HiIm basically just wanting to speak to anyone who is going through similar process to myself and to find out how they are dealing with this and what advice i can get.I started the process in Feb 2011 and contacted the LA to get some information, we where limited to who we could go with as we had just finished fertility treatment that Deecember but we where keen to get started as it was something we had considered even before we went for fertility treatment.We had a home visit within a few weeks and then we where invited to a 2 day information course which was great.Then we where appointed a social worker which we had to change due ot the length of time we where having to wait on her getting back with info, having to supply info twice, then being told we had to supply different info as the info we had been told to supply in the first place was not the right info, so at the end of july 12 the following year we asked the senior sw to appoint us with a new sw to see if we could get the process going any quicker as our home study had not even started yet and we had been doing the process from the initial phonecall a year and a half ago.Then we got a new social worker who we are more than happy with and our home studies began and where going really well, we had completed them round start of november last year and where told we could be infront of panel before christmas !! In the meantime my father in law was diagnosed with cancer and things where really uncertain as to what action the hospital could take, we where all in shock from this and did not tell our sw this due to the fact my husband had not even told his own friends and had not fully digested this himself and i did not feel it was my position to tell sw as it was not my father and my husband is a lot more of a private person than i am but in the end we told the sw on my first opportunity as she got in touch with us asking us why we had not handed in our social history, we had not handed in our social historys as my husbands father had been admitted to hospital the same day the sw was out with us to finalise our social histories and to give us a copy of them to read and sign and send back and from running to and from hospital we had not had the chance to leave them in, so i had told sw this and then i phoned her and explained what had happened and she had said about pulling out of panel but i knew that my husband would not want this and we would want to still go ahead as nothing else had changed, the sw and ssw came out to visit to ask why we had not told them the last time they where out and basically my husband had advised them that at this stage his family did not know what was happening and they wanted to find out more so we could tell them exactly what was happening with his father.They left us that day and we where going in front of panel in the feb 13 and without any inklination from our sw we where deferred and only found out after my husbands father passed in March 13 and the sw came out to visit us in the middle of april to advise us that panel deferred us due to three issues, one being they had trust issues with us as they feel we should have told them sooner about my father in law, 2 our finances where tight even though there was no word of this before panel and we have no debt and some savings and lastly our criteria was unrealistic and they adv us to prove that we are honest people to the panel we had to consider changing our criter.We where then asked to look at some case studies of children and explain why we thought we would accept them or why we could not accept them, the sw also asked my husband to write up a paragraph on how his mother was coping since his fathers passing.we completed all of the above and reaslised that there was one child within our criteria so we would of course write why would accept this child and all the other children we wrote one paragraph to explain them all as we felt we would be repeating ourselves to write a paragraph for each one.We also had to supply our finances again for the 3rd or maybe 4th time in which we did, then after supplying all this 3 weeks had went by and we had heard nothing else, all contact was in the form of letter, no longer phonecalls or txt, this made me feel like the LA where being really cold towards us and made me feel really anxious but i kept telling myself that we have done nothing wrong and just wait and see what comes from the info supplied.I sent a txt to our sw asking if they had rec''d our info and what was the next step to then be told that the ssw was of on holiday and she had to pass it all to her and she would then be in touch.This is now july and we got a letter 2 weeks after my txt on a friday evening after getting home from work we got a letter with 2 lines telling us that sw and ssw wanted to meet with us on the monday, i felt so anxious the whole weekend and it was too late by the time i got home to contact anyone.That monday we went over we met with sw and ssw to be advised we had 3 options due to the fact they felt my husband did not give a good enough explanation of why he didnt tell them sooner about his father, he was then told ue to the paragraph he was asked to write about his mother, " it was all about your mohther " the senior sw said, i adv this is what he was asked to do ? then they adv he was very practical, in which most men are and that he was not showing enough emotion about his fathers passing, i adv that my husband does this privately and is not one for public display in which he does, they then adv our criteria was unrealistic as they where dealing with really damaged damaged children and they felt we did not understand this, even though the whole time our sw was with us there was no metion of this and as far as we where concerned we where lead to believe we had a great case for panel and we had to be totally honest with our criteria, the way we worded our paragraph was questioned to which we adv the wording we used was from ther criteria form, they then advised us that the form was an old form and there are now new forms !!??So we have now been given 3 options, go to panel without there recommendations, go to AUK or quit.I am happy to come to AUK as i feel i will get to speak to people in the same boat but they have adv us they will not be in contact with us again until Jan 14.I just want some advice or guidance or speak to someone who as been through something similar as we are both really disheartened as we are very keen to adopt and give a child a secure and loving home.
NEW TO AUK AND TRYING TO FIND MY FEET
HiFirst of all welcome to auk. I wish I could say your story is unique, but its not. I have read several similar posts over the years and some have been resolved by LA while others have gone to neighbouring LA or Voluntary Agency and others have given up. I would suggest you join AUK or other similar adoption support group and document research you've done on children living with trauma. Sometimes if you've come from an educated/professional background you haven't learnt how to speak 'socialworker' and this is a knack in itself. Some don't understand that people might not want to share emotions, but if you're going to adopt you need to learn that this is one of the hoops you will both need to jump through. Try to get to see/speak to other adopters and do a bit of searching on these boards, not just new/prospective adopters, but us parents of older adoptees, as we often
Sorry - these boards are due to be replaced and not sure why I couldn't finish above post We often have experience of difficulties on adoption and are fluent in 'socialworker'Hope that helps
Hi FimThank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post :-) I'm really glad my story's not unique and I'm glad to hear that there is others who have been through something similar as at least now I don't feel like we are being victimised !! Do you think it would be a good idea to change agency and start again with another one ?
That's a really difficult one to answer as I don't know all the facts and only you and your DH can make that decision. But I would recommend you try the auk helpline for more specific advice.
Trust is a huge issue for SWs. There is nothing they dislike more than the thought they are being deceived, even when they are not. I told my SW something quite late on in my home study but well before it was finished. As far as I was concerned the right moment hadnt arisen. She didnt quite see it that way but it led to huge discussions about what else I might be witholding - nothing, but negative is hard to prove. I did get through it in the end but it was damagingThere is also no privacy in adoption world. This was a huge event in your DHs life and most SWs would expect you to have some time to grieve before continuing with another hugely stressful thing.Not sure what they mean by going to AUK - so you can understand more about tramuatised children - so then they will reasses you?The reality is you are unlikely to get through panel without their recommendation. And like it or not they hold the cards. Leaving things a few months is probably in your best interests. You will be able to show that your DH has grieved appropriately, that you have come to terms and are ready to move on. That you have done more research etc. FIM is right about learning SW speak. Sometimes you just have to give them what they want to get what you want. I'm not one for public displays of grief either but to be honest a few well timed tears did wonders in repairing my relationship with my SW.Whether or not you change agency I think depends on whether you can feel you can build bridges with the existing one. You could approach other agencies but you would have to be totally honest as to why you want to switch and they will ask your original agency for their views. You would also be starting again from scratch. I changed agency after a humdinger of a fall out with my SW when it became clear she was really anti single adopters. It was hard, cost me a lot of time but worth it for me as I felt that the LA would never really support me.Good luck, you have had a tough few months and a bit of a break until the new year wont do you any harm in the long run. Take stock of where you are and where you need to get to and if you still want to adopt - go for it
I would contact AUK but be prepared to go elseware When i started the process i provided ALL the infomation to my social worker in a hand pack it was numbered and had a contents page ffs Because we were foster carers we new what paper work would be needed Amd yet still we were asked for serval bits of paper work which was given to her in the HANDY pack including yesturday the chronology I do think you should either should of been honest form the get go of kept quiet until after you had been approved Also just like another poster said there is special way to talk to sw and if your not used to it, it can be hard
I totally agree with Serrakunda, could have written the post myselI more or less sailed through home study and panel, then later on they finally received a reference from a former employer who told them I had been the subject of a grievance in which I was totally cleared (it was proved to be vindictiveness on the part of a manager and was completely dropped). My SW was appalled that I had kept this from her but I hadn't even thought about it, it hasn't cropped up, it was 12 years ago, I haven't worked for them for 9 years and I was completely cleared! She also played the trust card - if you didn't tell me this, what else didn't you say. All after panel!!To be air, without meaning to sound patronizing, I would be surprised if any agency would take you on right now with such a recent bereavement. I know we all say it all the time but it doesn't quite sink in until its happening - this is one of the most emotionally draining, head battering experiences anyone can go through. Tell the agency you appreciate what they are saying and will take time out to grieve. Perhaps ask them if they can recommend things you can be reading/ doing or courses you could go on to prepare yourselves for next year. In other words, play the game they expect you to play.Don't give up! Your LO is out there waiting for you xx
Agree with points Kstar is making; as far as SW's are concerned - who really don't know you as well as you know each other - they would see it as a negative if DH isn't 'seen' to be grieving, how him/his mum are supporting one another - they may have only asked about how his mum was dealing with it, but maybe they were also looking to see how they were supporting one another as a family...?....maybe they're thinking how would he display to LO that emotions are healthy, that it's ok to show emotions, ok to grieve.......especially if they're also referring you to AUK boards indicate they aren't 'convinced' you know/understand the trauma and loss LO's go through...I'm sure that's not true and you do understand - but you do need to 'play the game' and over-egg it, to persuade them you know...I'd do as suggested - write back saying you've discussed it in length; you both think it is a good idea to 'regroup' especially as you've been in 'the process' for so long, DH is considering bereavement counselling, you're making contact with adopters to fully understand effects etc, get a list of all the books you've read/are reading - really sell yourselves, that you are taking on board ALL their points (whether you agree or not at this stage)...you have to show you are able to work with them....Keep us posted....and keep posting x
Thank you to you all for taking the time to read and reply to my post, I feel quite overwhelmed already with the amount of support, advice and empathy I have got already !! I am going to take on board what you have all said and start learning and talking social work talk !! Taliesin I know the LA had their reasons as to why they need him to show emotion and what you have said is more or less exactly what they said, " they don't think he could cope with a child's emotional needs " just because he doesn't show emotion in front of them ?? The contradicted themselves that day so many times, they said that my husband was a man of few words in which he is but he's a very intelligent man and when he does speak it's not just for the sake of it and our Sw actually said after our home studies that my husband spoke more than me ?? I think what the first 2 posters said is very true (sorry I don't remember everyone's names ) they feel that we have deceived them and tgey feel that we have let them down and this is obv a big deal so we have to basically join AUK to speak to people like yourselves who can give us a fountain of knowledge in this subject and share your experiences in which I am loving hearing already, so it def is a good thing they are putting us if until January, I'm glad of the break tbh but it just feels so long, it will be four years in feb coming and after reading through this today I felt I had to post something as all I was reading was about how everyone was waiting months in panel and how it should only take 18 months to 2 years !! I felt totally frustrated until all of you replied to my post, so again thank you all so much and I know my husband and I will get the strength to carry in and hopefully I can share my sucess stories with all of youThank you all so much xoxo
Very sad but they do like a put pouring of emotions Which most men DONT do its almost like sw have never meet any men before Like others have said best withdraw the go else were and start a fresh next year so oh can seen to be grieving to there liking i would however go to a VA and not to a LA they seem to be less highly strung
Hi EmmerdaleI think you've got good advice. The home study is a steep learning curve in so many ways. I think it is good in a way as it really tests how committed you are to adopting.Though not ideal, if you do as they ask and take a break until next year, perhaps you can then say it had been a difficult time, you've had time to grieve, you are still very much on board and sorry you handled it badly. That is what they want you to say and what they want to hear. And to be honest, it would probably be the wisest thing anyway.Having just lost my mum I know how devastating a time it can be. The frustration with these delays can eat away at you. Can you reprogramme yourselves to wait. Perhaps do lots of prep, read, meet up with adopters? That will all go a long way towards helping you and showing the LA you are taking them seriously.These boards are a good place to come and share as many people have gone through the same things.
My Dad died a couple of weeks before we went to Panel. Our SW cancelled the panel and we were told we would have to wait 6 months, as we were dealing with the death of a close family member. This was deeply frustrating, as there had been many other delays along the way, and I felt that I was dealing really well with his death. However, we found that there was no scope for discussion. It was a rule. Through the process we have discovered that it is best not to complain - social workers are increadibly sensitive to criticism and close ranks. For your next step.... follow your SWs advice. When you meet again, do your best to (re)build a positive relationship with your social worker. Do what they tell you. Find things to complement them about. It sounds deeply manipulative but having a good relationship with your social worker is crucial. Find somewhere to vent (here?) - as bottling up your feelings is really frustrating!
Thank you all for sharing your stories and your advice I'm taking it all in and I know I will find it useful, I'm just loving the message boards and reading everyone's stories, I will def be back for moreThank you everyone who took the time to read and reply xoxo
Just wanted to add another thought about 'rules' about grieving & waiting.........I lost a very close relative under very distressing circumstances at the start of our process (just after applying & waiting for prep dates)...I dealt with it very well; I'm very pragmatic; it wasn't wholly unexpected; I grieved 'appropriately' (whatever that means!!)....BUT....I think the whole point of SW asking us to take time out to grieve, is because however well we deal with it at the time, however 'expected' it was because of age or terminal illness....it's sometimes during the process of home study, or when under pressure with initial placement, or trying to deal with vulnerable LO's losses/trauma, that our own sub-conscious feelings come out....Obviously not the same for everyone, but it does make sense to me to 'wait' and give ourselves time to deal with a death....I appreciate for some of us it's quicker, we feel ready, don't need so long ...& sometimes it's when we least expect it & can be months/years later - we can't plan for that but we can try to at least give ourselves time & get us in best emotional position, so we are strong enough for the LO's....after all, that's what's most important rather than us 'hurrying' up to get through process....& I say that as someone who it's taken several years to get to pre-placement !Just some thoughts whilst I was mulling over my own frustrations....
Hi Emmerdale, I too have just read your post and I'm so sorry for you and your husband. It really must be so disheartening. To me you've done nothing wrong and this all seems to be a 'personal' opinion on their part not a professional one. If I were you I would appeal. There are procedures our agency told us about should we be unhappy with things. So if I were in your situation, I wouldn't want to start again after such a long time, but appeal the decision, write a long letter to an independent board explaining everything and how unfairly you both feel you have been treated and take it from there?
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