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Hi Adopt MoreCats,

I remember at prep that we were very much encouraged to write contact letters, even if we got no replies. The idea was that even if the birth parents are not in a place to reply or don't want to engage with the process, they will still want to hear about how their birth child(ren) are doing.

In our case BM has written every year. I share the details with AS, although he isn't greatly interested. Sometimes there have been upsetting details in the letters. BM has moved on quite a lot and is now able to care for her younger children. This has greatly upset AS; he sees it as a further rejection. Sometimes I think that the letter doesn't seem to be in his best interests, but I think it is good for keeping the channels of communication open to him. Not necessarily because he wants to see BM, but he definitely wants to see his siblings.

I know there are plenty of adopters who have stopped writing contact letters and I also remember at prep that there was a family who shared their story with us, Their children had been sexually abused and horrifically neglected and they felt from the start that it was not in the children's interests for them to maintain any contact via letterbox at all. They thought it might "send the children the message that what the birth parents did was ok".

There is no obligation to carry on writing in most cases. It depends on cicumstances and should definitely be in the child's interests. How old are your children, have you been doing letterbox?

We stopped sending photos years into LB because my daughter - who is the one who had been injured - was very afraid of being found. We used to only send school photos and even then with the sweatshirt removed as the schools were very identifying (ie - name of school = area). We had letters from BM until she died a few years in - one lovely letter from BF after she died (helped I'm sure by SS) and then only cards from him after that. Whenever I wrote I was very careful about identifying details - eg my son played for the school team in a particular sport and they came 3rd in the country on 2 occasions so only mentioned that he liked and was good at a sport but never said which - again if you searched his name and the sport the area was easily identified as well as the county training facility and school. To begin with I did it thinking it was in the children's interest but in our case it wasn't really - they were a bit interested to start with then completely disinterested after that. You have to think of your children's particular circumstances too and mine were babies when taken into care. I don't think it was even beneficial for the BPs - BM maybe as she really wanted to hear and I could ask a question and she would answer - but generally I think it stops them moving on with their lives as they have a year to deal with the loss of their children and then are sent another reminder - it seems cruel to me - unless there are particular circumstances that warrant it. Similarly with children - it is an annual reminder of what happened to them - though of course it may be helpful to some. I know some people feel that with LB if they do ever want to make contact there is a format there and something to build on in a supported way. This was not the case for us - but of course could have been. You never know

We carried on until they were 18 but in a very minor way - there was never any problem when we stopped the photos either. I carried on partly because I had said I would and didn't want to be the one to break the agreement

You don't leagally have to do this but it will show you to your child that you as parents made effort to supply a letter for the birth family incase they were ever wanting to read it. It just shows that even if you never get a reply, you did your part. It says to your child, we tried, we love you and at least gave them the oppotunity to know that you were doing very well in life and might be peace of mind for BM, BF or a grandparent. I havent had a reply from any of the birth family but I will continue to write every year and when my little one is of age and has access to her files she will find all of my letters there (I also keep copies at home too). Its one hour a year for my child.