Archived Forums

Mrs Mr posted this on the boards, but I thought I''d post it on here so it doesn''t get lost.10 Things Adoptive Parents Wish Their Family and Friends Understood1. The right vocabulary to useJust to get this straight from the start, I am my children''s “real” Mum. The people whose genes they share are their “birth family.” Clear? Good, because making up bedtime stories, clearing up vomit, tending to grazed knees, and remembering which one hates tomatoes, makes me just as much a parent as anyone else.Oh, and please drop the “adopted” when introducing us to others.They''re our children. Full stop.2. Our parenting style will most certainly be different to yoursYes I know you''d put your children in a time out on the naughty step and withhold a sticker from her reward chart, but if my daughter has misbehaved as a consequence of believing she''s had so many sets of parents in her short life because she''s inherently unlovable, making her feel bad isn''t going to help me change her mind.If you disagree, either keep it to yourself, or ask me to lend you a book on it.3. We often feel like outsiders when other Mums talk about pregnancy/childbirth I''m well aware that for you, your NCT coffee morning or church toddler group is a chance for you to share everything with others who have been there. Marvellous, but all our children are over 2 now. Get over the birth and the boobs and move on! I have nothing to contribute to a conversation on epidural s or breast pumps, and would much rather find out how to remove blackcurrant stains from my sofa.4. We may disappear sometimes, and it''s nothing personalEspecially for the first few months after the children move in. It''s mainly about “funnelling” (making sure that adoptive parents are the only ones to meet the child''s needs, to promote healthy attachment).It may also be sheer exhaustion as we try to cope with these hurting little people who have moved house once again and are trying to understand it all. Later it may still be that our children get overwhelmed with a situation (parties or visits to friends houses in particular) and we have to make a swift exit for the sake of everyone''s sanity. Please don''t be offended.5. Our children can''t always cope with playing with your childrenSometimes things that your family take for granted are all a bit new and overwhelming for adopted children. Large groups of people can be scary. Lots of choices or several things happening all at once can be hard to process. And a child who''s had a traumatic start in life will respond in ways that worked for them before – This might mean screaming, running away, becoming aggressive. They''re not just “being naughty”, so your help in trying to keep things low key and not too exciting would be great.6. Sorry – it''s just not appropriate for you to cuddle our children yetFirst they lived with their birth family. Then in many cases they moved through several foster placements before moving in with their adoptive family. So they need to work out that their parents are the right people to go to for cuddles and re-assurance and that we can and will meet all their needs and keep them safe and secure. I am well aware that my new children are gorgeous little cherubs and they might well be willing to climb up on your lap and accept your sweets, but please point them back to us until we let you know it''s OK.7. Yes, all children do “X”, but not all the timeToddler tantrums, biting, kicking, screaming that they hate you. Yes, I know that your children have done this too. But many adopted children do this simultaneously and unceasingly for months on end. Yep, at the age of 9. Welcome to planet adoption! So please listen sympathetically while I tell you how extreme it is, and feel free to provide tea, cake and a shoulder to cry on ….8. There are very good reasons why we cannot let you take photo''s of our children in the school playYes we know it is a pain. We''d love to show off our little shepard/angel/wiseman on Facebook too. But there''s a chance that a friend of a friend sees our child online or in a photo on your mantle piece and puts two and two together, and suddenly dangerous birth family members know where my child goes to school and they are put at risk.9. It''s complicated and there are some things that we can''t explain to youSome things we do as adoptive parents of previously abused or neglected children will be, well idiosyncratic, weird, if you prefer, because it''s not appropriate to tell you details of why they were removed from their birth family. We can''t always explain why things have to be a certain way. 10, We really appreciate your support – Pass the chocolates ..,Not all our friends stick around when we adopt. Then there are those who do stick around and say and do things that aren''t helpful. But if you want to be an adoptive persons best friend, I have two more pieces of advice. Bring chocolates/wine round the kids have gone to bed, read all the books on adoption you can find. That would be wonderful and you will be a friend for life!