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What happened to my other mummy?

mummysoggy13 April 25, 2019 21:41

What an emotional evening!

We were having a bit of a chat at the table this evening after tea and it all ended up quite emotional - in a good way.

Our 4yo asked what happened to birth mum (she was 18months when taken into care and doesn't really remember much of it) and then when reminded that she died, asked how. It was so direct that we gave her and her sister (8yo) the truthful answer about her drug overdose and how sometimes people can't overcome things, that they are now with us, it's perfectly normal to miss her and we will do everything we can to give them the best life possible.

It's the first time in 14 months that we have had such a conversation as they have always skirted around it a bit, and we haven't wanted to push them into anything. Our 8 year old has let out quite a bit that I think she has been holding in (finally!), while I think our 4yo has a better understanding of what death means now, so is processing what happened differently to before.

I can't help but think that tomorrow they are going to wake up as if the conversation didn't happen whilst I am so proud of the way they reacted and dealt with what we said ?

I don't know that I really have a question, but if anyone has any advice going forward I would be grateful - it's sometimes hard to talk to them together with the age gap!

Edited 17/02/2021
Safia April 25, 2019 21:47

That’s lovely - I don’t think you need to do anything more unless it comes up naturally - they may act as if they haven’t had the conversation but they have and because you answered so openly and naturally they will find it easier to bring things up again

Edited 17/02/2021
mummysoggy13 April 26, 2019 13:32

As expected, no more talk this morning other than our 4yo saying she doesn't want to talk about last night ?

Just have to see what happens now.

I'm so proud they felt able to talk about it though!!

Edited 17/02/2021
chestnuttree April 26, 2019 15:26

Well done! Sounds like they are processing the information. I would watch the 8 year old closely, because she is at an age, where she understands much more and will remember their birth mum. So for her the loss is very concrete.

One of my daughters struggled with the death of one family member and I bought the book "Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine". It a lovely small workbook in which the child can write down memories of a someone who died. It also gives ideas for activities. My daughter loved it and it made a big difference to her feelings. You could put in your older daughter's room and tell her that if she wants to, she could do it on her own or with you.

Edited 17/02/2021
MellowGreens April 29, 2019 15:53

We talk about birth family semi-regularly, and I have found it useful to bring it up myself when it seems to naturally fit the conversion. I think the "no big deal" approach to the topic has really helped us to deal with worries or issues as they occur, with no barriers between us.

I have certainly found that most of the time my daughter soon gets bored of the topic for more exciting things (like riding her bike) and I always chalk that up as a kind of sign of success ?

Edited 17/02/2021

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