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Hello Tweet2 Strangely enough our son's bedroom walls are full of holes and several doors in the house have holes in. His bedroom door is in a bad state of repair, door jamb has come away and there are nails sticking out. Mind you the doors are of poor quality. We had plans to replace all the doors in the house but with all the slamming, now may not be that time. Actually it really helped me to read your post as I had sort of got used to it. In his case the holes are some sort of 'DIY' He likes to attach things to the walls, wires and suchlike. But what are we thinking of? We have said that his bedroom is going to be redecorated and replastered (we have a plastering job elsewhere in the house someone could do his bedroom or just fill in holes at the same time) and after that absolutely no more 'DIY'. I think in our case the fact that the state of his room is the least of our worries and we arent that bothered is symptomatic of something. I think the most important thing in your post that stands out to me is the fact that his siblings are getting hurt. Social services should sit up and take notice if you highlight that fact. Who do you have 'on board'? His therapist? Do you have a post adoption social worker? On paper we have LOADS of support but at the end of the day we are the ones who are living with him and the support hasn't made that much difference in the here and now, everyday problems (with the exception of medication for ADHD that made a HUGE difference some years ago). Our son has several medical diagnoses so in our case some things are not going to change. I would phone the AUK helpline and also contact the Potato Group (just have a read of some posts and it will come up on one of them! Or some kind person may post the link. I am feeling a bit rung out typing this (or rather, rung out by the part of the iceberg I haven't posted about, not all related to our AS) :-)

Teenage years with adoptees can be really tough and sadly what you describe is not unusual - though that doesn't make it any easier to live with. I do hear that things usually do get better as they mature into their 20s - I'm waiting and hoping though I do see some glimmers of hope with my older teens. Larsti has given excellent advice....one other thought is to look up NVR which can be helpful. I am a member of Potato (Parents of Traumatised Adopted Teens) and get great support there - here is the link to the website - https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ My other thought - what are you doing to take care of yourself? As in a plane crash - you need to get your own oxygen mask on to be able to deal with this. ((Hugs))

Hello Tweet and welcome I'm an old wrinkly adopter and was just looking in today and saw your post. Firstly sending you a virtual hug as things sound really difficult for you all. Can totally relate to the holes - my son used to use any object he could find to bore or pick holes in himself and then our home. He particularly used chess pieces to bore holes in the wood of his bed unit etc - I actually tried it myself to see how much energy it required to make even a small dink in the wood let alone transform a bed frame /walls /window frames etc into something akin to a Swiss cheese plant! I had to have a plasterer and carpenter in to repair everything after he moved out. A lot of anger , loss ( the hole he felt in himself recreated) not feeling he deserved anything nice because he felt he was rubbish. Some things maybe to think about - Have you had an opportunity to review the therapy and to see what has worked (in dealing with a current issue we can overlook other areas of progress or remember how far we have come and that actually you have already succeeded in keeping a challenging but vulnerable child safe not least from themselves for many years,) and where the challenges remain and how to tackle the next goals - are you involved with the therapy? Has he had support/ therapy around his life history? Are you or other children at risk of his outbursts in which case have you discussed a safety plan in case things deteriorate further. Our son would target his half sister and it did get to the point where we couldn't keep her safe and we helped him move out at 17. Agree about building skills around NVR. What is the result of his remodelling efforts in terms of the reaction and consequences he gets or with the stealing - is he projecting/ discharging his feelings onto everyone else such that he temporarily feels better and everyone else reaps the whirlwind? Is there any way of finding some activity that would channel that energy whilst rebuilding boundaries around acceptable behaviour and learning to fix things that have been damaged even if in a small way to start with? Stealing too can come from a variety of reasons - sometimes it is an approach of reducing opportunity, understanding his triggers and motivation and what the payback from his behaviour is within the family and extended family - are his actions serving to split and isolate / generate negative attention/ negative energy? - especially for you and for your partner. I know my husband found it incredibly hard because my children targeted me and he couldn't fix that but he learned to be even more visible to the children in supporting me and showing a solid united front and helping to enforce boundaries in a firm but non confrontational way. Are you getting support for yourself and as a couple - it is so so important for you both to look after yourselves individually and especially as a couple - after our children move on and they do one way or another eventually - you will need to keep yourselves emotionally resilient. It is also a good way of showing your son you are not alone in this, you are building allies and witnesses to his behaviour which may possibly curb some of it and by taking time to look after yourselves you can reclaim psychological power in the relationship dynamic between you and your son especially as gets older/stronger. You have an absolute right to feel safe in your home and not to live day to day treading on eggshells. For us we got our son through school and into work despite his challenges but got to the point where our daughter particularly was at risk. Continuing to parent at a distance wasn't an easy choice but it kept us all safe including him whilst he matured. He is in his early 30s now - still anxious, still tries to control and project his feelings at times but fends for himself and works very hard - still breaks stuff especially his phones/tech so still a work in progress... Living with our children and some of their more challenging behaviours particularly when they are fathoming out themselves and their identity in teenage years can really impact on our physical and emotional health. Have you spoken with your GP? Do seek further help - you are not alone! You are absolutely not a failure - it is no small feat to attempt to reparent a child 24/7 that has suffered immeasurable loss and trauma against a ticking clock especially now with teenage hormones, identity issues and peer pressures amongst many other issues thrown in for good measure.

Great advice above. I would definitely recommend NVR - google Sarah Fisher NVR and her info comes up. I did the online course & it was brilliant. xxxx

Hugs to you Larsti too X