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Hi Salad1,

Please contact our Helpline team and one of our skilled advisors will be happy to discuss your situation and answer your questions in more detail. You can email them on [email protected] or call them on 0300 666 0006 available Monday to Thursday 10.00am - 2.30pm and Friday 10.00am - 12.30pm (excluding bank holidays). More information here

In addition, you will hopefully get some further advice and support from the Forum's knowledgeable users.

Hope this helps.

Best Wishes,
Andrew
Online Team AUK

Hi Salad1

Thanks for using the forum to reach out. I echo what Andrew has said about getting some support and advice from our trained helpline team. https://www.adoptionuk.org/helpline Have you also reached out to your post adoption support team to see if you can access any therapy and additional support for your little boy and also for you both too? That may be a good starting point too.

If you are an Adoption UK member you can also access a host of webinars - a couple of recent ones have focused on child on parent violence and these may help you. You can find them on the members area of the website. https://www.adoptionuk.org/pages/category/member-resources

This leaflet we produced a couple of years ago may also help. https://www.adoptionuk.org/shop/adoption-today-supplement-trauma-fuelled-violence

Please do not hesitate to get back in touch with us - either via this thread or the chat function - and we will advise as best we can.

Best wishes,
Charlotte

Hi Salad1,

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know the answer to your question re stats on violence against adoptive parents, but the Selwyn report may give you some information on this as it deals with number of disruptions. From my own point of view, I would say that it is probably very common and due to a number of reasons. Firstly trauma/loss/attachment problems can lead to this type of behaviour but please don't put your as's behaviour solely down to this as I do think a lot of adopted children also have other things going on which can be inherited/genetic or have been cause by exposure to drink/drugs during pregnancy. So another cause of this type of behaviour can be ADHD/ODD/FASD/ASD and also other mental health problems as well as learning difficulties. So I think a large number of adopted children will have both attachment and other conditions which lead to very challenging behaviour.

So if I were you I would look up the symptoms of these type of conditions and see if any of them fit your AS eg ADHD in which children have poor concentration, hyperactivity, poor impulse control, no sense of danger etc. My ad was dx this at age 6 and we started on medication straight away which has really helped. Also you mention that his behaviour is particularly bad at bedtime and a feature of ASD is difficulty in transitioning from one thing to another and also the need to be in control - my ad has also been dx this. so again look up the features and see if any of them fit. If they do then go and see your GP and ask for referral for assessment but be careful with CAHMS as may people on the old boards reported how CAHMS put all problems with adopted children solely down to attachment/trauma and refuse to consider anything else. As a result of this we had our AD dx for ADHD privately - which also meant that we had no waiting list and had access to the meds quickly and as you are dealing with really challenging behaviour it may be worth considering this if you are able to.

We brought our AD home at age 13 months and from about the age of 2 1/2 years I knew there was other stuff going on with her apart from attachment (which I think all adopted children suffer from to one degree or another). She was dx ADHD/ODD at age 6, dyslexia aged 8, dyspraxia aged 9 and ASD aged 10. uncovering all of her problems has been like peeling an onion - we discover one thing and deal with that only to find something else going on. She is now 13 years old and although the ADHD/ODD is a lot better as she is on medication, her behaviour can still be really challenging due to ASD and in that respect it has become worse.

So start the ball rolling re ruling in/out the conditions listed above. Also look at his birth family history as this may give you some clues as to what else could be going on. Don't forget there are reasons why birth parents are unable to parent properly and lead chaotic lives which result in their children being taken into care. A lot of them have undiagnosed mental health problems etc themselves. If he has started school consider EHCP - which will give school extra resources to deal with his behaviour. My ad has an EHCP and is in a specialist school which has been great as they understand her needs and that takes pressure off me - no longer having to have major rows with schools who can't/don't want to understand.

Also remember that until you have any underlying condition dealt with then any therapy for attachment problems will never make any difference because your AS just will not be able to access it eg if he does have ADHD then until he is on meds for it he will never be calm enough or able to control his behaviour long enough to take on board any of the therapy.

Other things to consider - applying for DLA and carers allowance, consider contacting social services and see what help they can provide. above all remember you have not caused your AS's behaviour, it is not your fault and not down to your parenting skills - so don't let any of the professionals try to put the blame at your feet. Your AS's level of violence and aggression at such a young age suggests to me that he does have other stuff going on. Also remember to look after yourself and make sure you get some respite from his behaviour - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

best wishes xx

I just wanted to suggest you also look into NVR - non violent resistance (I think) training - I’ve no experience myself but I’ve heard good things about it. It is a way of reacting to violence that de-escalated the situation and a really good idea of something you could try in the meantime while waiting for all the assessments to take place. Your post adoption SW should be able to access funding and I think (but I’m not sure) it can be done online too SS an alternative - there is a very good book I think too though I don’t know the title. Bryan Post is also someone who has a very good approach and as your son is quite young it’s a good idea to do as much reading as you can - Bryan Post from fear to love is the basic one and anything on therapeutic parenting - I can’t think of any specific titles but someone else might be able to. He is still little - a lot can change with all the right help - don’t be disheartened - and remember to look after yourself too

Thank you AUK and members. This is eye-opening. We hadn't seriously contemplated seeing whether he suffers from one of these specific mental health issues although its clear his mind and/or chemistry has a degree of damage. We contacted SS a few weeks ago but they said we would get a call back in 1-2 months. Time to chase. I also had on my list to get in touch with AUK for advice too. Browsing last night I downloaded the Selwyn report which I intend to make my way through but from first glimpse it seems to paint a not very hopeful picture of such violent predicaments. No matter, I just need to know that am doing my best and pursuing every possible shot at a good outcome for my son. xx.

One of our daughters has anger issues and can become violent, though not to the extend you are describing, eg. she might hit or kick us but never with full force. She has never broken anything, “just” scratched a few walls and kicked kitchen cabinets. We sought therapy for her when she was eight and it has helped a lot. She is rarely violent now, only if she gets highly stressed and she is still working on it. She is 13 now.

I would urgently seek help for your son. You are right in that an aggressive 5 year old is very different from an aggressive 10 year old. Plus this is not something you can sort out in a week.

Im looking or advice too on our 4 year old Son. He came to live with us in March and while lockdown has been really restrictive, he has had all of our attention. Similar to the OP his behaviour is out of control when he doesn't get his own way. A simple command turns into attitude back and being cheeky.

This evening we were just relaxing on the sofa and when he didn't get his own way over something so minor, he completely turned into rage and bit me 3 times including once on the face where I drew blood. Never shouted before but I did on this occasion as I was so taken back. Simply left him to calm on the stairs for over 40 minutes but the sheer anger in him was intense. Growling like an animal and punching himself as well as the stairs.

Minus the biting, this kind of situation happens 2-3 times a week and it's getting me so low that I sometimes just cry when alone. My husband and I are doing our best but we just don't know what to do.

That’s so hard, especially for a new adoption as I expect it affects bonding and compassion. Im surprised you weren’t warned about this behaviour possibly arising. I have thought back to the adoption training we had to do with Social Services and the courses they run from time to time and honestly i cannot remember them ever mentioning child violence. Such a shame not to address this topic that damages the fabric of families and is a contributor to breakdowns.

Hi Newdads,

As you are pre-adoption order i would raise this with your social worker first with a view to raising it with the child's social worker and family finder. You should also be having review meetings with the independent officer and you should raise this with them also. Were any reports completed on him whilst in foster care? This really needs to be raised with the social workers and a plan worked out re a therapy package and assessments to uncover what is going on. Whatever you do DO NOT put in for the adoption order until SS agree to fund the therapy and assessments because you can bet your life they will disappear over the hills once the order is granted and leave you to it. Don't allow them to fob you off with "he just needs time to adjust and settle down". As he is 4 he has obviously been in the birth family home for a while before being removed and he could have suffered a lot of trauma/neglect/abuse at their hands. Go through the report you were given before matching on him but read between the lines and see if you can uncover anything from this.

You will need to stand your ground on this and make sure your son gets the help he needs funded by Social Services. Don't let them duck their responsibilities or try to threaten you with "well this could threaten the placement". If need be get some advice from a solicitor.

best wishesxx

Hi, new to the forum but I've had my three for nine years nearly (I'm special guardian) and have three step children whose birth father was violent. Between them, they have quite an impressive mix of letters after their names - AD, ADHD, probable ASD (been waiting three years for an assessment), complex PTSD...and more. So our home is full of trauma. The three I took on were exposed to alcohol and drugs in the womb. The youngest was most neglected as a baby and suffered god knows what in his first two years before he and his siblings were removed. What I have been able to learn of their early life, through an FOI request to the LA, (docs came heavily redacted) was just heartbreaking. Fast forward and here we are, dealing with his daily violence and destruction. We are on our knees and at risk of a family breakdown. I am constantly covered in bruises and have to restrain him for hours at a time while he kicks, headbutts. bites, pinches, punches, scratches, pulls hair. If I let go he goes for my partner, one of the other kids or their property so I can not let go. He controls everything we do. He soils himself regularly, for which I have tried to get him so much help and been so understanding, but he doesn't clean himself up, hides pooey pants all over and flies into a rage when I ask him to have a shower and clean himself up, I have been through years of therapy for them all and reading up. I understand what is happening, the complexity of his trauma, his shame, his self esteem issues ( though I would never claim to understand what it feels like to be him).

I take him out for special time on his own, even through the other kids feel that is so unfair. I think I am compassionate, understanding, yet aware of the fact that he and everyone around him needs him to have boundaries - I am not a parent who just says yes to avoid a row. I appreciate there are reasons for his behaviour but he needs to know it is in no way acceptable and he feels safer if he knows his parents love him enough to put in and manage boundaries, however difficult he makes it.

He is so smart and gorgeous and loving, when he wants to be or needs it reciprocated. He is emotionally intelligent so we can talk things through, not that it seems to make a difference - though like a toddler in so many ways. I adore him. I am desperate to prevent him going out into the world as an aggressive, messed up young man who hurts women and gets himself in all sorts of trouble, Time is ticking on and I am afraid for our future. He is getting too big to restrain, I have called the police on him once. He is so strong for his age. I am struggling to contain him and it is exhausting me. We have an amazing ally from the Adoption Support Team. If we could ask for more, I would because she is doing everything. What we have done for him so far has probably reduced the impact of his trauma massively. But I am afraid he is traumatising our other children, who have been through so much, and he will split the family up. I can't expect my partner and her children, who I love as much as my own, to live like this. My partner and I argue over him and the stress rolls over into our interactions with the other children so we are sometimes unfair on them. They are starting to turn on him, which is making things worse as he now feels isolated and unloved and is ramping things up, I don't blame them! They put up with so much.

Has anyone else got children and stepchildren in the mix with this kind of violence? I am waiting for NVR and a child psychology appointment, have fought for help with the soiling, have spent years on DDP, tried OT...CAMHS were absolutely useless, something has to be done about that. I have given up a great career to help him and the others - that's fine. Have made great progress with the other two subject to SGOs, one of whom used to be horribly violent and is now thriving. I was desperate to get back to work but this seems an impossible dream.

As a long termer I can recommend DDP, therapeutic parenting, Sarah Naish - all of you who haven't already, please buy the A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting and her autobiography which is so honest and will make anyone going through any of this feel better. (she adopted five siblings and has had quite a time with them. They now write books with her)

I can also give you hope, because two of mine are doing really well after very difficult starts. And I have never regretted taking them on, not for a moment. I could just really do with some advice from anyone who has been anywhere near my position right now, I can't bear the idea of letting him go or splitting the family up in any way as it would be so damaging. I'd do anything to hold it all together. It's causing so much tension between me and my partner. If we split up because of this it would be an unmitigated disaster for everyone.

What a mess, eh?

Hi there Scribbler. I’m going to suggest you look at Potato Group. Here’s a link to the website

https://thepotatogroup.org.uk

They have a closed/private Facebook page and many very knowledgeable parents who’ve experienced what you’re currently going through. I suspect you’ll get more input there from experienced adopters. Who’ve lived it themselves.

Sending you hugs Scribbler, that all sounds incredibly hard and soul destroying to deal with. All I can suggest is look at whether he has anything else going on. You mention that your children do have other things but you have not stated whether the youngest does. I assume that they are all birth siblings and as he is the youngest they usually get the worst dose of all the genetic conditions. My ad has 4 older half siblings and she has ADHD/ODD/Dyslexia/Dyspraxia and ASD. Also now looking at attachment/sensory related conditions for her. Also, has your youngest been assessed for sensory issues/disorders? Sensory processing difficulties can be a standalone disorder called Sensory Processing Disorder or they can be linked to other things eg early trauma or attachment disruptions, dyspraxia, autism, developmental delay, fragile x syndrome, ADHD and speech and language disorders amongst other things. Google Beacon House as they deal with all of this and also offer family therapy. You have a social worker on side so perhaps get her to support a full assessment of your child's needs by an organisation such at Beacon House. Also does he have an EHCP? Is he in the right type of school? Have you applied for DLA and carers allowance?

I get that you want your son to stay at home, I really do understand that. But sometimes we have to realize that our children's needs can be so overwhelming that no matter how much we try we just can't meet them. Sometimes they need around the clock professional help that we just can't provide and so us hanging on in there is actually not helping them. So my advice would be to look at assessments for any genetic conditions and also sensory issues, get a full assessment done by some one like Beacon House. Apply for an EHCP if you don't already have one and if you do start looking for a therapeutic school where he can stay Monday to Friday but come home at weekends as this will give you and your other children the breathing space I am sure you all need and it will give your son the help that he desperately needs too.

best wishesxx

Wow, thank you for your thoughtful and quick responses. Good to be able to “talk” to people who understand. I’ll definitely try the potato forum.

I am waiting for an online meeting with psychology services and will talk about further assessments though we all know how long they take. He has been assessed at Jigsaw but I didn’t find the OT work they were doing in any way helpful and decided ASF could be better spent. I do believe he has more going on that Attachment Disorder and, as has been said on here, Camhs just like to attribute everything to that. When he went there the therapist told me she couldn’t work with him because he threatened to kill her. When he was four! We have managed to get some respite for him one day a week which has given the family chance to breathe - and him too. The pressures on him to fit in at home and share my attention with everyone are a massive factor. I take him out for special one on one time but he sometimes sabotages that.

I’ll ask about a therapeutic school. He has just gone to senior school so all the brilliant therapeutic support he was getting at juniors has dropped away, which hasn’t helped. He needs help and he needs it now.

Thank you again lovely adopters community for your support.