it would be so much easier if we didn't have a BC already, because there'd be no needs but our own and the AC's to consider. It's the potential impact on BD that worries me: the dream is to take a BC and an AC and come out the other side with two reasonably happy, reasonably well-adjusted kids ... the nightmare is going in with one very happy kid and coming out with two utterly miserable ones. This is what has prompted my musings on age gaps and "normality" (unfortunate choice of word, perhaps I should have used "average appearances"): not some OCD thing about children needing to be close in age for it to work. So, I'm happy to have my "bubble burst" - I'm essentially trying to work out what's best to do for everyone involved, and all advice is welcome. I'm not expecting to work miracles, but having had three years' experience I think I'm a fairly decent mum, and I just want to extend that to an extra person if I can and make a difference somehow. Maybe that will indeed mean waiting a while so a bigger age gap can open up: I think we need to get that appointment booked with SW and talk all this through, air all our worries and see what the SW says to it all (and pray fervently that we get a good, experienced, understanding one!) I do hope we can find a way - but without being precious about it, I know exactly where the line is that I will not cross with regard to BD's happiness. I have parental and moral responsibility for her, and that's always going to be the bottom line throughout this process. But what a shame if that means we have to leave a kid in care instead of taking them home with us. I have nothing but admiration for all of you who are already doing this, and I do hope that I, and we as a family, are strong enough to join you. If only there was a magical fount of answers! But thanks again for listening and replying.

Hi FruitbatI would say proceed with your eyes wide open. Its fine to have ideas in advance about what you are hoping for but expect that what you end with might be very very different either conciously or unconciously. Once you get approved and are going through linking and matching you will see that in fact you get VERY little choice over which children you stand a chacne of being linked with. You can express interest in many but as you have a BC already you are more likely to be rejected for lots instantly. In the end you may find that you chose to broaden your horizons as you just arent getting enough profiles through, or the ones you are getting that are within your very tight stipulation are just way off the mark. Its what happened to us, and so in broadening our horizons we ended up being willingly linked at different times with children who were way way outside what we had ever considered.Just be open minded, get approved then get a sense for the children that are coming your way, you can always change your criteria later, and you may jsut see a profile for a child who jumps straight into your heart but is very different thatn you thought.PS - we really wanted a baby because of the bonding, less personality to deal with etc, but I cant emphasise more strongly that you absolutely totally cannot know what you are getting, at least with a 3+ you can see their personality and as an existing mum will have a good sense of when something is just not quite right. Every child has significant risk but for us the risks in baby far outweighed teh risks of being in care/birth family longer.Good luck