Of all the things I ever though I would struggle with posy adoption this one was never on the list. We have had our boy for 5 months and it's going great so far, little bumps in the road but when is life ever smooth 100% of the time. The family in general are smitten but my MIL is convinced he hates her... I feel this is more her feelings than anything he is doing. He he 2 and plays games, cuddles and kisses her, he invites her to play ext so all the signs are he is fine. I am confused and starting to question... Is this her true feelings for him manifesting in some way. I understand it can be hard to bond right away and I can deal with that... But how can I approach this without upsetting her and making her feel a negative way. Or has anyone else experienced this or can shine a light on what could be going on here? I have looked online for some support but I can't find anything that talks about this sort of thing. Any advise is greatly appreciated!
Grandma think my adopted son hates her
As an adoptive grandmother, one of the things that really helped me was that my daughter talked a lot to me about the adoption process and explained why LO might behave in certain ways and how best to help. That made me feel part of ‘the team’ as it were, and certainly helped me to bond with my grandchild.
I’m not suggesting you tell your MIL anything confidential about your son, but maybe she has certain expectations or misunderstandings getting in the way of bonding, and talking through things a bit might help.
Your little boy sounds lovely and it is such a shame if your MIL can’t enjoy a good relationship with her grandson. I hope all goes well xx
There’s a book called Related by Adoption which also explains things really well - the process, feelings and possible meaning of different behaviour - it’s quite a short simple book. I gave it to my Mum when I heard of it and she said she wished she’d known all that years earlier - it would really have helped
Have you seen the book Cat Lady? Do you think it’s helpful?
I would recommend "Adoption is a family affair" https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00CQ8NNFS/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_MJZ4JMTNJBDSHQ0DPNYH It is American, but covers the emotional side more than "Related by Adoption". She might want to read both.
I would also second CatLady's advice.
@Safia I hadn’t read the book but will do.
@Chestnuttree I’ll have a read of that one as well.
Thanks both for the recommendations, they sound like useful resources 🙏
Thank you all these are some lovely suggestions, I'll get them ordered and see how it goes. I'll give them a read myself too before handing them over.
We have kept them involved in the process and have had to put some boundaries in place as they were over stepping (by miles) so we had to reset a little but that didn't change her feelings. We really want her to enjoy her time with him which she does... But she then says she thinks he hates her and she thinks he won't go to her. We can't see what she is seeing or feeling so we just need to try to understand it ourselves aswell to best help her.
We really appreciate your help 😊
You've had lots of good suggestions of resources.
Just to say: I wouldn't discount this as being about your mum's feelings/mental health/confidence as you say in your original post. Does she have other grandchildren she's confident looking after and who she feels love her/respond to her?
FWIW, I expected my mum, who raised three kids herself and is generally a very "capable" person, to be a confident grandparent. She's actually really struggled with my youngest particularly - who has ASD as it turns out and doesn't always respond emotionally in the way my mum might expect a child to respond to a loving adult. But also as it turns out, my siblings report that their (very easy and delightful) birth kids can be challenging for her and she's more "hands off" than they expected. My mum is great with our older daughter, now a teenager, with whom she can undertake grown up activities and "reason with" and with her other older grandchildren. She struggles with our younger daughter but also a bit to be honest with other primary school age grandchildren.
If you have the bandwidth at the moment, it might be worth some empathetic, listening conversations with your mum about her feelings. It can sometimes be a mix of things, I've discovered - such as ageing and losing confidence that you can keep a child who is being "difficult" safe if they run off or become dysregulated. Or managing a child's needs whilst also caring for elderly relatives and balancing that. I know for my mum, my youngest had a minor meltdown and refused to move when on a day out in a public place with my mum and my eldest had to pick her up and carry her. After that my mum refused point blank to take her anywhere because she didn't think she could keep her safe. But it's as much about ageing - not being able to run, to pick up a heavy child, being widowed and not having her partner as backup - as it is about the child.
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