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Anonymous November 10, 2013 15:52

So firstly a bit about us. Im 20 years old and my fiancÃ© is 28, we are getting married next March on what will be our 2 year anniversary. We both work full time and have lived together for 18 months and have 2 cats we haven't tried for children yet (so we don't know if we can or cannot have any naturally) although we would really like to become a family. I don't feel ready to have a baby naturally as I don't feel that pregnancy is right for me just now but that being said we would really like to have children and start our family and so we have been looking into adoption for the last year and this is where our questions begin... So yesterday we went to a van in our town centre that wants to get people in that would be willing to adopt and foster. While we were there we spoke to a father of adoptive children and a social worker. My first question was what seems to be the biggest hurdle we will have to 'jump'. My age ! I asked both if my age would be a problem(we are looking to start the process in about a years time so i will be 21) and the answer I got was more or less a yes. We were told that although we meet all the criteria (21 and over, rent our own home, have stable jobs and income and so on) on paper they don't advise anyone to adopt before the age of 23 as they encourage them to experience more life (more or less their words). We were told that we should maybe have biological children first and try again in say 5 years time. My question is do YOU think we will fail at the first hurdle simply because of my age ? We see it as we meet the criteria asked for, we are keen to start a family and this just happens to be the way we would like to do it. This isn't something that has come off the top of ours heads and is a topic often deeply discussed in our home. We don't understand why we are being told that there is a good chance that we won't even really be considered when we have everything they are asking for ! All we really want is a chance and I believe anyone that came and spoke to me and saw us would see that I'm not just another 20 year old and that I am a lot maturer then others my age. We were also told that not having our own children first could be bad for us but we see it as if we adopt we will have the time and energy to give the children (we would like 2 siblings) all the attention they need and be able to help them make more progress in our home and to feel happy and safe here. We would like you're help to make this wish/dream become a reality for us and would like to be as prepared as we can be when it comes to the time for us to make that final decision to go ahead or give up on it all for now. Please can somebody help us ? We just want encouragement that although this could be a long and hard process for us it is something we can active and that you yourself may have had you're own barriers that you have been able to concur. Please be nice and thank you from both of us.

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Imp November 10, 2013 16:22

Sorry, I am going to agree with the advice you were given. You are young, you have not been with your partner very long, you say that pregnancy wouldn't be right for you now, yet you want children now. Believe me, pregnancy is a doddle compared with adoption. Adoption isn't just a way of 'getting a ready made family', These precious children need and deserve the very best, mature, settled, resilient parents, and I am afraid that being in your early 20s with two cats really doesn't begin to meet the criteria

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Donatella November 10, 2013 16:31

Agree with Imp totally. If you're not ready for pregnancy then how can you be ready for motherhood? Do you have any idea of the sort of children who are placed for adoption? We're not talking about relinquished babies - we're talking more children like baby Peter, Daniel pelka. Children who have experienced, neglect, trauma, abuse - both pre and post natally. Sorry but no, I'm afraid I'd agree.

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Anonymous November 10, 2013 16:38

I don't believe that having 2 cats means I meet the criteria. We meet the criteria because we have everything they are asking for on paper. I'm not looking for a ready made family and I'm not expecting it to be a doodle adopting ! We are willing to work hard, be there for a for a child no matter what. I have suffered for emotional neglect growing up after my father passed away I have suffered with depression and I have self harmed. All things I have been through and managed to see the better side of life after ! I will never understand what its like to be a chlid waiting to be adopted but I know what its like to feel alone and I know that it's something that doesn't have to be that way ! We are will to help and want to help !! We are here for the children and want to adopt and people that seem to think that we aren't educated on the subject of adoption and are just trying to get a ready made family are the people that are hurting a child by not giving everyone a fair chance to prove that they can be a good mother and father despite age !

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Donatella November 10, 2013 16:50

No we're not hurting a child be having an opinion on whether someone is or isn't at the right time in their lives to adopt. The people who hurt children are the families they're removed from I'm afraid. You asked for people's thoughts and that's what you've been given. When you say you'll be there for a child no matter what, what does that mean exactly? When he's lashing out at you - hitting, kicking, spitting at you - or another child? When he's throwing chairs around the classroom? When he's hurting your two cats? When he's 'splitting' you and your partner? When you're battling school to get him statemented or camhs to get him diagnosed? Or PAS to get him therapy? Because that's the reality.

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Anonymous November 10, 2013 17:21

I mean no matter what. Children in care are passed from home to home and they have felt abandoned and insecure. People act out because it's easier to push others away then to be left behind or feel abandoned. We want to adopt and so would never give up on what I had chosen to create (the situation I have put myself in) they need to see that you are there for them and you aren't going to leave when they act out or say nasty things. They would be my children and you don't give up on family or life !! I'm not saying I would find it hard and that I wouldn't have days when I wondered why but it's something that's bigger then me and I have the strength to beat depression and over come other battles I have had to fight so I could and can do this and I can show any child that things cane better and things can be okay and no matter what we are there for them because they are ours and we love them !!

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Serrakunda November 10, 2013 17:22

the thing you need to get your head around is that its not up to you whether you can adopt. You have to be assessed and approved by a panel. Its not enough to have houses and jobs and all that stuff, thats just gets you off the starting blocks. I too dont understand how you say you are'nt ready for pregnancy but are ready to start a family. Are you saying that you want to have biological children later on - because if so you may find that the demands of an adoptive family will rule that out and that may create issues for you. The assessment process is very intrusive, you will be grilled about your motivations, why you dont want to have birth children at this point, are you planning birth children in the future and if so how will you feel if you then can't do so - they will also look at the issues around your depression and self harming. Neither of these in themselves would rule you out, but they will be looking to ensure there are no unresolved issues there. You are still both very young, I know the 'criteria' say you have to be 21 but in reality the vast majority of adopters are much older. There is a lot to be said about having some life experience behind you. I had a tough time growing up and experienced depression in my teens, but I dont think that qualified me to adopt at 20/21 and I was a lot more mature than my peers. You really are better off heeding the advice you were given, put some more time into thinking through your thoughts about birth children and reconsider in three or four years time. You would still be young in adoption terms and you would probably have a better chance at being accepted. I was 47 when my son came home!

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Flosskirk November 10, 2013 20:03

Hi there, I think it's great that you are asking for some advice here. I hope that at some point you are able to offer a home to a traumatised child - like you have already picked up, the kids in the UK needing adoption do tend to have had a pretty bad experience - but maybe right now isn't going to work . Adoption agencies approve people they think will be matched with a child - it is an issue for all sorts of people to get an agency to take them on, because at the end of the day, it is the social workers with the children needing adopting who choose the adoptive parents. People can get approved because they meet the criteria and then find it incredibly difficult to be placed with children - the reasons vary but include things like having too many dogs, being too old, being too young, living above a shop....... So seriously, you can be approved and then that's still only part of the process and many agencies really will only take those people on who they think they can get matched easily - and that may not include you. I think that's hard, and it's one of the reasons the Government is looking to try to get people through the process more efficiently. But still, the reality is that you would have to find a social worker prepared to choose you. And many won't, just because you are going to be a high risk for them - you have other options for one thing and they need to know that the people they place children with will stick with it 100%. Are you aware that you would probably be placed with an older child? How do you feel about missing out on the baby or even toddler years? If you are okay with that, why? This may not relate to you, but be aware that one of the red flags for social workers is people who don't want to go through a pregnancy because of their own personal issues to do with intimacy and attachment. It is definitely something a social worker would want to explore with you - wanting to help children is admirable, but being able to parent a traumatised child does take some doing and I think it's only fair to tell you how many mature people find it next to impossible. Have you considered fostering as this would give you some insights and some good experience for later. Good luck.

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REM November 10, 2013 22:14

I think that 'have your own birth children first' is very silly advice. We have two adopted children and a (a fair bit younger!) birth child. Honestly, I think adopting would have been more of a shock if we'd had birth children first. I think our adopted boys did better being our only children. We were considered very young at twenty five when we began the assessment process. It was talked about during the home study. If you really want to adopt, prepare for a long process and consider approaching several agencies (voluntary as well as local authority, nearby authorities as well as the one in which you live). Good luck, and keep us posted!

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Vester November 12, 2013 10:18

21 is very young, SS prefer people to have had life experiences first and lived a bit before taking on the uncertainty surrounding adopted children. Whether you have birth children before or after adopting can be debated. Most LAs want you to have grieved for the children you wont have and commit 100% to adoption. Many adopted children would not cope with a birth child coming along. We have adopted twice and though wanted to adopt a third time we have now had to change this due to the trauma triggered in my son from seeing his 'baby' sister being looked after properly. No one knew the level of neglect he suffered as a baby, if it had been known he would have needed to be an only (or the very youngest) child which would have meant we were not a match for him. Other than him having some challenging behaviour there wasn't anything in his reports or known to SS that would have given us any warning of what would happen.

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Aquarelle November 12, 2013 20:09

I think everyone's got points here that are worth looking into further â you will be asked all this by social workers again and again. However at the end of the day your motivation, commitment and ability are what matters. And if you can prove to an agency that you are fully aware of what you're getting yourself into, can bring a loving nurturing (healing) home to a challenging child and will thrive in this new lifestyle, then why not, it's not for us or anyone to say don't go there. My personal view? You're a bit young and not been with your boyfriend for long, you should take a few years learning about parenting therapeutically, read and study a lot, work with children, also live a young person's life. Then if you're still with your partner then and are both happy to not try for your own biological children... then you're probably ready to make a real good job! It's truly lovely to hear that young people want in, I sincerely wish you continue on this route. I myself had the opposite argument: I'm too old! will be an old lady by the time my child is a teenager â luckily another agency took me seriously, telling me age doesn't matter that much. All the best to you both.

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Pear Tree November 13, 2013 00:37

First Great you are keen to look at adoption I adopted my older 2 when I was a bit (not much) older than you as I'd had quite a lot of life experience for my years However I would advocate strongly having bc first I had my bc after ac (little surprise) but it's been hRd in fact at times impossible to do this safely with traumatised children home here too So Wondering if you could live with the idea of bc the wait and see ? Some of make the decision to not have bc but worry of pregnancy is clearly a determining factor for you - perhaps addressing this element might help?

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Lilythepink1 November 13, 2013 11:21

Hi, I wanted to pick up on one particular point. Several people have commented that "if you're not ready for pregnancy, you're not ready for adoption" or suggested that you should try to have birth children first. I just wanted to note that it is not, in my experience, necessary to explore having birth children first. If you are clear that you don't want to have birth children, don't want to go that route, then adopting can be a first choice. Adopting was a first choice for my partner and I as it is for many lesbian adopters we know - we have a choice to exercise our fertility, but decide not to. I have met heterosexual adopters on this board who have made the same decision. Making a positive decision to adopt as a first choice is just that: a positive decision to parent a child who is out there and who needs you. I would take anyone to task who suggested that it would always be preferable to have birth children if you can. HOWEVER, I was very clear about two things when I made this decision (in my 30s as it happens). I definitely didn't want birth children, not just didn't want them at this stage That adopting would mean that I was 95% sure I couldn't change my mind. People do have birth children after adopting but not all adopted kids will cope emotionally with this. My answer when anyone asks me whether I ever would have BC is that I would never make my adopted children feel "second best". For what it's worth HappiPill, I applaud you for your interest in adoption and fostering too. I think it's brilliant. I also would think that any 20-year-old was too young to be making that commitment. You do need life experience - even advocating for your children when social services and the care system have let them down takes resources and experience. Good luck with your journey.

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Hannahd82 November 13, 2013 12:30

I think it's great you are looking into adoption, however I do agree that maybe you are a little to new into your relationship, My partner and I have been together for years and we were considered to have not been together very long by the adoption panel. I believe there is a two year minimum though. I can totally understand how you feel I started wanting children when I was in my early 20's, however when i looked at my life, my finances and where i was as a person I realised that I needed to make some big changes. I have been working hard to pay off all my debt over the last 5 years to be able to provide for a child, I have moved into my own home, my partner and I have worked on our relationship so that we are solid, We have had to look at ourselves and the way we live, eat, work and spend our spend our spare time. We have had to prepare our families, attend training courses and information evenings, have time off work to have socail worker visits, we have had to analyse ourselves, our lives, open old wounds and then deal with them as an adult. We have had profiles of children that have been horrific and have had to look at if we could cope with everything an adoptive child comes with. 90% of the children who are placed for adoption are either mentally, physically, sexually or emotionally abused, or have been neglected to the point where they are so independant that they feel they do not need a parentand will more than likely reject you for a fair amount of time... can you deal with that? a child that tells you that they hate you and dont need you? and then you have the other side of the spectrum... you have the children that have sever medical problems, that may need you to be by there side for the rest of your life.. i mean forever when your 80 and still needing to take them shopping to buy food. to help bathe them and look after themselves... I have every respect for you for choosing to Adopt and I would like to wish you all the luck in the world woth your journey if that is what you should choose, but please, please make sure you aware of the kind of child/children you are going to be parenting and be prepared that you are making a decision for life. If you want this so much and are serious about it then where is the harm in waiting until the circumstances are right... as the children deemed .... The Children Who Wait ...... we are also The Parents That Wait.... Waiting will be something you will have to become accustomed too when adopting.... I have waited almost 10 years... now 31 and I was approved at Panel yesterday..... i am still waiting for my child and will continue to do so until the time is right for he/she who ever they may be....... Here lies the saying "Good things come to those who wait" Good luck on what ever Journey you may chose to take xxxx

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Haven November 21, 2013 19:53

Hi. I hope you're not feeling like you're getting a barrage of negativity! It may feel like that, but everyone is telling you their reality. I wanted to say that my life with adopted kids is very intensive and far removed from the lives of my friends who have birth kids - and my kids' issues are only those which resulted from their birth home life - no FAS, health or developmental issues, for example. I love my kids to bits, but I sometimes wish for the 'normality' that my friends have (although it's all relative!). We struggle with the fact that our pool of babysitters is almost non-existent, because my son is only comfortable with a couple of people in our family and his behaviour can be quite challenging! All of what you have read from other posters may not, of course, put you off at all - and if not, brilliant! But please believe that their is no adoption without difficulty - it's part of what adoption is - and I suppose that's what makes it so rewarding. The other thing I wanted to say to you, that if you're serious, waiting a couple of years is not a big deal. It took me eight years to get to the place where I had our family - from having my first miscarriage of three, mourning, recovering, having fertility investigations and treatment, mourning the unsuccessfulness of that, then going through the process of adoption and being placed with our kids. If there are things you want to do with your life - travel - learning anything - do it now! You won't get to do it for ages once you've adopted (if at all) and it will add to your life experiences and possibly help you along the way. Good luck.

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cowgirl November 21, 2013 23:08

Hi & welcome Are you still with us ? Personally at 21 yo I was not the person I am now. That's to say I had very little baggage. And I was certainly far too selfish for a long relationship let alone kids. I often wonder why SS put you only need to be over 18 yo when they have their minds made up. I wish you & your partner best wishes for your wedding & your continued journey.

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createamum November 22, 2013 12:52

Hi, we came to adoption as our first choice and have been questioned by every social worker and agency we have contacted, so be prepared to explain clearly why this is your decision. Another thing, do you and your partner have much experience with children particularly disadvantaged children, if not then spend some time getting it. Don't look at the time as wasted, use it to get where you want to be. Yes they said wait 5 years, go back in 2 years. Use the 2 years to build a good support network for your new family, get practical experience with children of different ages if possible and read everything on attachment, adoption, additional needs etc. Then when you go back you will have world experience that will support your adoption.

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Lankelly November 27, 2013 22:14

Well a lot of comments.... Remember the process may take up to 2yrs depending on the authority, your choices of age in kids, their needs etc. By then you'll be 23 and your relationship 4 yrs old!My point being in the process of applying you will change and your life may unfold really well into adoption...or you may start and stop the process by your choice or at panel even. You didn't say what your jobs are but they would be on a back burner possibly for forseeable future as at least one parent is needed A LOT. If jobs cash etc are pivotal to your stability in any sense at the moment then you may have to revise aspirations. I think its grand to have the nouse to adopt early you probably have the energy I lack...have you thought about offering respite care for families in need of it. Its a softer emotional option to begin and will give you ideas,experiences and solid evidence that your home, relationship etc can withstand kids from outside running amok!You can offer to work with loads of charities like Barnardos who offer respite care services, or used to.I got to a stage when I just knew I didn't want to work in the field of social health care I wanted to bring it into my life absolutely through adoption. Its the toughest thing ever and I miss the autonomy me and husband had before cos you lose yourself in parental role and the kids needs consume your time and emotion and love that I thought would easily be shared around the family. If you decide to try now for applying do so with open arms and be ready to change plans with a fallback plan f you need to is my advice....for what its worth chick.good luc and keep reading the boards. Ps. I Good fortune favours the brave!

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Anonymous November 29, 2013 17:51

HappiiPil, when we first applied to adopt we were asked to wait a bit. There were no places on the next intake and the team felt we weren't ready. Because of where we were emotionally, they felt it would benefit us to explore other options â we did that and also had a spot of counseling. Our journey to adoption was through infertility, but to be honest I love adoption and I'd thought about adopting at many points in my life. In the country I come from people don't JUST take children into their homes because they can't have biological children; they also adopt children because there is a huge need for children to have safe homes and loving families. So I disagree with many people who might say that you should try pregnancy first. Preparing yourself might mean waiting a bit, like we did, or fighting for it, as someone else suggested above. I really hope you will have a family sometime soon, however it works out. x

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Starlight December 4, 2013 21:36

I was 23 when I started the process and 25 when my children were placed. I was classed as extremely young and my LA had never assessed anyone as young as me. However, we had been together for 4yrs, married for a year, and had also had IVF during this time. I had lots of childcare experience as I worked in education so I felt I was pretty well prepared. The reality is that I was placed with two amazing, but very traumatised children. My marriage broke down within six months and I became a single parent. I have never once regretted my decision to adopt - my children are my absolute world - but it has been very different to what I imagined. I would say to use the next 12 - 18 months researching adoption and attachment: The boy who was raised as a dog, by Bruce Perry, and No Matter What by Sally Donovan are great books to use as starting points. Attend training on attachment/trauma, do some voluntary work on play schemes or holiday clubs for children with SEN etc.. All of these things will benefit you hugely in deciding what to do, but will also go in your favour if you do decide to apply to adopt.

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