Archived Forums

Yes I agree with you 100%. When I adopted my DD's nearly 11 years ago I told them their surnames etc but this was before Facebook, and if I was adopting now I would not tell them their surname for that very reason. They can find this out when they are 18, (which I personally think is too young), so if you can keep them safe and away from Fbook inappropriate contact until at least 18 then I think you are doing them a favour IMO.The problem with Fbook is it is just too easy to type in a name and Bingo there they are! What 11,12,13,14 year old could resist, I know I wouldn't have if I could have at that age. Then just send a quick message to see if they reply and "Yikes they did" - "What do I do now? - Oh no,now they have my name and details and I was just looking" - Aaaarrrggghh Mum!!!! Too late the damage is done! That's the problem it is all too instant with no thought for the consequences. I am all for my DD's having contact when they are old enough to handle it in a mature way, but I think it should be done through a third party, taken slowly, and counselling should be offered on both sides for it to work properly, not just in an impulsive Fbook message.By the way I am adopted myself and I still think I would have hated to have been able to do this at a young age as my curiosity would have gotten the better of me before I would have been able to handle it.

Thanks JMK, was hoping you'd reply. Interested to hear your thoughts on it from both points of view, it's reassuring.Thank you x x

I suppose we've had little choiceAs our children were olderButI do think its their information but it needs to be sensitively shared.I wonder if explaining that you've thought a lot about this and so you want to keep them safe There is still one element of my children's history I am struggling to think I could ever tell them, tbh this incident is something I doubt anyone would want to knowBut I do think names and identity- hmm- I'm to sure I'd keep them secret but use it to educate them about their past and keeping safe.Perhaps ask SAACs for advice.My children haven't always been able to make good choicesThey are not good at keeping themselves safe in a judged way.But there's no mystique around who their bf are.Not sure that the draw of this is enticing to your children?Another thing to factor in

The thing I thought this thread was about was when ss black out the names in their filesIf at all possible and this is IMO worth the fight like little else

I have letterbox contact with my adopted niece & nephews. The guidelines for letter writing state that we must not include surnames even if the children already know them. So it makes sense to remove them from life story books.

I think it depends on the child - but you won't know how curious your child is until they're older... So maybe ering on the catious side is a good idea.My dd was 5, and so knew her full birth name anyway, so I never had that option.To be honest, if I did, I think I would have with-held the information from her. To be safe.

I think the "surname" is yet another thing that needs to be changed in the adoption reforms to at least give adoptive parents some say in when their children are told.We are the ones trusted to keep them secure but how can we do that if SS eveal their surnames in their documentation.Even now 10.5 years later, when DD's adoption allowance arrives, it is in their birth surname which is always like a slap in the face to me - almost a reminder that while SS pay the allowance, DD's aren't really mine. Really bugs me.

Whilst I 100% that surnames are the children's information, my personal view is that a need to keep them safe is much more important.There is no way a child won't give in to idle temptation and try to see if their BPs are on facebook - or whatever else is available when they are older as I am sure there will be more than just facebook in 10 yrs time.For now all surnames have been removed from my 2's life story work and this is how I plan to leave it until they are 18. However, not sure how I will feel when I have an angry teenager demanding to know the information when deep down I do feel they have a right to it Yes, and our AA comes through in birth name too. Doesn't everyone's? I never thought about getting it changed to adopted name, guess I could ask!

JMK I would ask for that to be changed. My children was addressed to me and inside it was their adopted named name even before AO was signed.This post made me realize that my children have never asked me for their birth families surname.They all arrived to young to know their first name. Even when ds1 said he was going to trace them. It was not a deliberate thing just something that has come up.Anyway now it would not be much use re bm as I know she married but do not have a clue what her married name is.

Thanks Madrid & Ham - I suppose I'm so used to it I've let it go, but it does still bug me everytime I see it. I might get it changed after my divorce comes though as I intend going back to my maiden name. Only problem is EDD is saying if I change my name, she wants to change hers too, so I don't know, might cause even more problems. Maybe it's best to leave things as they are.

Ive just re-written my son's life story book aswell. I had similar concerns. I decided to leave the names in but I took the address out that his SW had put in and also the picture of the street where the birth parents live. I will always have this information for him but would hate to think if we ever argued he could so easily find the address and go and knock on their door.I also removed some pictures the SW had put in. They hadn't managed to get pictures of the birth parents so had put pictures in of random strangers who were the same age! I found this really odd and thought this would just confuse him.My advice is do what you need to do to protect your child.

Do it, you are their mum and protection is all. They will ask when they want to know and you can assess risks then.

I had never considered doing this, but then my AS doesn't have a life story book, but I do know his family surname and have shared that with him. but again, he was adopted abroad and doesn't have the cognitive skills to go looking, plus he'd have to go looking in a different language to the one he speaks.so not an issues really for us.but i'd also not thought about it from my perspective as a foster carer (in terms of the longer term implications for the child). all the photo albums I make for my foster bubs always start on the front page, this photo album belongs to... and their full birth name and DOB. but then I don't know when they first come if they will be returned to their birth parents, and while they are with me they still have and use their birth names. but its food for thought for my next bubs, too late for squishiness now! but new parents can always black the names out themselves if they feel the need I suppose.

It's not about secrecy LOB, like in the old days, it's just about keeping our children safe from themselves until they are at least 18, so it probably would be helpful if FC left out the surnames in the life story books, otherwise paents will have to re-do them themselves. Facebook makes tracing BP's just too easy and too tempting to any 10,11,12 year old who has a row with his adoptive parents.One - "I'm going to look for my BP's" type in their first name and surname and bingo there they are. Way too easy these days and a recipe for disaster.I remember when I was in my 20's my Mum told me she knew my older brother and sisters surnames and when I asked her if she was going to tell them she said no. I was really annoyed as I felt they had a right to know and she was adamant that she wasn't telling them! I got straight on the phone and rang them and told them that she knew and if they wanted to find out they would have to get her to tell them. She told me in the same conversation that she didn't know mine or my younger brothers surnames and to this day I don't know if she is telling the truth or not. Back in those days adoptive parents were not usually told these things and she said she only knew my older siblings surnames as the Nun left the room and they read the names on the file upside down.I am all for honesty but only when the kids are old enough to deal with it as an adult, ie after 18 at the earliest.

i know its not about secrecy jml, just i hadn't considered the longer term security issues. and it would only need the fron page redoing in any book i make becoz the full name is only on the first page. easy enough to remove if felt necessary and replace.