Feeling desperate. Our 15yo AS is driving us to distraction. He hates being in our house - he comes home to eat and sleep, but the rest of the time is wandering the streets or in the flat of someone we are really not sure is at all trustworthy. We think he is experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and are concerned he is at risk of grooming. He is secretive and deceitful with us, and steals a range of items - we no longer keep cash in the house, a few weeks ago a diamond necklace went missing, although we offered him an out on that, saying it would be really lovely if it were found in the house somewhere, and it mysteriously turned up again a bit later. Any behaviour agreements drawn up are simply ignored, and there are very few sanctions we can apply to a 6 footer (I am 5ft 2!). Even food - we have just eaten the last two pop tarts from a pack of six boxes, most of which we found empty. The family agreement had been that we open a box of six as a family, but once the box was open anyone could have them. Yes, it's only pop tarts, but it is indicative of the utter contempt he holds for household rules. Yet on the other hand, he still demonstrates his love for us while proclaiming his hatred. When there was a violent assault near our house, his first thought was to phone me and tell me not to go out for my planned run until it was safe. Unfortunately his second was to go straight along to the scene... And today he is in inclusion at school (again!) but begged to be allowed to do the cookery practical first lesson, as he knew he had upset me this morning and wanted to bring the profiteroles home to say sorry. We now have a social worker who I think will be putting him as the highest level of risk and need of intervention. But I just feel broken. I am pouring out all the love I can, and am just getting so much hatred and hostility in return. He is even worse with his dad. I think I just needed to vent to people who understand, but if anyone has any tips or ideas I would be so grateful!
Teenage son determined to ruin his life!
Not sure why my post isn't showing up?
I’m so sorry, your situation sounds incredibly tough. I don’t have any useful advice as it already sounds like you are handling everything as best you can & that he is at that super difficult age where aggression & risk taking behaviour comes to the fore. I do love that he thought to phone you to keep safe, thats actually amazing, not sure my daughter would think to do similarly! Hang on to that because you must have done something right for him to show that level of thought & empathy, however brief it was!
All I can say is keep on going - that he thinks of you and wants to make you profiteroles is huge. It may not feel it but it is. My 15 yr old wouldn't do that (and doesn't go to school to be able to do that) nor would my 14 year old, who is only able to attend a special needs setting for a few hours a day. Concentrate on self care, you are doing really well, connect with other local adopters of teens if you can. Your son is struggling but he is trying in his (dys)functional way. Its not your fault or your husbands, its not his fault. The truama is not of his or your making but it is making his tough teenage years even tougher.
You may want to gently point out to your social worker that getting a bit of budget in supporting you now will save SW a lot of money in the medium terrm, if god forbid, things go south in your family or your boy gets into serious trouble - we all know that a stay in prison is more expensive than a stay at the Ritz etc etc.
Is he getting all the help he needs at school? AUK have been invaluable for us in signposting us to banging the drum in particular for our youngest (14 yrs) AS.
This too will pass....sending ❤️
I’m sorry also to hear what you’re going through and want to reach out as we are almost in the same position. Our 15 year adopted son has told us he no longer sees us as his parents. His behaviour at school has worsened including exclusions, he steals, drinks, takes drugs and is very vulnerable. We don’t see him at home unless he is sleeping or raiding the cupboards for food. He doesn’t wash and is rude to all of us including his birth sister. It’s so hard to access support although we are trying and self care is needed i know but i live my life on end and am suffering terrible anxiety. I hope just by being on the forums we can connect with the same emotions and get through this tough time.
I couldn't read this without responding. I am sorry you are going through this. Have you heard of the Potato Group? It is a support group for parents of adopted teens. If you Google it then you will find them. I have not used this myself, but have heard lots of good things about them so it may be worth a try. Hearing from others that have been through what you are going through and knowing you are not alone will hopefully help.
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