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Crisis

CDJT April 11, 2019 15:18
I'm the adult birth child of the adopters, who are older and not great with technology so I'm doing this on their behalf! AD is 14, has been with adopted family since the age of 6. Family at home is mum, dad, older birth son (19yrs) and AD. Relationship has been under strain for the last few years and seems to be deteriorating every week, especially between AD & mum. AD has always been verbally vile & aggressive but Last year AD became physically violent and destructive at school which escalated & escalated until eventually she assaulted mum at home causing severe brushing, bite marks and she had attempted to throw her down the stairs. SS reluctantly put her into emergency foster care following calls from home and police but 2 days later were adamant AD must return home. Mum stood her ground and refused until AD was given support/therapy/mental health assessments etc, believing this was the only way to get SS to listen. AD stayed in foster care for 4 months and after constant bullying tactics and pressuring family, AD returned home with very little extra support in place. This situation has now reoccurred with AD now going missing, threats to kill if she has to stay, asking to leave, saying she'll continue to assault, smash up house, go missing until police take her away and she's stayed true to her word! Except police wouldn't take her away and nor would SS.....so she went missing while SS were visiting the house and when found 9 hours later (safe) she refused to go home and would only get in the adult birth sons car. He drove her to the police station on their request as they needed to check she was ok. Lots of phone calls to SS with the response always being she's your responsibility you need to find somewhere for her to stay, accept there is nobody who will have her. This ended in me telling other adult birth son to leave her at police station as she's not his responsibility and from there she was put on a police protection order (up to 72 hrs). She then got moved to emergency foster carer that night then onto another foster carer the next day who has agreed to house her for the rest of the school holidays. But then what?????? They don't want her to go back into the care system but equally they cannot continue as they are. AD attends a day school for emotional/social probs, there's a promise of life story work, she's had play therapy, she has resilience coaching, she was discharged from camhs. Has attachment disorder but no other diagnosis. Family do not feel safe and feel they can't keep AD safe either so what to do??????!!!!! Thanks, sorry it's a long one
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella April 11, 2019 15:36
Hi. Unfortunately all too familiar a scenario. I’ve linked to The Potato Group below who will be able to help you and your family https://thepotatogroup.org.uk
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123 April 11, 2019 18:22
You did the right thing, and so did your parents. Some adopted kids are just so damaged that they can't live at home, especially once teen size, strength and hormones kick in. Many adopters have ended up "parenting at a distance" to keep everyone safe. Support your parents to stand firm for everyone's safety. I do have some sense of what you are facing, if not so extreme. I have two adopted children, one 21 and the other 15 (also came to us at 6). Every now and then the 15 year old flips and is vile and verbally threatening. The difference we have is that the 15 yr old wants to be here, and he is improving all the time, and its only occassionally this happens, not a regular thing. the rest of the time he is fine, and he restrains himself because of the positive influence and support of his older brother I think as well. Its like something flips in his brain under heavy stress. But if it was ever to actually tip over into physical violence on one of us we would do what you did and involve police and sw. Its not worth the risk. Don't let sw bully your parents into taking your sister back. Would they welcome backing of having you present when SW visit, for extra support? If AD does not want to be at home then a very dangerous situation can result if she is forced to be there. SW might say there is nowhere for her to go, but its not true, they will find somewhere if there is no easy option (for them) of sending her back home. Ironically, sometimes its only when adopted kids go back into care that they get the support and therapy they deserve (and should have got at home years previously) according to some folks on this forum who have faced these difficulties. Contact Potato, as Donatella says, they are very good (Some of them are on here as well) and keep an eye out back here as well in case any of them have any suggestions/thoughts and decide to post a reply. Take care and Best Wishes Pingu
Edited 17/02/2021
Johanna April 11, 2019 23:54
Hi Age 14 is a difficult time. That is when things went awry with both our girls. With us we tried so hard to support them but there were so many issues. One is 25 and one 18 now. Both are mothers. Both now have a good relationship with us and love and respect is mutual. We had to parent from a distance; they each went into foster care and then they began to build into a family life with us. Sometimes I wonder if they made the decision to reunite with us on their own terms. They were not really able to make a decision in their childhoods. Your parents have the right to feel safe in their home. There are foster placements available. I know we took the long view. We wanted the girls to be in our lives. We also could not live successfully with them at that time. There are options. They are difficult to access but they are there. As has been said, the POTATO group can help. AUK can advise on specialist solicitors to ensure a proper care plan is put in place. For day to day help for you , your brother and parents, the Therapeutic Parenting book by Sarah Naish is useful. We have a birth daughter older than our girls. She had very difficult feelings to manage knowing how hurt we were. It is complex . Hugs to you all. Johanna x
Edited 17/02/2021

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