Yes, I would have done a lot differently too! Especially with Oyster - I got things wrong with Shrimp but have had time to put them right, but had so little time with Oyster...
I learnt so much from this forum, before the first of all the carp changes that drove a lot of people away. And then in more recent years became quite involved in various trans-racial adoption groups in South Africa (where we were living) as that has become more of an issue to navigate than trauma for us.
But we moved back to the UK at the end of 2019, just in time to lockdown here ? so Shrimp has been out of school all year. Hopefully will have a place finalised this week. Then the hell of school starts ? hoping for a more aware and supportive approach here, in SA it is still very much about children having to conform - teachers consider having to differentiate their teaching as an unreasonable demand, for example. They arranged an assessment on the grounds Shrimp shouldn't be in mainstream school, and after a team of ed psych, specialist teacher and ed SW observed Shrimp in class they provided feedback to the teacher of how to improve her teaching :D as said that Shrimp is nowhere near needing specialist schooling. The school took the opportunity to make various allegations of neglect against me, forgetting that they had provided a routine report to Shrimp's SW a couple of months before, and not recorded any concerns...
So although she needs the interaction and education, I am slightly dreading it. Trying to be positive to her, of course. And some adoptive parent friends here have had great experiences. Others not so much...
I think it is true to say that the most stressful part of parenting both of the girls has been dealing with the supposed 'professionals', because they have been completely out of their depth - in Oyster's case she was wonderfully plausible about getting them on board against me, in Shrimp's case because they put her acting out down to poor parenting (reward chart anyone? parenting skills classes that are not trauma informed?).
I had to have stern words with myself when I saw an advert for foster carers in our LA and found myself thinking "Hmmm, I wonder...", so we are getting a dog instead ?