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Just looked in again after a very long break. Surprised and delighted to see some old names back here!! Lovely to hear all your news.

I have been on the alternative free forums site more recently but notice my phone has now lost that link and I have no idea what it was.......

Doing ok with our two here. Dd1 now 19 and NEET - though was doing well at voluntary work prior to lockdown. But she is showing many signs of maturity - better peer relationships, more helpful, learning to drive etc, and even though she is seeing her birth family regularly, is still happy to be living with us (and we with her!)

Dd2 now 15 has definitely turned into a proper teenager since lockdown! The downside is we have struggled to keep her learning while off school - gets very anxious and defiant because of it but on the good side, she is no longer clingy with us and has developed / maintained a good social circle with some lovely girls. She couldn't manage the odd days her school provided in July but has since been to a 3 day summer school and seems chilled about going back to school proper next week (year 11).

DH and I are gradually finding more time we can spend together without needing to provide any parenting ...yay!

Hi Milly! Lovely to hear your news ?

Hi everyone

It's taken me about a year (!) to work out how to get a new username etc to work but I wanted very much to echo what Furcifer says at the top of this thread - we are now 8 years in and I learned so much from so many of you on here (to the extent I didn't actually need to post very often at all). Thank you to you all for that.

I now have a 12 year old AS and 9 year old AD and life is generally good, although child to parent violence and general issues with dysregulation still problematic from time to time. We seem to be getting a bit better at coping with them though.

I would, like others, love these boards to become a bit busier again (and am very happy to post more if that helps that happen).

Best wishes to everyone wherever you are on your journeys. ?

Hi Donatella, apologies for the tardiness in responding to your really fantastic advice, plus that of Tokoloshe. Hi to Milly; it’s a lovely blast from the past to see your name, and even better to read your positive updates.

My time has been consumed with DD2 starting in reception class, mind you, she is a total breeze compared to DD1. She started on Tuesday and by Thursday was shooing me out of the socially distanced playground, safely informing me that she was a big girl now and she didn’t need me hanging around. She is four going on 14 (but without the toxic hormones and teenage angst). I’ve been joking all summer that I wasn’t worried for her starting school but I was worried for the other kids as she is a feisty force of nature who is a born extrovert and has a strong sense of self as well as a highly developed sense of fairness and justice.

On the other hand, DD1, very nearly 13, had her Year 8 induction day on Thursday and I was a nervous wreck all day, anxiously checking my phone for messages and missed calls (even before the pandemic, students are encouraged to take smartphones into school as they use them regularly in lessons).

Despite an extended honeymoon period during lockdown learning (when will I ever remove my rose-tinted spectacles?), distance learning was an absolute slog by the summer holidays. DD1 is very able but is a terrible self-sabotager, so she would complete her work and fail to submit it correctly using the Google Classroom protocols or she would, on more than one occasion, sit at her laptop and (very convincingly) pretend to be working, all while I was literally sitting a few feet away.

The 17 weeks of home schooling took over our lives and I began to feel like an unhappy jailer. Life was dominated by Google Classroom and the daily updates, which were the only honest and true accounts of what had actually been completed and submitted. I think I have written before that DD1 is a very skilled gas-lighter, so much so that I often feel I’m living in a Hitchcock movie where only I can see and know the truth but my sense of self and sanity is slowly being eroded by my daughter’s Machiavellian lies and manipulative behaviours.

We limped through to the end of term, and in the end, DD1 managed to complete most of the work expected of her - after several late-night and all-weekend panicked catch-up sessions.

She was assigned some Maths homework to do over the 7-week school holidays and I was reassured that this had been finished - and checked by Grandma (she’s better than me at Maths!), plus submitted correctly. All well and good and Year 8 is off to a great start. Until I open my Google Classroom update email yesterday highlighting that the work had been missed/not submitted.

I have honestly never been so angry in my life and DD1 did not spend the night here (don’t worry, she’s safe at my parents) and I cannot face her coming home again. I think I had what I can only describe as a panic attack because I was hyperventilating, unable to breathe and felt like I was going to die. (I actually felt like I wanted to die to be rid of all the misery and volatility and lies and gaslighting and stealing of the past few years). Lockdown has been incredibly difficult as a totally lone parent with aged and shielding parents, plus a big age difference between my two (8 years), and no nursery and school and all confined in a small house.

I have to spoon feed DD1 in everything she does ( she’s registered blind and unable to do simple things like tie shoe laces or fasten buttons or manage basic personal hygiene. I honestly cannot face another school year of micro-managing her school and homework while she lies and gaslights me so comprehensively. I am exhausted and broken.

Furcifer, I don't really know what to say, it all sounds so very hard.

Forgive me if it sounds harsh, but does she use her visual impairment as a excuse not to do certain things ? Are there some small thingd you can do - Simba can't tie shoelaces either, I gave up on that years ago, he gets slip ons, velcro or those elastic laces which you just pull the toggle, same with clothes, get stuff without buttons. I know in the grand scheme of things these are small things but if you can reduce some areas of conflict it might help.

Would she qualify for any assistance to teach her life skills? I'd also leave the homework, she sounds capable enough, maybe let her get on with it for a bit and take the consequences.

big hugs xxx

Thanks, Serrakunda, I just needed a vent, I think; better out than in, as they say! Yes, it is all very hard in ‘normal’ day-to-day life, but I think the effects of hard lockdown on my mental health and well-being are only just starting to become apparent; in my subconscious I clearly knew I had to hold things together for all of us because there literally was no help or support or other option and now that the children are starting/returning to school, I feel like I’m falling apart. And I am bone weary.

To be honest, the intensity of my anger at yet another episode of ‘pretend’ homework shocked me; it was so visceral and I can only describe myself as feeling like a cornered rat who would know off their own leg to escape a trap (apologies for that analogy if you’re eating your breakfast!). I simply felt I couldn’t endure it any more.

In answer to your question, the extreme sight loss was very sudden and unexpected and all of the help my DD1 receives in school is centred on this (to be fair, it is the type of ‘label’ that people struggle to ‘see’ past and does elicit a great deal of sympathy and empathy. However - and reading Donatella’s posts - has confirmed for me my long-held beliefs that there are other things going on, as well as the visual impairment. I’m even beginning to wonder about ASD/PDA? Of course, add to the mix that DD1 has recently started her periods so the hormones are evil!

DD1 has stayed at her grandparents’ house all weekend so I’ve had calm times with DD2, watching the new Mulan movie and spending far too many hours for my liking hanging out in the park. (Is it really bad not to feel bothered that I’ve not communicated with DD1 since Friday afternoon, and actually just to be enjoying some peace and quiet and the equilibrium of feeling calm again after such a maelstrom of intense anger?)

Ah Furcifer. When my daughter started her periods she suffered with mood swings. It was difficult to get a handle on it initially as her periods were irregular so we weren’t able to link the moods with pmt. We had two separate incidents in school - one where she became so dissociated in a lesson (anxiety) that school called an ambulance. We got there to take her but she was in a wheelchair - unable to walk, to talk ... completely shut down. A scary freeze response. Paed diagnosed panic attack. Then on another occasion she became so dysregulated - same subject lesson - that she attempted to stab her TA in the eye with a broken pen. A few days later her period started.

Apparently in girls on the spectrum PMT can be worse ... after that we saw the GP and she was put on the pill. It’s made a huge difference in evening out her moods. Plus she has some certainty when she’ll have her period. We put other things in place as well - anxiety scale in school, her then lifestory therapist did some work with her on recognising and understanding her anxiety which also helped.

But we’re only human too and sometimes my kids do absolutely get right on my last remaining nerve. No-one can be therapeutic all the time. I’m a swearer and a door slammer ... and unapologetic about it!

And the homework ... that’s more my son who morphs from can’t do so I won’t do very quickly. He’s just moved into mainstream to do his As - he has his own TA whom he chose and i had it expressly written into his amended statement that TA/school had to communicate with me, that we have to work together to support him. So far, so good. He sees school as the place for education and home as fun, chilled, no work place so for now - despite only having 12 hours of formal lessons, he has 25 hours 1-1 and has to stay in school for homework etc. Sure he will start to question it but as school is a little too far for him to walk and he doesn’t do public transport he has little choice as I’m not offering to pick up willy nilly!

A massive HI from me too. You don't know how relieved I am that some of you are still here. I've been reading through this thread with interest and am glad to hear you all doing so well....

Oops, I'm on my phone so hit post prematurely...

My two daughters are now 12 (going on 17) and 8 (going on 5).

Eldest is I think pretty straightforward for an adopted kid in adolescence. In mainstream, doing well, has friends and hobbies, has shouty mood swings and anxiety but generally flourishing, which is wonderful to see.

Youngest however is one of those complicated kids who needs a diagnosis or several and I'm tired just looking at the referral letters.

She's always been delayed. Language devel at age 5, dyslexic, poor working memory...currently on ASD pathway and I personally think she fits the bill for PDA but I have no idea whether local ASD team even recognise that profile. Investigating ADHD (non hyperactive type). ASD team have referred us to CAMHS and adoption support so I'm steeling myself for various patronising parenting courses to be suggested.

Hopefully the agencies will work together- school are great and I'm now a governor so nowhere to hide there.... but yeah....very interested to hear how others have navigated through to.illuminating and supportive diagnoses. Being cynical, I can imagine her falling between stools. Tiring isn't it?

Having an older sister who is doing so well does help with my resilience a bit...but realistically her challenges are much greater than those of a kid who is intellectually in the average range...

I'll shut up as this sounds a bit negative. She's also gorgeous....and we've survived lockdown!

Wow, Donatella, I need some of your cojones and some of your savvy regarding negotiating with your local authority! They must all flinch and draw straws when they see your incoming calls/emails!

Seriously, AUK, please get Donatella signed up for webinars etc on how to fight/fight back/fight dirty to ensure that our children receive what they’re entitled to and stand a fighting chance of taking their rightful place in society!

? I suspect it helped that a) he’s an exceptionally talented artist and the school’s head of art has volunteered to be his mentor and b) it’s rare for a child to make the move from SEN education back to mainstream so I was pushing at an open door. It was quite a lengthy statement review and it did take months for all the right inclusions. It might also have helped that I mentioned I’d just completed an SEN law seminar ??!

If you’re interested - anyone really - there’s someone called Michael Charles on Facebook. He’s a partner in a law firm - Sinclairs - and his specialism is Education. He knows his stuff.

Also Sunshine Support run some interesting webinars.

And another to follow regarding PDA is a young man called Harry Thompson. He has PDA and listening to him and reading is stuff is quite illuminating! Helps to understand it from the POV of someone with PDA. Very articulate.

Hi everyone, it's been a few years (okay quite a few years!) since I posted on here but I recognised a few names and couldn't resist – so just wanted to say hello to everyone. Good to see support is still happening on here, but like others I really miss those early days when I was first on here and there were so many more posts and messages. My lad is now the ripe old age of 26 and has made me a proud grandmother of 2 ?. I keep thinking that I've worked all this out, and something happens and I realise that I haven't…!

BL

Hi Birdlady

Lovely to see your post, I remember you from the "old days" and wondered how things had gone. My children also mid-twenties now - settling down a bit, but yes stuff happens from time to time still. Congratulations on being a grandmother!

Just looked in again - back at work (school) so have been mega busy. Lovely to see more "old" names. Let's keep this up.

Furcifer - your feelings re your dd1 remind me of how mad I used to get over my dd1's stealing - it went on for years - just money and items from round the house and low cost items from shops, and her lies that I fell for over and over even though I knew she couldn't be trusted - she was so plausible. I had to emotionally step away from it after a while and let it slide over me. With the stealing I just deducted money from her pocket money - she didnt care then so I didn't necessarily tell her, but it made me feel better! She's got her karma now as dd2 pinches snacks she has bought sometimes - not that I condone dd2, but when dd1 gets incensed, I remind her it's what she used to do!

Dd2 was 100% fine re school for the first week back, to our relief, but last Sunday had a complete meltdown (which ends up with threats to her life, which we don't really believe but have to be wary of) - seems it was the prospect of a careers interview that freaked her out. Therapist suggested fear of growing up and fear of transition - she's year 11 and school don't have a sixth form so she has to move at the end of this year. Cue 3 days of apparent depression, lethargy and refusal to do anything, much less go to school. On day 4 I went to work late and together DH and Icoaxed her into school (I had to dress her like you would a toddler) where it was a half day and head of year had said she could work in the library instead of going to lessons.

By the end of the day she had reverted to her normal self and cheerfully went to school yesterday - has even done (claims to have done) some homework! Life remains unpredictable in spite of many positives but at least these only relate to dd2 at the moment so that's progress. ?

It's great to be back here and lovely to see some familiar names :-) I hope I did the name thing right so will have to check back after I've posted this!

DD is now 15, I've been her mum 13 years now and 'official' via step parent adoption for about 7. The kindness and wisdom on these boards saved our sanity about 10 years ago, when there was ZERO formal support for our situation and we were in dire need of it. I'm so grateful for all that support I'm actually welling up thinking of it as I type ❤️

I'm a bit sad / worried to read there have been lots of changes and lots of people have disappeared - I wanted to review some of the old threads and saw they'd been archived too.

I'm back partly because we're facing some new challenges and you guys are the only place I trust to really 'get us' and what might be going on. But that's for another thread. I am going to have a cuppa and read properly through everyone's comments, sending love out there to you all, thank you for being here xx

Furcifer I'm wondering how things are now. I wonder whether it's a combination of feeling utterly impotent to change anything and the crushing predictability of it all that's so frustrating, magnified by the enormous pressure we're all under nowadays. I get these plus a sense of outrage and actually hurt - that my DD could break our trust that way.. I feel like it when DD tells me YET AGAIN that she doesn't have any homework, but it turns out as we turn the lights out she has, and I find out bcs she's setting her alarm for 5am in order to do it - or when she is half an hour later home than we agreed, plus her battery has run out or she doesn't pick up her [hone which happens almost *every time*

Did you look into ASD/ ADHD/PDA? Maybe that would help you reframe it even if just for your own sanity?! But also to help her develop coping strategies.. Hugs anyway x

Hi Lorax, good to see you back - can't believe your dd is 15..... Have you also found the potato group where there is still the same wisdom and expertise from adopters of 10+ years ago?

Hi Lorax, good to see another old name.

15! they are all growing up too fast

Hi Lorax. Good to hear from you - I remember your posts from years back.

News here is DD1 has a job!! 3 mornings in a pharmacy. Last week was her first- just so relieved she has a job in an "essential" shop, otherwise she would have been unable to start with the lockdown. She has virtually no qualifications- failed all GCSEs and only "passed" 2 college courses, neither of which really interested her. Eventually passed her English the third time. (She has ADHD and has always been unmotivated, plus panicked in exams - though theoretically she should have done much better). She did do work experience in a charity shop and my school prior to lockdown; otherwise there's not much to put on a CV.

She can be very organised and positive sometimes, and is good with people when she feels upbeat, but is also very prone to mood swings. So I worry about how she comes across to her employers.

Has made a new friend via the internet, and they've been very close. The friend found the job ad and persuaded DD to go for it. She was pleased to get it but has plans to rent a flat next year with the friend, and has already complained she won't earn enough from the job...duh...... I am working on making sure she understands that she must stick with it to get some experience to her name. Also they can offer more hours from Jan if she does. Fingers crossed!

She will be 20 next week ?.

Lovely to see many names I recognise - I am Gilreth everywhere else (long story as to why it had to change here). We are 7 years in now with a 9 year old in year 5. He is behind in some areas (4) but that is down to not learning for a year (after we moved) so we are pleased he improved from year 3 (mainly behind) to year 4. Also thankful that he was in school throughout. His school offered spaces to all their adopted children as 'vulnerable' children and we had holiday camp thanks to mu husband being a key worker. We now have medication for ADHD having given up on the 3 year fight with CAMHS (just getting an appointment) and paid privately - last week our GP agreed to fund the ongoing prescription. I have blessed a flexible job and our move has meant I am never more than 20 minutes walk from Sqk wherever he is as we live that close to my work.