Archived Forums

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I went through this when I had my first 2 children and felt very lonely and down for some time. Our newest addition had been with us for less than a year and I went through the same when she was placed. This time it asnt so much about not having friends who understand, because most of my friends now are also adoptive parents (my original support network died off quite quickly!). As much as I love my daughter, I can't have a conversation about Eastenders with her, or ask her opinion about what to have for tea. So I did, and still do, get very lonely some days. Does your LA/Agency hold any coffee mornings or family days for adopters? Or do Auk have a local support group near you? I have met some fantastic people at these, many of whom are now my closest friends. I really hope you start to feel better soon

Sending massive cyber hugs. The isolation can be hard. I sometimes feel I don't fit in anywhere. So get a little bit of what you are saying. Are there any AUK groups? Adopters groups in your area? Or do you feel the same way even in these groups? I have found these boards a godsend as it gives me support. But I get that its not the same as a talking to someone over coffee.Wish I had more suggestions but just wanted to send hugs and say how hard isolation can be.Minnie x

Oh nightmare!My situation isn't quite the same as I have friends of all ages and all family situations. But my cousin who I adore is pregnant and it's hard watching everyone nesting!However, where I can sympathize is the isolation. My AD is 6 and little miss bossy, very confident socially, so when my family or friends are here or we go to visit someone, she draws all the attention to herself. It's exactly what you would want as a parent, and my support network have been fab in that respect... But I feel like no one is interested in me as a real person anymore, I am just her mum and taxi driver!!You really need to find someone to talk to who understands. Can your SW put you in touch with other adopters your age?Big hugs xxx

Feel your pain.It comes and goes for me.At the mo, just about everyone I know is either pregnant or has a baby/young child. Facebook, with everyone posting pics of their babies/children is especially hard. Even friends who have had fertility problems have managed to conceive!! Love my lad soooo much, but when times are tough it hits me that a birth child may not be so complicated and that the Lad's issues are not of my making.I find it so hard to be happy for others when they announce their news about being pregnant, which makes me feel selfish, mean and an awful person.I was told that I will always feel sadness from time to time. It's so true. Can offer no practical advice, but know exactly how you are feeling. It's certainly a unique feeling.

It is so hard, I felt like this a lot before school started as you are so isolated in the 'baby' chat arena. BUT I have found a lot of kinships at school as mostly by that age the baby talk has worn off somewhat and you are more on an even heal, age wise as well. I would also see if your local authority can match you with any similar parents age wise as others have suggested maybe.

Hugs ((((Breadandbutter))))Sorry you are feeling down and isolated.I am a younger adopter and have been there feeling rather out of things in the middle of all the pregnancy/fertility conversations! Also I expect you will be desperate to talk about your new son with someone who understands and I know I always felt like I was being really vague about my LOs initially as people would naturally ask lots of questions that I didn't want to answer about their past/where they had come from etc......Hope you find people you can talk to, feel free to PM me if you like.Congratulations on your new son,OSx

Thank you all for your responses. It does help to know that I am not the only one who feels like this. I do feel like I shouldn't feel this way as I am very lucky in life generally, especially family life. DH genuinely is my best friend. It it also makes it a bit hard just chatting to someone. None of this is helped by me feeling a bit like a fish out of water in new social situations generally either. But I will contact my LA and Adoption UK about a local coffee morning, I feel like I need some friends for me. DD is going to start the nursery attached to her school in 2 weeks which I am looking forward to, as an opportunity to hopefully meet new people (although sad to "lose DD so soon). Thank you again for being so lovely and sending the much needed hugs. Xxx

Aw I know exactly how you feel. Before our LO was placed I was at work and 3 pregnancies were pretty much all announced in the same week. As well as 1 on mat leave, 1 heavily pregnant and 1 just back from mat leave. I had to leave and I spent 20 minutes in the toilet bawling my eyes out. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, we had made the decision to adopt the same as you and we are both young too. I think it was the isolation of all the baby talk and the then not knowing what age of child we would get.Our LO is with us now. He's 11 months. I love him to bits. But there are days when I feel in some ways slightly jealous of what they have. Also how hard DH and I have worked so hard to bond and attach to our LO and how people take things for granted.

I remember this well when a work colleague hid her twin pregnancy as she didn't know what to say to me.I was a health visitor at the time!!!! She then spent the next six months talking non stop about the pregnancy. I became depressed this was 13 years ago but still brings back sad memories

Adoption WAS our first choice, but to be honest, I have no time for "friends" that can't stop talking about their labour, their pelvic floor, their breast feeding, their baby's vomits, poos, hiccups etc in front of me, full well knowing I have been in the adoption process for almost three years (no match/placement yet). On the top of that, having to hear their poorly informed opinions on adoption just drives me crazy.So I decided to ditch all of them and concentrated on strengthening my relationship with my adoption friends, including thos who already have been matched. I don't mind hearing stories about their adopted children and I feel I can participate and add to the conversation. I don't miss the former lot a single bit. Regarding FB, I restricted most of them and deleted the rest. There was a "friend" from work who posted pictures of her bump every week in FB and Instagram, as well as every single one of her scans. Yes, really.I feel my life is happier when I'm surrendered by people that vibrates on the same wavelength as myself.

Hope you've found a local coffee morning, but if not try going to some of the auk training /conference events as you'll get to meet others interested in adoption and pick up lots of leaflets!Some adopters also organise non auk events, but let auk know about them, things like camping weekends and these can be a great way to meet other adopters in a less formal way.

I can remember when every conversation turned around to pregnancy and labour...yawn..yawn...They always left out the horrible bits. I wanted to ask if they all had piles!!Also I wondered why so many people knew each other, of course they'd all been to mother and toddler groups, post natal etc together. Or as I found out to my astonishment they had all been to the same school as their kids were now attending. I did find three who were interesting and we used to meet up on Fridays after school, take the kids swimming and go for fish and chips. If I was with people who didn't know ds was adopted then I felt like a fraud by not volunteering it.I couldn't sit there nodding my head.If there isn't a group near you why don't you volunteer to set one up! Just an idea but it would certainly fill that gap you feel.

Dear BreadandButterWe have private messaged you to offer support.With Kind RegardsSarahHelpline Adviser

Aww love....know how you feel It doesnt matter what our 'stories' are, they aren't typical of most people around us, so whether its adoption through choice or infertility, theres always going to be moments of isolation, loneliness and just feeling out of sorts.... It still takes me by suprise even now....recently it was realising that when I start my adoption leave, I wont have the big fuss etc we give expectant mums in work...cant choose my childrens names...will never see their first step or heard tehir first word...when everyone else around me is reminiscing about their children or looking forward to those milestones with their babiesStill avoid walking down the baby aisle in supermarkets...even though looks like being matched with a 1-yr old! Cant quite bring myself to do that yet...because I feel a fraud - Im not a 'real' mummy (yet!)!!Loneliness is awful and doesnt matter how many suggestions and good ideas people throw at you, well, TBH none of them worked for me until soemthing just 'clicked' one day and forced me to change things...its better now, but still get pockets when feel very sad...and lonely.I feel lonely with all my family and good/understanding friends living 3-hr drive away....I feel lonely when everyones talking about choosing their childrens names - and we cant! I feel lonely when explaining about something re: adoption, and despite hundreds of conversations already, a friend/relative STILL doesnt get it!!!No answers my lovely...just understand how you feel xxx

Bread and Butter:For us, the support network exercise was just that in reality.... an exercise.We thought at the time it was the real deal.... that our close people would come together to help us.But no.The reality was quite different.It's a shock. A big shock. But you will begin to discover new people: either through nursery, or school, or through AUK meet-ups and co-ordinator meetings..... it's those people who have been through the mill themselves who truly understand you.Sending you a warm hug. You are not alone when you have folks like us, pet.xx

Thank you everyone for all your support. Somehow it is helpful just to kow I am not alone! I would have to say my friends are lovely and if they thought for one second I felt like this, they would be devastated they have been very supportive generally, especially when we adopted DD. To be honest I think they forget we have adopted, gone down a different path, and don't realise how exclusionary it is to spend 3 hours talking about pregnancy. I don't want to raise it as it feels like I would be taking the glow off their happiness. I think I would just like to go out and either not be told how amazing I am for adopting, be asked 100 questions about it and my children's past but also not completely ignore it so that I feel like I can't talk about it. I am probably hoping for too much! It probably doesn't help that I don't get out much generally at the moment with 2 aged 3 and under and trying to settle/attach to DS while making sure DD gets enough "mummy time". Sigh! Thank you again everyone!

tsmum, your talk of piles made me sxxxxxx.Bread and Butter, I'm one of those same-sex coupled adopters and have never tested my fertility, but I do empathise with how alienating it can be having a different experience of parenting to all around you.I've never wanted to be pregnant but honestly, sometimes the sheer chauvinism of some birth parents is depressing. The almost hilariously unique perfection of their own particular little one, by implication always casts my adopted child as a second class citizen.I have confidence that you will find parents who share your experiences and values - and not just adoptive parents. In the last few years I've had a few valued friendships really shaken by the realisation that our values as parents are so different (elitism, horrible punitive attitudes towards children being bad and wrong) and made some surprising and lovely bonds even with people who have chosen birth parenting (e.g. real understanding of the importance of attachment). I've also discovered that most parents seem to go through a stage of hanging out with "parent friends", ie people they wouldn't usually be friends with, out of desperation/necessity. But that hopefully it doesn't always have to be that way.It does take some courage to stand your ground and trying to fit in with the playground crowd does feel like a horrible flashback to being a teenager in the playground sometimes! Well done on identifying what it is you need, I hope you meet some parents you want to be friends with.

Okay, the redacted word was snigger.It looks much ruder the way it is above.