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Hi Rydal,

she has only been with you 3 months and the last thing you should be doing is leaving her with anyone else but you and your husband. So please stop taking her to the nursery. She needs to be at home with you. By all means take her to the usual playgroups where mums stay when all the restrictions are over with, which is what I did with my AD, but leaving her like this after only 3 months? - no. Yes the staff will say it is normal - and for securely attached birth children then yes it is normal but not for a child who has been removed from birth family and then foster carers - she probably thinks you are not going to come back and it will set your bonding back hugely.. Also, children who have experienced what your daughter has do not attach and settle well after 3 months believe me - it is not as easy as social workers lead you to believe. I never left my daughter's side for over 3 years -she was placed at 13 months and she was with me every day until she started nursery. I made sure that she didn't miss out on the socialising with other children and we went to lots of playgroups, but only the ones where I stayed with her.. So yes you are adding extra trauma to her - so take her out and keep her at home with you.

sorry to be so blunt - but I am an adoptive mum with nearly 13 years of experience - so please take her out of the nursery - what she is craving and needs is to be at home with you both - getting to know you, starting to learn to trust you - that you won't leave her, that you will always be there for her, - and she won't learn to do that if you disappear for 2 mornings a week.

xx

Did your nursery give you an update on how your daughter adjusted during the morning? A strong protest at the beginning of the first few sessions (often mirrored at collection) is certainly a typical, healthy response. Your own "feeling terrible" is typical as well, for the first few sessions. From an attachment perspective, it would sound alarm bells if your daughter (or you) was unemotive at first separation.

But, neurologically, attachment is strengthened through cycles of separation and restoration. Your child begins to realise that you still exist and keep them in mind, even when they can't physically see, touch or hear you. There are activities that you can do at home to help with this. For example peep-bo and hiding games. Multisensory activities are especially good e.g. talking on toy phones when you can't see each other, talking through the letterbox, waving through windows, making eye contact via a mirror, looking through tubes etc. Then there are similar strategies for the transition to nursery e.g. transitional objects and reminders that you are thinking of her all the time. Confident interactions between yourself and the nursery professionals - so that your daughter knows she is entrusted. HUGE interest in what she has done, eaten, played with, created at nursery...... pictures on the fridge etc. The transition itself will feel less abrupt if you are seeing artwork and talking about nursery activities, toys, children and staff by name during the other days of the week.

I completely agree with Windfalls - I am an ex nursery teacher / headteacher with many years experience. I would be very hesitant to do that with any two year old child and the fact that she has only been with you three months means that they definitely should not even consider it. It indicates to me that they have no understanding of how it could feel for her and the implications of her early life experiences which is not a good sign going forward. She should only be going if you are with her and if you can’t do that at the moment then wait - perhaps think of some different activities you could do with her that maybe she would have done at nursery if she is bored - painting / imaginative play / lots of stories etc / playing outdoors in the park - trying to introduce as many new activities as you can. My granddaughter is at nursery and her mum is allowed into the building to collect her as she finishes earlier than the others. In their area there are online groups for children under 5 (music / movement etc) and also some in person ones as “support” groups for parents are still allowed to run - with suitable adaptions - perhaps look into this - otherwise another couple of months with only you is very beneficial to her in the long term so try snd see it that way.

My daughter came at just over two and started at playgroup about 9 months later - I stayed with her for many sessions before she settled and again it still took her a long time to settle in school - a member of staff very kindly came to take her in when the transition was difficult. Playing with other children is important but the most important thing is building the attachment with the primary carer.

Bear in mind if a child stops crying it doesn’t necessarily mean they are settled / happy just that they have learned not to cry and may in fact be holding all the upset inside

Parenting a securely attached birth child is completely different from parenting an adopted child and I, and Safia, have both. Also bonding and attachment are not the same thing.

when you are pregnant the child begins to get to know the sound of Mummy's voice and the sound of her heartbeat. As your tummy grows Mummy also begins to bond and attach with the child. After the birth, Mummy becomes fine tuned to the voice of her baby and will attend to it's every need. Baby cries - mummy picks it up, checks to see if it needs a clean nappy/food/a cuddle. Baby relaxes because mummy has attended to it's needs. Baby cries - mummy responses - baby relaxes - baby cries - mummy responds - baby relaxes - and on and on the cycle goes and baby learns that it can trust mummy because mummy is always there. Baby bonds with mummy - loves her and also securely attaches to Mummy - trusts her. As the baby gets older it is able to deal with separation - in the way that Lettice has described above - because the baby knowsthat mummy will always come back because that is what she has always done. So mummy has put the ground work in to begin with and the child has learnt that mummy will come back because s/he is now securely attached to her.

An adopted child has had that cycle of bonding and attaching broken -and maybe more than once. If the child has spent any time at home with the birth mother and she has not attended to it's needs when it has cried, the baby learns that mummy cannot be trusted especially when she completely disappears after the child is removed and placed with foster carers. Foster carers may be good but will not be able to attend to the child's every need - they may have to take the child to contact meetings were they have to hand the child over to a social worker who then waits for "birth mum" to show up (if she does). Foster carer is not allowed to stay during contact meetings - so child has no secure base. child is constantly being left with strangers /other members of the foster carer- foster carer will also have meetings to attend with her own social worker which will increase when prospective adopters are found. Introductions begin with prospective adopters - new MUMMY and DADDY. Introductions take place may be over one or two weeks during which time , foster carer begins to leave the child with the new strangers more and more until one day the child is taken to a strange home and the foster carers also "disappear". Another "attachment" figure has disappeared. Child has learnt that people, especially "Mummies" cannot be trusted - they always leave you and will not attend to your needs.

So you leaving your daughter at nursery is only reinforcing what she already thinks about mummies - they leave you, don't attend to your needs and disappear. She cries at nursery and you walk away.

You need to stick to her like glue - every time she cries YOU need to respond and start to re-create that cycle of bonding and attachment. You in effect have to re-parent her - and as she has already had that cycle broken twice it will be even harder for her to start to attach to you - start to learn to trust you. Some children are so badly damaged by their experience that they are never able to securely attach to their adoptive parents - and end up with avoidant/anxious/ambivalent attachment styles leading to all sorts of problems as they get older.

This is why you need to take her out of nursery and keep her at home with you. Being an adoptive parent is not easy I know and it is a very intensive way to parent but if you want to give your daughter the best chance of securely attaching to both you and your husband, then you have to do it.

best wishes xx

Brilliant explanation Windfalls - it is such a long process and so gradual and can be disrupted at any time - the more time you are able to put in now the better the chances of a more settled future. My son was passed around from person to person in a large extended foster family including many neighbours - for a secure child it means they begin to feel part of a warm safe community - for him when he came to us as his fourth family at 14 mths old it meant he would go off with anybody - in the park for example - and had what would be called disinhibited social engagement disorder - which on the surface just looks like a friendly child but in fact is very risky behaviour and even now - at 23 - he doesn’t fully trust me / his mum and finds it really hard to communicate and near impossible to talk about feelings. That is with a lot of input / therapeutic parenting etc - so it’s a very long road - it’s not just a question of “settling in” either to their new home or to nursery.

Enjoy this special time with your daughter and being able to give her what only you can give her

Thank you all for you comments. Lettice thanks for your ideas, and yes the nursery said on the first day she was unsettled for about 20-30 minutes, then explored, but got a bit upset in after a while, but was ok after a cuddle, and on the second day she was fine and played, after the initial being upset. Of course this could be just the trauma being internalised, she was happy to see us when we picked her up, and has talked about nursery a little at home in a positive manner, so not sure what to make of it.

I really wanted to know if others had experienced the no settling in, and leaving at the door due to lockdown, and how to approach the nursery about this.

Safia, yes i have looked into playgroups, they are closed or full as classes need to be smaller groups, some places have said how they are booked months in advance, trying to explain that i couldn't do that, went on defs ear.

Windfall, wow your daughter didn't go to nursery until she was 4 years old.

Anyway thanks for advice, all helpful.