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I had loads of calls before I went to bed but luckily only had 1 in the night.

Has anyone got any advice for how to complete the EHCP application?

Also just an update on the college, the special needs college, I'm still waiting for them to come back to us to say whether they can meet her needs or not. Hopefully they can.

Hi Rosie,

I hope your daughter is able to settle soon. Your work sounds very demanding and tiring so please try and take care of yourself.

In relation to the EHCP I filled the form in but attached a letter setting out my ad's problems in more detail. So I started by stating all of her DX's and then listed all the features of that condition - eg for ASD I looked at the NAS website which lists all the features of ASD , copied this into my letter and stated how they presented in my daughter - eg poor social interaction which results in my daughter finding friendships very difficult. I included examples as well. I sent copies of all DX assessments, salt and ot reports as well as all relevant school reports that showed difficulty with her behaviour. When we go to see her ADHD doctor the school fills in teacher feedback forms and so I also sent copies of these to show how the school where finding her behaviour. In relation to the section concerning her behaviour on a typical day I filled it out on the basis of what she is like on a really bad day - so you must not minimise her behaviour. As your daughter is older I think there is a section about social care needs and so you should also state that she needs help with independent living skills and also help with keeping herself safe both online and in the real world because her needs make her extremely vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Throughout the form you need to emphasize how vulnerable she is due to her overlapping complex needs and how these needs mean that a mainstream college setting is completely inappropriate for her as they are unable to meet her needs. Therefore she needs to be in a specialist setting with small class sizes, a nurturing environment and teachers who are qualified and experienced in meeting her needs. Use the evidence of what happened in her current college to show why mainstream is not the right environment for her.

It takes time to fill the form out, took me days to do it, but it is important that you include everything in it. I found by taking my time with it, I was able to remember a lot more examples of her behaviour which I was then able to include.

Best wishes xx

I am sorry for not responding, I had a fanstastic evening myself...

Good luck with the EHCP!

Could you give the college another call and have a nice chat in which you emphasise that you think they would be a really good fit? Are you good at that kind of thing? I know parents who have chatted their children into schools.

Sorry for not responding sooner!

I'm at a complete loss today! I can't decide whether her dad is overreacting or not!

Basically, she's gone to his from yesterday until tomorrow because he asked if he could have her for 3 days and threatened court if I refused so I just let him because I couldn't deal with another legal case! Stupid me for letting him I know!

Then he's called me this morning and said that last night she "spilt milk on her pyjamas while having supper, she wanted to change them but I told her not to, she just changed them anyway while getting ready for bed and then lied to me this morning and said she hadn't changed them when I asked her why she did, so I've grounded her" (how he worded it to me)! I can't decide whether he's overreacting or not. Anyway, she's coming back her this afternoon because she's said she wants to come back. I'm also back on our work on-call duty tonight but hopefully I don't get any (or not many!) Calls or emails tonight.

windfalls- thank you for the excellent advice, I've started the form and have filled it in like her behaviour on a bad day, like you said to and have followed the rest of the advice you gave. Thank you so much for all the advice about how to fill in the EHCP.

chestnuttree- I'm glad you had a fantastic evening. I have gave the college another call like you said. They are still "assessing whether we (the college) can meet her needs", they said they will let me know within 7 days but it's nearly been 3 weeks and they still haven't!

Quick update, tonight is going well thankfully

Thank you for being so gracious, but I was actually being ironic. I had a terrible evening back then. Sorry for not being more clear! I hope you will have a better evening today.

Hi Rosie,

Yes your ex is completely over reacting. Why wouldn't your daughter want to get changed after spilling milk on herself?

I get the feeling that the only reason he wanted your daughter at his was so he could continue to bully and intimidate her into doing what he wants. If I were you I would call his bluff and tell him that she is no longer staying at his and if he wants to go to court then so be it. Tell him you would welcome the opportunity to tell the court that not only is he currently refusing to pay maintenance, but he is committing benefit fraud by claiming benefits for your daughter that he is not entitled to and that he has persistently intimidated and threatened both you and your daughter.

In reality he is unlikely to be able to afford legal action so I would stand my ground. Bullies need to be stood up to.

Glad you are making progress with the EHCP.

Chestnut hope things are better.

Xxx

Fantastic reply Windfalls - I was going to say something similar but you’ve put it so much better and more fully. I was going to say of course she’d want to change out of her pyjamas - why is that a problem? - why does he want to control it? - and why does he think it’s an issue for grounding? Also why is he talking to you about “letting” her go? She’s 17 isn’t she? It’s her decision - and she has cut the visit short - I would let her know it’s her decision and that you will support her whatever she decides. I think it’s extremely unlikely a court would decide in his favour anyway or have anything to do with it to be honest

I'm so sorry for not replying sooner. So everything was going well until today. She's still volunteering at her old primary school. She's supposed to be starting at that college 'as soon as possible' before September. But then today I had a call from the pastoral/safeguarding team at her old high-school to say that someone who is in year 10 there has reported to them that they've received messages (Apparently on social media) from my daughter (or someone claiming to be my daughter?!) Asking them for fights etc. And being threatening.

The member of staff who called me said she will call me back when she has 'further information', there saying they are 'absolutely sure' it was my daughter who sent them and not someone with a fake account calming to be her. When I spoke to my daughter before she said "I just want to be crystal clear that I have not done this"! But when she was a high school there was 2 similar incidents like this involving social media where my daughter made another account and asked people for fights etc, she originally denied both incidents until the school showed her proof. I want to believe her when she says she's not done it but how do I know if she's telling the truth or not. I just don't know what to do.

We're are still in contact with her foster careers and still see them sometimes, I was thinking of speaking to them to see if they would have any advice or have dealt with something similar before but don't want to mither them!

I've looked through my daughter's phone and there's nothing on there! But what if she's deleted it!

I just don't know what to do anymore!

My husband is convinced my daughter did it and has told her that he thinks she is lying!!

Hi,

Been awake most of the night with her because she's upset. My husband has unfortunately screamed at her this morning when she was saying it wasn't her that did it. He screamed at her saying "listen your guilty" and then when she said she wasn't then he said "you bloody well are"!!

I just don't know what to do anymore!

Hi Rosie,

I am so sorry that this has happened. All I can suggest is that you wait until the high school provides more information- ask them for copies of what has been sent on social media. Does your daughter know this child in year 10? Could the school be jumping to conclusions because of the previous incidents? Can you get in touch with your daughter's phone provider and see if anything has been deleted? I think what you really do need to do is tighten the security on your daughter's phone - can it be linked to yours so that you can see everything that she is posting? I am afraid that I am not very tech savvy and so have no idea on whether or not this can be done.

If I were you I would tell your daughter that you do believe her but that to ensure that she doesn't keep getting "blamed" for things like this in the future then you need to put some controls on her phone use. You can present it on the basis that by doing this it will give her protection as YOU will be able to show evidence that it wasn't her.

On a positive note - if you can see it this way - this provides more evidence as to why she is in desperate need of an EHCP and why she also not only needs a specialist college but also SaLT and OT as they will be able to work with her in order to teach her how to keep herself safe both in the real world and online as she is clearly very very vulnerable. She needs social skills and independent living skills training.

Also have a think about the previous incidents - did they occur at specific times in the day/night and also think about the circumstances surrounding them. Look and see if they occurred because she was particularly stressed/anxious - look and see if there are any particular triggers. Both you and her have been through an awful lot over the last couple of months and I am just wondering if it has occurred (if it has) because of her current high stress levels? Don't forget she has been desperately worried/anxious about birth family turning up, you have moved house, her dad has been less than supportive too. Stress is accumulative and doing stuff like this may well be the consequence of it all.

Go and see your GP and see if you and your husband can be referred for counselling- this may help you both deal with what is going on in a safe environment.

sending you hugs Rosie. Life should not be this hard. xxx

Why is her old school contacting you with an allegation and no evidence? Surely, they should first gather evidence and then make an allegation, particularly in this situation. Besides, your daughter is no longer at the school, so why are they getting involved? As before, I would again ask them to contact you only via your solicitor, to provide evidence for any allegations and to stop the drip feeding. What they are doing amounts to harrassment. This has had negative consequences for your daughter and yourself now and it is not even clear what has happened and if it was your daughter.

Your husband's reaction is unhelpful and shows the stress you are all under. I think counselling is a good idea.

What does your solicitor say? Has any disciplinary action been taken against the SENCO, the Vice head, governor etc. by now?

I agree with windfalls on the phone. If your daughter has an iphone you can set screen time and limit access to certain apps. You cannot see messages on your device though. If she is on an adroid, you can set it up in a way that you see every message I think. You can find a lot of information on that on the internet. Mobile phones really are a curse! I am pressing thumbs that she did not do it.

Hi,

So her old high school rang me back on Friday and wouldn't tell us anything else besides saying it happened over the past few weeks and was on Instagram and they have seen screenshots. They won't show us the screenshots and are saying that they won't tell us anymore about it and they said the other children and there parents are not taking it further and are not going to the police about it. My daughter still strongly insists it wasn't her. My husband is convinced she's lying because of the previous incidents. He's taken her phone and has said she "can't have it back for quite a few months because she needs to prove she can behave with a phone". I tell my daughter I believe her but now she thinks I'm lying to her and secretly agree with my husband so now she's convinced I don't love her (I do love her) and is saying she doesn't want to be here.

I just don't know what to do . I want to believe she's telling the truth but my husband tells me not to believe her.

I actually sympathise with her because I grew up with a mother that was always convinced I was lying when I was telling the truth and would always punish me for supposedly lying saying I hadn't done something when I was actually telling the truth that I hadn't done it. It crushed my confidence as it was day to day and I just don't want my daughter to feel the same.

I would block the school's numbers on your phones. A screenshot is no evidence.

I would say to my daughter "I don't know if it was you or not. I hope not." since that is the truth. It is sad for her that you cannot believe her without question, but that is a natural consequence of her previous behaviour. I would talk about the difference between someone's behaviour and them as a person though. We all behave badly sometimes and make mistakes, but that does not make us bad people or unloveable.

Your husband needs to stop telling your daughter she is lying if he has no evidence. Telling her "she needs to..." will not enable your daughter to do it. As windfalls has said, you need to find ways to control her phone use to support her.