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Awkward questions

Giulio&Alberto July 7, 2021 08:48

Hello everyone!

I am in the process of adoption with my partner and the other day we were thinking about all the silly/awkward questions that people could ask us or our child at the park/supermarket etc.. like "where is the mum?" "who is the mum?" most of them are related to the fact that we are a male couple essentially.

Did anyone experience these questions? how did you answer?

Giulio & Alberto

July 7, 2021 17:48

In the kitchen chained to the cooker like a good little woman ?

In part I think it depends how nice you want to be, because its really no one else’s business.

If I saw two men out with a child I would assume one of two things, depending on the body language a. you are a same sex couple who have a child, b. you are a dad out with your child and your mate. It wouldnt occur to me to ask where the mother is. Id like to think that it wouldnt occur to any one else either, but being a slightly non traditional family myself ( Im white, my son is black) I know this won’t be the case.

You could just tell people to mind their own business, you could just say the simple truth, ie we are gay and this is our child.

I suspect that at least some people who ask would have ‘issues’ with you having a child, so it is opening things up for further interogation.

I hope some lBGT adopters will be along with some better advice. Its good to be prepared ! Good luck

Safia July 8, 2021 10:01

You could just keep it simple and say “we are their parents” - no need to explain and no confusion over the mother issue for your child (who does have a birth mum so you cannot they there is no mum or explain where she is)

DaddynotDad July 8, 2021 14:21

I think the answer Social Workers want to hear is you will politely say the child is adopted and 'we are their parents'. I get the impression these questions are asked to gauge your comfortableness towards people realising your LGBTQ+.

In reality 5 years into adoption with our son as a same sex male couple we have not had this question once. Maybe it is because we adopted our son when he was older (7) but people just dont tend to put thier foot in it.

Our son is very unashamably open about having 2 male parents and the first few times you get outed is a little strange but you get used to it. I think trying to network with other LGBTQ+ people has help our son and would recommend it.

Someone1977 August 24, 2021 09:23

I have this question even when I’m alone - it’s quite infuriating! Being a man with a child is such a rarity and it’s embarrassing for them and for you.

I often just tell them I’m gay and leave it at that, they are often appalled with themselves then for asking.

If they then probe further I now just let my son tell them. He is small enough to have no filter and therefore just tells everybody his whole life story (his birth parents couldn’t look after him and he went to live with a foster carer and then daddy and dadda came to get him.)

When he was really little I would just say he was adopted and leave it at that - occasionally they would probe for a back story and then I would just say that it’s his story and not mine.

We haven’t been offended that often - to be honest it’s quite rare!

Adam & Rich July 27, 2022 20:44

Hi,

We have an existing 5 year old daughter and I must say we have been fortunate that in 5 years we have only encountered comments on two occasions, once when our daughter was 2 and she was having a little bit of a melt down in a supermarket, a well meaning lady approached and ignoring us she said to our daughter "Do you want your mummy, is that why we are having tears?".. I smiled and said well that would be difficult as she is lucky enough to have two daddies.. she replied with "two daddies and a mummy.. wow you lucky girl!".. I honestly think the family dynamics simply didn't enter her head. The second and this one made me incredibly angry, we treated our daughter to a trip to London to see Frozen in the West end.. on an afternoon stroll heading towards the London eye we both had hold of our daughter hand and was swinging her along, a busker shouted across on his speaker, "Look everyone two gay dads", we politely waved and continued walking, then he called after our daughter and began shouting obscenities at us about our "Unnatural" family. Thankfully she did not really notice what he was saying, we distracted her and continued our walk, we were not going to make a scene in front of our young daughter or risk her being harmed in any way. She is very lucky that her school teaches the children about all types of families. For some people there will always be that little bit of innocent intrigue, and yes absolutely it isn't anyone else's business, we are currently dealing with the "daddy why are you nd daddy married" type of questions, her school friends and their parents, teachers and and family and friends are all very supportive and are very supportive knowing we are on this amazing adoption journey as well.. be confident in your relationship and as parents and be proud knowing you are providing a forever family for your child x


Be a better person today because tomorrow is not a promise! ❤️

Simon July 31, 2022 15:43

Hi Giulio & Alberto

Good question to ask. However, in the eight years as two gay adoptive dads with our now teenage adoptees, I honestly cannot think of anything. Families in Britain today are so diverse that many folk don't batter an eyelid/think nothing of it.

My advice is to start to begin to look at "life" from the perspective of an adoptee. Particularly around relationships with school peers. Sadly, many adoptees carry a huge amount of "baggage" around with them for all the reasons we know and understand. For some adoptees having same sex parents is yet another additional piece of baggage that they have to hold; particularly in the latter primary school years/secondary school years. Helping your adoptee to build resilience when confronted/bullied at school by peers for having same sex parents will help them enormously.

Good luck with the adoption process and your adoption journey.

Simon

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