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I was reflecting earlier today how 6 years ago i would not have felt so positive about long term outcomes for our 4 adopted sons. like many we experienced violence,theft,2 of cars being stolen by them . gambling, drugs .school refusal. debt . prison .etc at the time one was living in a unit for young adults with some mental health difficulties. we were deliveri ng bags of food and leaving them in the car park there . He would collect them when he saw us drive out. 6 years later now in his early thirties he and his girlfriend have a strong mutually supportive relationship. they manage their finances very well. When they had to move flats after 4 years because their landlord sold their flat they organised their move to a new cheaper town 80 miles away .were prepared to ask people if they had spare furniture , saved up for some new things,and have a lovely cosy flat where they are bringing up their baby .making home cooked food .going for walks on the cliffs and sending supportive reflective texts to us . We enjoy our monthly visits. another son now 25+ moved back to the town he lived in til he joined us aged 8. spends some time with wider birth family ( who are supportive not damaging) has friends and texts most days .he is doing an internship in a church. has completly stopped smoking cannabis which had caused him to loose jobs and get into debt He has managed to blend the 2 parts of his life -keeping in 2-3 times a week touch with us , his god parents and family friends and also seeing birth cousins and a half sibling This ability to reflect and not just see us as people who did a job called being parents but now as people he wants to love and keep in touch with started to come about the age of 25. our youngest is a graduate .works has lots of money saved and is able to enjoy friendships with many people. he shows us love and is supportive of the other 3. only one remains very troubled .living in hostels . demanding money on his terms etc. his learning disabilties make it hard for him to reflect and its hard to keep a boundried relationship with him so he knows he is loved but his behaviour does not overwhelm us. but somehow we have got to a place where they are mostly caring, respectful ,want us in their lives. we can enjoy our grandchildren and as we head into our 60s can say its been very very tough at times but we are proud of our sons and how they are becoming adults who can give and receive love .manage their lives . show interest in our lives and show care to us . but it has taken them very challenging teens and early twenties to get there for those of you still struggling with negative relationships,stress etc please take care of yourselves and try to keep the thread of hope however thin it is for your children