Archived Forums

Hi I have 2 ac who are now young adults. My son Partrodge was always always ill. Ok some of it was psychosomatic for sure. He was trying to tell me he deeply needed care. Its all tied in with his wretched unworthy feelings because of early trauma and neglect. But also his immune system and other physical stuff has been negatively impacted by that really awful early, repeated trauma. My AD Blossom on the other hand was never ever ill. Once she’d broken her fingers in an accident at school. I noticed her hiding her hand at breakfast and got a closer look and it was black and blue. Horrified I got her medically seen to and rang school. She haven’t complained at all at the time or all afternoon at school. They were really shocked. Having said that she’d wail for hours over the tiniest paper cut. both the ac have very little barometer on hot/ cold painful/ no pain. This is to do with abandonment neglect and trauma at key points in their earlier lives. Have a read of ‘the body keeps the score’ online and if you can read the short but pointy (!) bk ‘the boy who was raised as a dog’ by Bruce Perry it will give you new insight. As for what to say/ do. Go through the motions of care even if this is clearly fiction They are absolutely needing care. I used to gently wash their hands and dry them and apply plain Nivea. That sort of nurturing approach did help. Re the dr. I’d take some time to write/ email and explain that sometimes it’s a hard thing to tell what’s what and they still need care as their well-being has been compromised along the way prior to adoption.

I doubt they can say they’re better for a few reasons 1) the killer shame that they’ve been dishonest in some way. 2) they’re unable to understand the way this offers a ‘get out of jail free card’ because they lack cause and effect thinking. 3) they know that soliciting this caring attention stuff from the medics is powerful and feels nice. They don’t want it to end. Lack of empathy features here- whereas you and I would be terribly embarrassed about the time/ effort/ money its put everyone through for seemingly nothing, the child with poor grasp on empathy feels nothing of the sort. This might be something they can learn about through some role play/ therapeutic stories

I agree with friend Pear Tree. Our two (older adopted siblings) would often come to me with serious looks on their faces and hold up a finger. At first I’d look and examine the finger and say I can’t see anything and it’s not broken and pretty much dismiss it. It was just instinct that made me realise that there was something more to it so when I was again presented with a serious face and a finger held out to me for inspection (they never said a word, just looked at me gravely, in silence) that I’d say Oh dear! You’ve got a poorly finger! Would you like Mummy to kiss it better? Again, serious face with lots of nods. I’d kiss the finger and stroke the hand and say Mummy’s helping to make it better. Is that feeling any better? Lots of nods. I’d get the smile creeping across the face and they’d run off happily. For my two it was definitely about needing comfort and nurturing from Mummy.

I received a letter from my AD's primary school when she would have been about 6 or 7 telling me that she had failed a sight test. I was advised to take her to an optician. I did so. She had a long sight test. At first the optician looked perplexed. He then became increasingly annoyed. He stopped the sight test and told me accusingly that she was making it all up. I was taken aback. Afterwards I asked her why she did it. She replied 'But I want to wear glasses like you Mummy!' Lily

Thanks for the comments and advice. It's such a powerful reminder of the effects of their earlier life, isn't it? I need to get a better grip on lack of empathy. I am trying to use play with my youngest daughter's bedtime bunny. The bunny is loving and wants AD's love and attention. AD is being more caring but there are times when she is mean to the bunny and hurts it. I always feel that the information we got from Social Services is sketchy but I do know that our youngest suffered the most from rough handling and being hit. On her computer games she plays Roblox and I have heard her say to our eldest AD (her sibling) that she enjoys locking people in her house and leaving them there. She thinks it's fun. When her sister did it to her she hated it but she has no ability to see how her behaviours are affecting others. Then at other times she'll be incredibly kind and caring towards me. It's so up and down and inconsistent. I'll have a look at the books suggested. I know reading is key but I struggle sometimes with feeling bogged down by the enormity of it all. It's been a tough 3.5 years since placement. There are lots of improvements to be thankful for and I try to recognise the good job that my husband and I are doing.

You sound like you’re on the ball :) Re the books- I like audible often. Sending warmest support