Edited 17/02/2021
Is this racism?
raspberry
January 2, 2011 11:40
I am mixed race and have friends of all backgrounds. They also know my background which is white, Jewish, Asian and my half-brother has Afro Caribbean paternity. I am also going to panel for a lo who has unknow paternal heritage which presents as Afro Caribbean. I have two friends who make comments which are not overtly racist but on New Years Eve (during the day so no drink involved) they got the better of me and I became upset but kept it to myself. It was about another friend who always attracts black men and how at least she draws them away from them as they would not want that. Now I know people have preferences but I just find it really negative and how can I let them say similar things in front of my lo who will pick up on this as he will probably be viewed as black. Am I asking too much of people to expect them to be more sensitive? I have tackled them over things in the past and they have been more sensitive but then they go back to their usual selves. They are nice people and I can handle it but when there is a child around I don''t see why he should be around it. I know it may happen to him but just not at the hands of my friends. Then I think are they true friends if they have these views. Anyone experiences this or felt like this in terms of protecting your lo
samson66
January 2, 2011 22:45
hi rasberry, im using my wifes log on who is white. im a 38 yr old black male, step parent to three and adoptive parent of two more. Raceism is very simple.... you know it when you hear it because you feel it. Your friends feel comfortable to express thier views as you present as white i presume based upon your white, Jewish, Asian mix.they wouldnt have said that if a person of a more prodomiant black mix was present. im not saying they are bad people as i do not know them. they are however showing a general dislike to certain traits that are pinned onto some in the black society. They will say things infront or around your child unless you challange them. the fact they know your half brother and dont care is a concern. your little one is mixed and you will have to defend them over and over again. it will be uncomfortable but that is life. its simple, its your child and you must controll the world around them. T o us ethe term correctly, manup for your lo, and dont let racism festor in any form around them...
Edited 17/02/2021
raspberry
January 3, 2011 13:33
Hi Thanks for your reply, it has been really helpful to get your perspective as a black man. Yes I am ambiguous, some people realise I am mixed and others don't. The fact that my friends know my and my brother's background is what's most upsetting not to mention the most important person yet to come. I shall as you say "man up" and let them know that they have made me feel uncomfortable and this is not something I am going to expose my lo to.
Edited 17/02/2021
jmk
January 3, 2011 15:39
Hi Raspberry,I'm white, husband is black, and DD's are mixed race. We had this problem with MIL. She used to say some non pc things about other black people and when we had our ADD's placed with us I had to tell her that I didn't approve of her saying such things in front of my daughters. I think she thought I was being over the top, but she must have listened as she didn't repeat things again.If you make it clear to your friends that you find these comments upsetting (with a subtle reminder to them that you are half black) and that you find their comments hurtful,this should be enough to show them that they should be more careful of what they say. Sometimes these comments are kind of inbred and people don't think before they speak. If they are real friends, they should not do it again, and if they continue to make such comments, then you and your LO would be better off without them.
Edited 17/02/2021
selg
January 3, 2011 20:20
HiWhat your friends have said is definitely racist - if they are suggesting that the men your friend attracts are less desirable people because they are black.I hate this sort of racism as when you bring it up with people you become the 'baddy'. They say that they didn't mean it like that, and you 'know' how they meant it, well, to be frank I don't! If they are suggesting that a friend attracts undesirable, untrustworthy men lacking in morals,then they should say that and not describe them as black. Although I was present with my friend who is black and 32 years old, when her mother who is from the Caribbean and in her sixties, told her to 'say away from black men as they are all trouble', she told her mum off for it, but that is her mum's belief even though she is black herself. So you don't have to be white to be racist.Like 316carolyn's husband says you have to confront it otherwise they will say these sort of things infront of your children and maybe about your children, which is something you need to protect your child from.Sel
Edited 17/02/2021
raspberry
January 5, 2011 12:53
HiI have spoken separately to both my friends about how uncomfortable they made me feel and that I would be compromising my values and integrity if I did not deal with this issue for me, my brother and (hopefully!) soon to be child. They fully understood and although it was awkward I think it went as well as it could do. I agree with you Selg re looking like the baddy but I was determined not to get emotional and come over like it was my issue. I feel really empowered by doing this and have put into practice what I know I shall need to do over and over again as you have rightly said hubby of 316Carolyn.JMK - I take on board your comment and if there is a next time with them then I will have no hesitation in ending our friendship. Thanks for your support over this issue I really appreciate it. Roll on matching panel on 24th January, I can't wait.
Edited 17/02/2021
pigeon
January 5, 2011 18:49
Hi RaspberryLots of helpful responses to your post. I just wanted to add that I've been approved for either a dual heritage or white british child and I would find those kind of remarks unacceptable whatever the ethnicity of my child. I wouldn't want my little one thinking those kind of comments are ok and possibly seeing my 'silence' as an indication that I agree with what is being said. You were quite right to tackle it.best wishesPigeonx
Edited 17/02/2021
raspberry
January 6, 2011 09:37
Hi PigeonI quite agree it's not acceptable at all in front of anyone. They are wrong to think and say those things but I know from experience that I can't force them to change their views. I'm hoping my gentle but firm approach has made them at least question their views and the rest is up to them as they say. I remember a few years back when someone made a racist comment I challenged it and they said I was being too sensitive due to my background! There was someone else there who backed me up and they then apologised. My experience is that people don't listen if they don't see you as being part of their "group" so to speak as they are from a mindset that has a them and us perspective. They you're the baddy, but these days I'm quite prepared to be the baddy.Good luck with your search Pigeon x
Edited 17/02/2021
pigeon
January 6, 2011 20:56
Hi Raspberryand all the best to you for matching panel...how exciting?! Pigeonx
Edited 17/02/2021
gimli
January 7, 2011 12:54
as part of a mixed race family id say yes it was wat they call under the table racism.(oh we dident mean it it was just a joke kind)im glad you felt able to confront them in a quiet manner and if there good friends they will re think.along time ago before i married my mixed race hubby ,my sister and her husband told me if i went out with a black guy i would be tarnished foreverwell i did go out with him and it took us getting wed for them to see what utter pillockes they had been.my husband and them are now firm family and they adore each and every one of my kids.they had become sold on old racism and needed a kick up the backside to see the truth.good luck
Edited 17/02/2021
jmk
January 7, 2011 17:07
Gimli - I had that when I started going out with DH 25 years ago. A white friend of mine, (who claimed to have loads of black friends at work),suddenly started saying things like "we didn't invite you to the rugby club do because we thought X might not fit in . Needless to say she is no longer a friend of mine. Bumped into her years later, with DH and our DD's and she was all over us -Kept saying how beautiful DD's were - I just looked at her as if she was from another planet, and said to my family "come on let's go I don't think we fit in" and we walked away. At least she had the decency to blush
Edited 17/02/2021
gimli
January 7, 2011 18:08
jmkgood for you.i forgave my sister and her hubby because they admited they were wrong and were honest enough to admit it.
Edited 17/02/2021
samson66
January 10, 2011 20:42
hi rasberry,im glad to know that you did what your conscience felt you should. Takling the issue know allows time for any unaired feelings to be dealt with. Your friends have accepted you as white... dispite what you actually are. You may face this again and again due to your outward appearance."Bad things happen when good people do nothing" is a true saying... your self confidence and vision of your own self has deep emotional links to how we present ourselves to others. I believe that your child will florish with a view that they are as good as anyone and they deserve the respect that all should have.....WELL DONE AND THANK YOU ON BEHALF OF MANY.
Edited 17/02/2021
Archived
This topic is archived. New posts are not allowed.
