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I think mine has been successful - my DD is 18 - alive, not pregnant, no criminal record, is living with her boyfriend - and most important to me personally, close emotionally to me and very loving. She has mental health problems, - which significantly affect her whole life - but they are somehow managing in their own way - and love each other.

Meant to say look like

I guess that mine is successful in that I have one sixteen and one seventeen year old. Neither drinks, does drugs, has had any boyfriend issues. They are both members of the local youth parliament and still in education. The thing is, they are delightful individually. They can be great together, but so much depends on how my elder daughter is feeling. When they are together e.g. on a family holiday, it is very difficult for me because my older daughter is just nasty the whole time, due to her feelings of rage towards her younger sister. We have had therapy over the years, both as a family and for her individually, and it has not made a blind bit of difference. Oh, and they both have learning difficulties and both attended special needs schools. One has a serious medical condition. The special needs/medical condition are partly why they are still doing relatively okay, I think. It has kept them out of the way of trouble from peer groups etc. Getting a taxi to and from school is great for that! So, yes, it looks 'successful' from the outside but I had to give up work to get us to this point and we have suffered significantly from a financial perspective as a result. So I personally think that you can't have a black and white answer to this question.

Currently it's good, but similarly to FK, both are at SEN school, which although not perfect, is avoiding drink/drugs/shoplifting/staying out late etc. College may well be a different kettle of fish, - so I don't think i'm willing to speculate as to whether I think ours is successful until both are in their 20s (currently 13 and 14). I'm lucky in that i work very flexibly, part time, and haven't ever needed to use childcare (this wouldn't have worked. I think we probably look successful from an adoption standpoint, but my life is poles apart from my friends with bc, and i think we are making masses of sacrifices.

so much depends on your definition of success, doesn't it? We are ten years post-placement, still together in all respects, older DD is still in mainstream education, and we have been blessed with the addition of DD's little sister, who is an absolute delight. That sounds successful, doesn't it? And it IS successful - during every one of those ten years we have been able to sow positive things into this vulnerable young life, and in many ways she has blossomed. There are many good memories, and all our lives have been enriched in many ways by the addition of these two girls to our family. But then there is the other side of the coin... the anger, the frustration, the stress, the abusive behaviour, the strain on our marriage and our birth kids, the fight to get DDs very real needs recognised, and the sadness of seeing her difficulties escalate and her friendships fall apart. And the very real concern about what the future holds. She's only 11, and we still have the bulk of adolescence and the teenage years ahead... Sometimes I think if we manage to get to the end of next week with our sanity intact, that's what success looks like... In reality, if at 25 or so she's still in touch with us, is able to live in safety and independence, and maintain some kind of healthy relationship - that's what I would definitively call an adoption success So ask me again in 14 years time!!!

Does it also depend when you ask the question? Now I would say we are successful, a year in and seven months post AO with a loving, energetic toddler who seems to have a good bond with us and no major issues. But he is at higher risk for things like ADHD, LDs, ASD due to his background so when he goes to school if issues arise will that put a strain on our relationship or the how successful the adoption is? What about the teen years- what if he rebels, rejects us, wants to live with bf? That might feel less "successful". Totally different but ask my mum if she thought we had a successful/happy family life when I was a hormone fuelled rage machine compared to precocious but obedient five year old or a settled 19 year old. I wonder if there are certain pressure points for adopters- you almost want a study that asks that question at various stages of an adoptive family's life.

I think we're successful- so far - we are 8 years in with an 8 and 3 year old. The are both delightful, but our ad is incredibly needy. She came to us as an easy to place 5 month old baby. She now has a diagnosis of adhd, dyspraxia, anxiety and mild specific learning difficulties. I wouldn't change her for the world, but parenting her is challenging- enjoyable (most of the time!), but challenging. I do also really worry about what the future holds- I think she will be pretty vulnerable the older she gets, and that concerns me. But I'm trying to live for the present (I've read Bryan post) and not be fearful of what's round the corner, as we will never know. But I am expecting greater challenges... I would absolutely do it again- so that's success I think

I think it depends on why you are asking the question and from whose viewpoint you are looking. If you look at the number of placements that breakdown from matching to adulthood the statistics are likely to be depressing. The reasons will be less clear - were adopters and children well matched? Did they get enough information? Did they get enough support? I adopted a child who had had a previous match fall through. She had severe behavioural problems, no empathy and no attachment to foster carers. I was naive (despite all the training) and desperate to be a mum. It has been tough but I can honestly say I was well informed and have been well supported by PA and CAMHS. I'm fortunate in that she has thrived and has made amazing progress, I know it could have been very different. From a child's perspective I think they deserve a chance, even if it doesn't work out. My LO had great foster carers but she needed the security of adoption. Adoption is a huge risk and potential adopters will tend to approach it with rose tinted glasses. There needs to be much more support where adoptions don't work.

Question 5 is interesting, adoption - successful, in that he's still here, had just about avoided the criminal justice system, went to school prom, sat GCSEs in mainstream school, has a place at college and is excelling at his chosen sport Me - poor physical and mental health, no job, now have a Not For Better or Worse, instead of a husband, as we go through separation, heading for divorce, NFB/W is now quibbling over the cost of groceries and DWP lost the tribunal for PIP, but still haven't processed the paperwork and probably won't for another few weeks, so no PIP or Carer's money since April. We may be seen as a successful adoption, but the personal cost has been much higher than I ever expected.

He's still alive and currently out of prison, though he has been inside and is due to go to court for robbery on Friday. Does that count as a 'success'? But if success is getting an education, being able to form relationships, being able to function in society then it is not a success. If success is a happy, healthy mother, then absolutely not a success. If success is the child not being a drug addict living on the streets, then no it is a failure. If amidst the years of chaos and abuse getting to hear him say to me 'you're amazing mum' counts as success, then we have got there.

Alive?

It can be a rollercoaster of a ride. It may depend when you make the assessment. When she was 14 it seemed hopeless. She had recovered memories of sexual abuse at a very young age. No help from CAMHS. (Yet again). At 14 she became an alcoholic like her birth parents. She was excluded from school. She abused solvents, lighter fuel being her favourite. I feared she would die or accidentally burn the house down. At 29 she is lovely, works as a carer in a nursing home, we have a close relationship. She is still vulnerable and she suffers from eating disorders. I am proud of her. At 14 he went into care after he menaced me with a lighter. When he was about 18 he asked me to take him back. I decided not to after he used me (without my knowledge) to drive the getaway car after he committed a robbery. (I kid you not. I thought I was the victim of a road rage incident after the car was chased, the poor old dog being in the back). He's 30 now, unfortunately with a wife with more problems than him. Although they have one child at home, others are in care or adopted. He is by far the better parent. We have a good relationship. He has not been in trouble with the law for years. This is in contrast to his birth father who spent most of his adult life in prison. By the age of 7, when my son moved to live with me, he too was heading for a life of crime. What I do know is that, if he had not come to live with me, his life would have been worse. Lily

I dont see adoption that way. For me, adoption is the legal process that made my kids mine. Some surveys i have seen class an adoption as successful if it doesnt disrupt ( ie the child stays with you till the adoption is approved by courts and the child becomes legally yours. As far as i know it is extremely rare for an adoption, omce legal, to be reversed later, but if so then i would classify that as a failed adoption. It is a legal thing, not about the relationship you have with your kids. Just like if you have a birth child they are always legally yours no matter what your relationship with them is like. Just like birth parents i want my kids to be successful in life and am sad when they dont make good choices. Even a kid in S20 or who rejects you completely is still your child ( legally) whatever they think and however the authorities treat you. Recently the media have featured problem teenagers whose birth parents couldnt cope wih having them at home. But nobody suggests they are not their kids, even if they have to leave home. I think with all children that its a sliding scale of " how thigs went" and would those childrens lives have been better or worse has they not been adopted . Like schools in diffirent areas, success is different depending on where you are starting from. My eldest has dyspraxia, learning to tie his shoelaces was a big success for him. For what it is worth, my eldest would be seen as a succesful adoption, he has thrived here and is making good choices, and now has passed scottish equivelant of gcse's Youngest has made massive strides forward and is in best school for him, hoping it will help him gets through teens without going off the rails. Even if he ends up in prison and hates me he is still my child so it will still be a successful adoption, though i will be gutted.. Thats just how i view it, i am sure others will disagree

My child has a family how love her and can keep her safe that is success So is the adoption a success and are you a successful parent are two different questions People keep saying on here my child is not in prison not pregnant ect so success I think it's more about who will they call if they are in trouble young people take risks some pay off some don't and some have dire consciences it's about the relationship you have with your child and what they learn from mistakes made NOT the fact they made them that determine pass or fail So have we a successful adoption yes are we successful as parents that is not my question to answer I will get that answered from my children when their older I am sure my husbands mother would say she was a successful parent he's achieved a lot academically ,married ect truth is he says she was a awful mother made a right hAsh of things

I love my daughter more than anything and my relationship with her is the most meaningful I have ever had in my life. She is happy and loves us back. I treasure every moment of her childhood. We aren't new adopters, but she isn't an adult yet. Perhaps she will have a difficult time when she hits her late teens and go off the rails, but I will still consider the adoption a success. Regardless of anything that happens in the future it has given me the best years of my life.

I'm not sure I think in terms of success or failure. Put simply I desperately wanted to be a mother and adoption gave me that. Before I adopted it felt like there was a big chunk missing from my life and ever since the day I met my first child that feeling has been absent from my life. Adoption is, I'm sure, much more challenging than having my own birth kids would have been but I love my children and they love me (and DH), I don't doubt that, although their feelings can be ambivalent and sometimes downright hostile. But overall, despite the blips, we have a reasonably happy family life. I'm not going to wait until they're grown up to assess things - if it all goes pear-shaped I'd still be grateful for what I have had. Mine were very young when placed - I think that makes a difference though I know it doesn't mitigate against problems. Having them from a time when they were massively dependent on me physically as well as emotionally builds a strong bond, or it has for us. I even found it harder to bond with a more independent just two year old than a baby of 12 months so for me age at placement is a factor. Although to be fair, the one harder to bond with still has a very angry way of responding at times even now and is less easy to soothe and comfort - whether that's down to age at placement, prior experiences, attachment style or personality, is hard to say.

When I said that I think my adoption story would be judged a success because the girls are not pregnant, doing drugs etc I said so because that's what I think the powers that be look for. The research project undertaken by Julie Selwyn, which is often quoted regarding adoption breakdowns etc, puts adoptions into categories of no problems, some problems, major problems. It is only the latter group which is regarded as a problem, really - and my two wouldn't fit into that category because they don't have major behaviour problems like stealing, taking drugs, being violent etc. I agree that it's not possible for adoption to be so black and white. And even the Julie Selwyn research relies on people's attitudes to the adoption to some extent. Some people would not be able to cope with my situation and may have disrupted long ago, for example, while I coped and think we are doing okay. But are we okay? Who is deciding what is okay? A completely objective look at my family situation my decide that things are not okay at all in the bigger scheme of things. It's all very complicated.

At the moment I think we have a fairly 'normal' family life. We're able to do lots of family stuff, albeit with lots of preparation, routine and adaptations. We just spent a very hectic few days in London - a few years ago middly wouldn't have coped, now we know what he needs and he can. We might have anxiety and some fall out but we manage it. Right now anxiety re school is starting to kick in but we've had years of practice and now expect it and adapt routines and life to accommodate. Of course I know that our norm may not be someone else's normal - just starting DLA renewal so that reinforces the point! I don't look at us as successful or not. We've weathered some storms and I'm sure there will be more to come but we're together, the kids are mostly happy, we still have trauma, anxiety, unlovely behaviours from all three - but we're a family and all still live in the same house some years in.

Laughing as I read the above, while asking Dd to stop squeaking, squawking and wailing! Pretty normal yes?