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Yes Pluto, there seemed to be a huge chasm between what Bop said (hugs and all :-) ) and the response. Its a shame because there is such a wealth of support and advice and (mostly) goodwill on these boards.

Unfortunately we’re not psychic here so werent to know you were a trained counsellor. However even had we known I’m sure we wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to think you knew it all. Who does? I can see nothing wrong or offensive in Bop’s response - like most here she was trying to understand. But hey that’s life. I hope you find the support you and your child need elsewhere. Best of luck

Sorry I misunderstood you fortysomething - when you said you felt like you had Munchausens, it reminded me of times like that with my eldest and I now think projective identification was beneath her behaviour. I always thought that being a counsellor would be a huge asset as an adoptive parent as you would understand stuff that many of us have to research or discover accidentally. Sadly your experience with school is not unusual - many of us have found schools to be very difficult environments for our children and many schools are not ready to listen to parents (or other professionals) when we suggest different strategies. I hope you can find a way forward - some parents have felt the need to change schools to something that suits better.

And it's not just school - my GP rolled her eyes when I said I thought my daughter had ADHD when she was about 8 then she watched her as she wandered round and round the surgery touching everything and climbing on the couch - but didn't change her mind - it was more than 10 years later she was finally diagnosed as at that time I took the GPs word for it as she was the one at the practice specialising in work with children. So sadly a common experience not just with schools! Hope you manage to find the support you need - it can be very lonely at times

Hi, Yes. Sorry everyone. I did react to Bop badly, so especially sorry to you Bop. My response was fueled by an odd response to a previous post where I was asking what people thought of my daughter being sat on her own in class and someone gave it the "why was I overreacting..have a look at myself...etc". Sorry sorry sorry, thanks for your lovely response, Bop. No offence meant but it feels like me against the system and the insinuation from school is I am imagining my child has difficulty with peer relations when she is perfectly fine. I know that's not true. Anyway thanks for your time.

I am glad you haven't disappeared after all fortysomething. Have you got resources to share with teachers about the particular problems children who are fostered or adopted from the care system experience? The Louise Bomber book Inside I'm Hurting is one. And I haven't looked at this but just today I was looking at Timpson website and there are 3 free booklets one of which is aimed at teachers https://www.timpson-group.co.uk/alex-timpson-trust/free-books/ Don't know if either if those would be helpful in your situation?

Well, yes. I think I know which post and poster! My kids are older now - one in 6th form and my other two absolutely thriving in special ed. I would always say to trust your mummy radar. Our hv was insistent that my son was not adhd. Well guess what? He was! And asd. Keep notes. Of everything. Oh everything in writing so if/when the time comes that you need to do an SAR it’ll all be in writing. Been there. Our kids are complex and most of us are still learning on the job. I’m 17 years in ... the teenage years are a whole new experience and I’ve another teen and a pre teen so have to endure it another twice!

No worries fortysomething - thanks for the apology. We have had mixed experiences with school - some are great and really get attachment and trauma stuff and want to do the best to support our kids - and some know it all and are unable to listen - it all comes down to individuals (and I suspect how secure they are in themselves). My girls could both put on a façade at school of all being fine, so getting support was an uphill battle; my son acted out so got blamed (as did we) and was eventually pushed out. As others have said, its not just school - SW can be as bad, as can health as well as other parents and friends and family. Adopters tend to need to develop a thick skin, perseverance and patience, along with skills in advocacy and training to deal with the "professionals" and in my experience that side can be even more draining than the parenting side.

Thanks again all for all the good advice and your forgiveness! Just to give those interested some appreciation of why I've been so wound up, here is just a snippet..... The newish SENDCO phoned me two days ago to say that a referral for a community paediatric assessment had been made by the school in 2016, but the paediatric department had not received it.....furthermore this new SENDCO had no concerns about my ad, so would not be doing another one! (This is despite a very well respected GP, who specializes in mental health and a consultant paediatrician, recommending a referral ) No apologies, or acknowledgement of how this news would make me feel. When I expressed concern about a current matter of bullying, my ad not feeling safe at lunchtime and not having anyone else to play with, the Head held his hand out to me and told me to "stop", that I couldn't comment on what happened at school as I wasn't there and my ad was perfectly happy in play. Our school now have an adoption champion who is fab, former foster carer, totally "gets it" about my concerns and appreciates that there is an issue with relationships, but she advised that my ad needed something in between her current school and a special school, as she did not expect current school to meet her needs! It is all so jaw-droppingingly odd and I must go back to some mindfulness practice because I am becoming so consumed by the injustice of it all. Anyway, our local MP is a paediatrician, so I will definitely put something together for her - it does not seem sensible that a SENDCO with ?? knowledge can override experienced medical professionals. THANKS AGAIN TO ALL:)

I can see why you are so wound up ) I am wound up for you! I have issues with my boy's HT, who pretends she gets it, but often doesn't . And I totally agree about there needing to be school between mainstream and special needs. My Ad ended up at a private school with a more therapeutic ethos, which hasn't been perfect (where is!), but has suited her down to the ground. But it's not what I set out aiming for! x

I soooooooo agree with you both about the gap in education between mainstream & special needs. My dream would be to set up a school that caters for our children's needs. xxxx

https://www.beechlodgeschool.co.uk/ It can be done. We need more Beech Lodges :-) I should say I have no connection with Beech Lodge but followed its development with interest. I am sure they would be willing to share their experience with anyone hoping to do something similar.

I think I did know that this amazing place existed, looks a dream! Now if only I hadn't moved to uni in the midlands in my 20s & then stayed 'cos I met my husband, it would practically be down the road from me. Maybe I need to move us all in with my parents ;)

A couple of questions -the HT saying you couldn't comment as you weren't there - was he? Of course you should be able to bring in things your daughter has told you that they are not aware of and they should be able to accept it as her / your perceptions even if different from theirs. It seems very much the standard school experience - some staff get it - some staff don't - and those that do it's often just getting it in theory as they still adhere to standard (often inappropriate) school practices. My son's experience of secondary was very like yours - the "halfway house" for us was the supported learning (SEN) department at college - but you don't want to wait that long! Could you ask the GP to make the referral? You really need to get some answers . Write down all your concerns - with examples - failing that could you go through Post Adoption?

Hi Safia, No the Head is not normally present at lunchtime, but he did comment to me weeks ago that he noticed my ad was playing with two other children who had "issues" and it was "interesting" how these three children were attracted to each other (pretty logical and par for the course, I wondered why he hadn't noticed that's how society forms!). We have given up on assessments now. My ad has made brilliant progress at home and our family relationships are strong, so we are considering moving her to a more nurturing school and will take great care when deciding which secondary school she attends. I wish I had been a lot more aware when starting her at school. It is so hard to know what's best when, on the surface, the schools all look good and they don't announce that they are not making an effort with the atypical children. I will be putting pressure on this school though, whether or not my ad is a pupil, because we adopters are each fighting individual battles and, in the meantime, the pupil premium is not being invested properly. I have contacted the Virtual school who can offer advice and they have been very interested in our experiences and very helpful. Thanks again:)