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It’s been a long time

Allie November 24, 2020 16:48

I used to use this forum many years ago was wondering if there were any old timers.

My ad is now nearly 25, after years and years of mental abuse through attachment issues.I find myself at yet another struggle.

my ad now has a beautiful daughter who is 31/2 years old. When she left at 16, she has been staying in approx 6 different places at least. She has went from one abusive relationship into another. She takes us for granted, she was living with us for about a yea and the name calling was consistent over nothing. She walked out stayed with her friend. She is wild, her mouth is in the gutter to a way I will never understand. I have had it..then comes latest bombshell that she accuses bf of rape. Posts all toys on facebook and is generally a Nast person. Horrible thing to happen to her but I am numb. I want a quieter life no drama , she hates that side of me. She only in flat 4 weeks already I see the cracks forming. I know she will never be able to cope. The rape thing is not the first time it has been mentioned want to v

believe her feel really bad at how I feel

Edited 17/02/2021
windfalls November 26, 2020 13:33

Hi Allie,

Sorry that you have not had any replies before now , I am afraid these boards aren't what they used to be. It all sounds incredibly hard and it is understandable that you feel numb. I don't think you have to believe her about the rape, if you don't, but you can empathize with how she perceived what happened and her feelings arising from it. You shouldn't feel bad about the way you feel, you have done all that you could have and more by the sounds of it, so please be kind to yourself.

I think you need to distance yourself from her and as you say not be drawn into her drama , difficult I know when a child is also involved. Are social services supporting your AD and keeping an eye on your grand-daughter? It certainly isn't what we were lead to believe adoption would be ,is it?

Hopefully someone else with more experience will be along soon. Check out the potato group as I understand a lot of the "old timers" are on there. Please look after yourself.xx

Edited 17/02/2021
Applesandpears. December 3, 2020 18:39

Hi Allie,

It sounds like you have been managing some really challenging behaviours. I imagine it feels exhausting. I wonder if you would accept some professional advice about how to manage disclosures of rape. The Survivors Trust are experts at supporting survivors of rape and those within their support network. They are as much there to support you as they are to support your daughter.

They will be able to provide lots of practical advice for how you can look after yourself and support your daughter as a survivor. The Survivors Trust really aims to empower survivors. TST receive a high number of calls from adoptive families and are a trauma-informed organisation. I have received their trauma training and it was some of the best I have experienced to date.

It's also important to remember to look after yourself and be kind to yourself Allie. Is there something you can do for self-care?

Sending a big hug!

Edited 17/02/2021
Allie December 28, 2020 08:28

Thank you both for your kind words.

reading over my post it sounds really harsh. I sound hard and I am not. I have my Grandaughter about 3 times a week overnight. She is a wee delight. She is getting at the demanding daughter tries hard with her but it depends in the mood she is in. I got social services involved a few times throughout her life, I was worried over her behaviour in the house, particularly after one time when she physically attacked me. She was unhappy growing up and resented me , hated me. She was challenging , but kept out of trouble until she was 16. When she left I got no sympathy or kind words for her friends mums who lived nearby. As they believed my ad when she told them I was cruel, shouted at her a lot and she was adopted living with an adopted mum who hated work just made situation worse they wanted to treat her like a bad girl going off the rails. I wanted help in the attachment issues but no help was available. I then got them involved again when she was16, as she walked put no money , did not care where she stayed I needed someone who would look out for her. They got her a flat set up rules no drinking no one was allowed to stay but that ended up being a complete joke as they could not police that. At this point she started taking a lot of drugs her social worker once told me that she prayed every night that she would be alive the next morning. Sorry I am going on a bit ..from there she went from one bad relationship to another, back with her bags only if she really had to. She learned to survive on almost nothing. I would say from there she has changed her life around a good bit, I think because of her daughter. We helped as much as possible. But she needed the help and despised me for giving it to her. I would say our relationship now is worse now, that wall that I had built around myself to protect me had to be pulled down when my Grandaughter was born, but I find myself having to build it up again. She sees nothing in reducing me to tears thinks I am pathetic..I want her to be happy, if that means seeing less of her so be it I don’t want my Grandaughter being brought up through the’s not good. It is all affecting my granddaughters behaviour, she can be very difficult and demanding and I don’t see things changing any

latest drama is she admitted she was drinking most days, joined AA..I was happy in one way because she does drink too much , her friends supported her ..then she decides to drink again..I told her I would not judge her Ect, I knew in my heart it would not last as she was more interested in the drama of it all she wanted to be labelled an Alkie. Well I went through years with my own mum who was an alcoholic who wasted her own lifeand now at 72 has been in a home last 10 years due to this. I was not going to enable her. So this caused another argument.

my husband and I have been married over 33years, we have a good strong marriage. But honestly could have broken up a few times due to us arguing over the best way to treat my daughter. I am trying his way, to accept the name calling and go on as if it does not affect me, but it is slowly chipping away at me. I don’t want to live like this and feel I am trapped until next time.

As for the rape charge, I work as a beauty therapist in my local area, my daughter wants me to tell people about the rape..but I feel I can’t...I don’t want anyone to know my or her personal business. I blocked his mum from messaging me as she was just saying her son did not rape my daughter. I stood by her , saying to her there was evidence showing he did also my ad had been really bad with depression. I to.d her it was best to leave it to the authorities to deal with. Again my ad was angry that I did not call this woman names and shout at her..not my way, I will support my ad , but now I know she has a new man. She has been on tinder, I saw messages. She does not protect herself enough, so each time when something bad happens it chips away at her vulnerable self...

I am not saying I don’t believe her , she believes it . I want her to get the help she needs. But I need to find a way to survive this too as I feel like walking away from it all once again

Edited 17/02/2021
Applesandpears. December 28, 2020 09:06

Hi Allie,

I’m sorry to hear you are still struggling with all this. I really feel for you. It must be exhausting.

It sounds as if you have done all you can for your daughter. At this stage, you need to start looking after yourself.

You’re right not to discuss the rape with other people. If it’s pre-trial then you potentially leave yourself and your daughter exposed to legal action if you discuss details. If you want some advice on how to manage this then you could contact the Survivors Trust. They would be able to put you in touch with an ISVA service (Independent Sexual Violence Advisor). An ISVA service is a free service usually provided by a local sexual assault centre. They can advise what any reporting/legal process might look like. They are fully independent and speaking to one does not mean your daughter is committing to prosecuting her ex boyfriend. I wonder if it might help her to speak to an ISVA or even the Survivors Trust helpline. This way it is them and not you who is having to explain why it might not be a good idea to shout at the ex boyfriend’s mother.

It is clear how much you care about your daughter. You clearly act with her best interests at heart. But reading your message it sounds like you need to stop for a moment and come up for air. It sounds like you’re treading water and need to take some time for yourself. What do you enjoy doing to relax?

Edited 17/02/2021
Safia December 28, 2020 09:47

So sorry to hear what you’re going through - it sounds as if you’re going round and round in circles and can’t find a way out. Do you have counselling? It may be a way to find YOU in all this as well as grieving for all the losses and identifying what you can let go of. As said above you need to identify things you enjoy and make sure you are able to spend time on these - prioritise your own needs - but in a way that’s not making it either / or (your daughters needs v your own) My daughter was raped several years ago - she has learning difficulties and was targeted. Eventually I found support for myself as well as her which made a huge difference to me. She had taken her best friend along too and this friends Mum blamed her and told all the other parents this and to keep their kids away. This was very hurtful to me - and I lost all the everyday support I could’ve had. Another thing about being raped is that certain people are vulnerable and liable to become targets and repeat victimisation is common - so if she’s said it several times it doesn’t mean it’s not true but it does mean she’s less likely to be believed. When someone has been raped another common reaction is to repeat the trauma as a way of processing it. My daughter put herself in danger so many times but luckily it didn’t happen again in that way. I didn’t tell anyone she’d been raped either - unless I had to - it’s very rarely appropriate and not something most people can relate to or want to deal with. As for the bf mum it would be very hard for her to see it that way whatever happened - I guess your daughter just wants to see you’re on her side - but you are doing that in other ways by supporting her with AA and helping her out in general. Maybe she just needs to hear you say it explicitly each time you are helping her? I agree with your husband - if you can ignore the insults it would really help - eventually - but it is really difficult to do. You have to find an alternative way to react - even if it’s just saying something to yourself in you’re head. I’ve heard of parents doing star charts for themselves when trying to change their reaction - so rewarding themselves when they have done so x number of times etc. After all you can only really change your own behaviour not someone else’s. Try to look at spending time with your granddaughter as just that - something lots of grandmas do - rather than something you’re doing for your daughter. Make them enjoyable times you plan for and have fun with her and your granddaughter will really benefit from them too as well as yourself

Edited 17/02/2021


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