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I think basically if you agree with the decision when you are not stressed and suffering then it is probably right but if you feel pressured into it by your partner to prove your love then it is probably wrong. There are no guarantees in life. We all just do our best.

Thank you, rosegarden.

Hello Schmelly Would it help you to have a few sessions with a counsellor to think things through and help you come to a decision you are content with? Lily x

Thanks Lily. I have discussed it with my own counsellor already, but my partner wouldn't be up for that, I don't think. Thanks for the suggestion though.

The fact that you ask the question probably means that you should not do it. If you worry about facts like you might die, what happens to the child etc than you can go to a solicitor and make a will. If you do not like that you have different names change her name by deed poll (i think that's possible for surnames? correct me if I'm wrong) You talk about 'partner', does this mean you're not married? Maybe that should be the first step?

I agree with Pluto - the fact that you are questioning it makes me think it is not right to go ahead - at the moment anyway. Can you get clear in your own mind why you (or your partner) felt the need to adopt - what difference it would make to your lives now and in the future - and what would be the problems if he didn't adopt? As Pluto says you could do a legal change of surname if that is the issue. Many people step-parent without adopting though and it might complicate things if you ever split up. Try to think what is in the child's best interest too. I'm sure these are things which you have discussed with your counsellor anyway - but just a reminder!

" I have discussed it with my own counsellor already, but my partner wouldn't be up for that, I don't think" This statement raises alarm bells for me - in what way would your partner not be up for it - I presume you are referring to counselling. As others have suggested, if you have any doubts I think you should take a step back and only proceed if you are 100% sure its right for you and your child. If he has parental rights and you separate after adoption, he had an equal claim to the child - how does that feel? There are lots of ways to give him legal rights that allow him to parent on a day to day basis, without going for full adoption. As a pre-schooler its not something your child can have a say in as they will not really understand the concept.

Schmelly, Write down your anxieties Write down your positives, Imagine life in a few years, what would you and your partner being doing on a weekend, with HIS child, without HIS child. Draw a picture of it. Is there any difference? Which makes you happy?

what does the child think, feel about it. Maybe if they feel positive /negative about it may help you clarify your feelings.

Hi schmelly. I’m interested in why you’ve postponed before. I guess what you really need to look at is whether this is because of your ‘stuff’ (fo want of a better word) or your partner’s. You say you are already seeing a counsellor, and allude to other Issues in your life. Maybe you need to try and separate these a bit from what is going on now. Because of my parents’ divorce, I used to be incredibly self contained, not getting married, not having kids etc. Then I was forcibly made to see what an amazing man my then partner, now husband is. It was a bit of a revelation to realise how much I was projecting on to him. It took time, but it changed everything for us. I lacked trust, and now I don’t. I don’t know how old your child is, but at 3 or 4, they will have an opinion. Have you asked your partner about whether they’d consider a joint counselling session? You might be surprised. I think it’s amazing that he wants to adopt your child, has dealt with postponement and also that you are being so honest with yourself. Maybe try asking about a joint counselling session. I’m sure you will find a way through. X