Public Forums

I'm fuming now, my mum has just told me she took it because she thinks it's "funny" because my daughter is adopted, I'm furious at her but she still won't give it back.

Do you know why your mum took the cuddly off her? If it’s for discipline her in any way it won’t be effective unless you can explain your mums reasoning. She should also be able to say when she will get it back. Especially if it’s providing some form of security. I think if it’s a really important cuddly for her and does provide that security you need to have a conversation with your mum explaining this - not undermining her - but then agree when she can have it back. Your mum wouldn’t want her to be scared of going to stay with her again!

Though it does sound as though maybe it’s a power thing?

She says she can "never" have it back. It wasn't for discipline, just because she "wanted to see her reaction because she's adopted and not family" and she says it's "funny", I'm furious but don't know what I can do if she doesn't give it back.

What very strange behaviour! Not much you can do other than explain its importance and say how it’ll affect her relationship with your daughter - I guess you could film her distress on your phone and send it to your mum - but that might not be very nice for your daughter and might not have the effect you want on your mum. You could also stop interacting with her if she’s not accepting what you’re saying - not respond and not keep asking - give her time to mull it over - as maybe she just wants that sort of reaction from you? I guess if she won’t give it back at all - and there’s no one to intervene - maybe you could choose a new special toy with your daughter?

I would film her but that's not very nice for my daughter. I might not interact with my mum and give her time to mull over.

It's a Disney soft toy from Primark so I could maybe take my daughter to town to buy the same toy from Primark and make a nice day out of it and go to a restaurant to eat out etc.?

I don't know how long you have had your child, but this is a very concerning situation in many respects: You are the mother, you decide, not your mum. This child is adopted, you have had special training, not your mum. It is sadistic to take the favourite toy from a child who has experienced severe losses and to then find their distress funny.

Your mother clearly has severe issues with the fact that your child is adopted. She also seems to have no understanding of your child's needs. I don' t think your child should spend any more time with your mum without your close supervision of your mum, not even for a few hours. I also think that you need to have very serious conversations with your mum and possibly need to stop contact in case your mum refuses to be educated by you and to respect your parenting choices. Your child has been through enough. I would make this clear to your mum in no uncertain terms: either she plays by your rules or you will choose your child.

Do not film your daughter in distress. You do not need to justify yourself or prove anything, your mum needs to give something back that is not hers and to respect your parental authority. She is overstepping boundaries in a massive way. Removing the toy is wrong on various levels, but her reasoning is even more concerning.

That is just very cruel. Whatever is your mum thinking? Taking away your child’s comfort toy to see how she would react because she is adopted... and then to find it funny? It beggars belief.

Your mum is wrong to refuse to give back the toy - it does not belong to her - but I hope you can find another one the same. This is not just about the toy though, is it? It’s about someone behaving unpleasantly towards a vulnerable child and finding amusement in their distress. If I were you I would keep your child well away from her. Take care x

Hi Iloveorlando,

Goodness- what an awful situation. I see that you have had some good advice from others here. What I would say is definitely do not film your daughter in distress, I would suggest for you to go out with your daughter and get a replacement, making it a happy time like you and Safia spoke about above. I would stay clear of the your mother until she can give a reasonable reason why she would cause distress and upset to her grandchild.

You can, of course, call our helpline 0300 666 0006 if you would like to talk it through. Also, we do have a family and friends webinar on the 12th October that your Mum may like to attend - it's for family and friends of adopters to understand more about adoption. I understand this may be too much and she may not be open to it, but I thought I would mention it just in case.

Best wishes,

Charlotte

Very late to this Iloveorlando, but really feeling for you: how awful.

I agree with everything chestnuttree, Charlotte and others have said. This your mum's issue and causing deliberate distress to her grandchild, who she does not accept as family makes her not a safe person for your daughter to be with. How awful for you.

I just wanted to add: have a think about who you can turn to for support, for you. It sounds as if you might be early in your adoption journey if your little one is so small. I don't know what kind of emotional or practical support you would expect from your mum, but she sounds as if she cannot give it. Don't be afraid to think of your needs and reach out to the other people who can support your parenting. You need that.

You might need to look into Narcissistic (covert and overt) and Borderline Personality Disorder parents. What she did is abusive. Best of luck xx