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Hello mudlark ☺️

Not an expert on girls tbh but my boys have been quite advanced on puberty & physical changes... it has been a massive surprise... ( baa at 13 is 6ft 2inches tall with size 14 feet ! ? )

So yes it sounds to me that this is typical 15 year old teenage behaviours... very worrying on one so very tiny at just 10 who is emotionally confused & unsure with adoption traumas...

I think maybe the therapist from before needs to be contacted for more therapeutic input.... PAS need to be made aware as this is an asf fund issue.... I deffo think it has to be tackled head on it really cannot be ignored as some bad behaviour choices have to be.... deffo a battle that has to be picked imho ? ? sending hugs your way this is soo tuff xx

Sorry I have not been more help xxx

Xx moo xx

Hi,

We've had a shock with our ten year old (boy) recently, who suddenly developed spots, body odour and massive testosterone fuelled rages. Early puberty is, it seems, a 'thing', with children who experienced in utero and early childhood neglect and trauma. With it, of course, has also come other aspects of puberty that boys experience, like frequent and unexpected erections, wet dreams (at 10!!!!) and the sudden overt interest in what certain ladies are wearing (or not wearing) in public.

I've found the book 'What's happening to me?' by Usborne books excellent at helping me navigate this suddenly turbulent time with him. They make a boy specific and girl specific version and its like the where babies come from type books, but with knobs on, if you'll pardon the pun. I read the book through with my son over several evenings and it really helped us to discuss things. Be warned, it doesn't pull any punches. It talks about emotional and physical changes and how relationships might change. It also talks about attraction and sexual arousal. It talks about masturbation and sex. It's child friendly in its language, but deals with aspects of life that we consider to be 'adult'. It was like having a road map for those awkward conversations.

I have also been reading 'The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting- the teen years' by Sally Donovan, who in the outset of the book recommends that parents read this when their child is around the age of 10 or 11, before the full onset of puberty. You might also find it of use?

To be honest, your child's behaviour doesn't sound massively out of step. She's starting to explore who she is. Keeping a close eye on her is good. As for reading her diary, I'm not sure about that one. You might prevent her from trusting you again if she ever found out.

Oh dear, that does sound worrying. I'm not sure it's normal behaviour for a 15 year old either, even an adopted one. My girls are now 14 and 18 and we've never had anything like you describe.

I think you need some professional help as trying to limit the behaviours, even if you can do that, won't change the underlying thoughts and feelings. This could lead to her being sexually exploited within a very few years.

I'd contact post adoption with your concerns. If school become aware, they could refer you for 'Early Help' but post adoption are more likely to understand the issues for an adopted child.

At 10 your daughter might not be that far off from her first period. Mine started at 11 and just 12. I would talk to her about dress and how that might be interpreted and the dangers of it. I would also explain about consent and the responsibilities and emphasise that only adults can handle the big feelings that come along with it all, but that it is totally normal to find it interesting. We had quite a few body and puberty books and my children dipped in and out of them. In my experience giving them heaps of information rather decreases interest than increases it. Just keep it very factual.

One of my daughters can also have some attitude and is drawn to crop tops etc. When it comes to it, she withdraws quickly though. That seems to be different for your daughter and I would seek help for that. I would not give her access to those magazines. I don’t see any value in them and personally I would not care if “everyone does it” - which of course is never the case anyway.

i would also try to find out what’s happening in her class and check her tech. We had boys watching porn from year 3 on. Lots of parents happily ignore that it seems.

Mudlark2, i’ve Been thinking about what you said re Lapwing recently having sex Ed at school.

Here in the east of London we don’t teach the mechanics of sex ( what fits where etc) until year seven and even then it is part of the science curriculum. It’s not until year eight they talk about it in pshe in any real detail and then it’s mostly about condoms and emotions.

You might want to check her internet usage and make sure you have only child safe access on any devices she has access to as it sounds like she is getting at least some of this info from elsewhere.

Most year seven pupils who raise concerns about too much knowledge of this kind of thing are getting their info online.

I’d also want some outside help with this, especially if you don’t see any internet history to explain it, as she may be remembering things she was exposed too in her early years.

Thanks for replies. I purchased the Usborne book mentioned, ( thanks for recommending) and went through it today, snuggled on sofa with toast and milk! She seemed relieved to be talking about some of the issues and I have suggested we read it again. I also spoke about the way I have seen her looking at teenage boys. When I told her that some 14 year old boys will be able to and might actually have had sex, she looked completely shocked. I think she is 'pretending' to be a teenager and her pout and swagger is copying what she has seen.

Monkey I agree that it is young for a primary school to give them PSHE in year 5, but they have. My little 9 year old son will have the same this year. I am debating whether to take him out when the time comes.

She has no tech of her own and her only access to the internet is on my tablet for very small amount of time.

I wish I had never agreed to the magasines, but the genie is out of the bottle on that one. I think I felt guilty that I don't allow her any tech and thought, wrongly, the mags would be harmless!

I am going to monitor how she is after the chat today and the new information she has had from the Usborne book. I don't want to tell school really as they never 'get it'.

I will contact PAS I think maybe some life story work might help during this confusing time when hormones are racing around. Thanks for the advice and comments. Helpful.

Great news mudlark xx

Please don't feel guilty my 2 don't have tech either ? At secondary now so do there but not at home...

Sounds to me that she is asking for clarification mum well done xx

I think asf can help with extended lifestory work if necessary xx

Xxx hugs xx

Xx moo xx

Hi mudlark :)

good to see you posting and I can’t believe your tiny ones are so grown up. Young Pip is nearly 12. She’s got spots, a little bust and hair in funny places. 100% attitude, flounces and grrrrr. No periods yet but I’m sure that joy is not far off!

She is our bc so I can empathise a little at this time! But when I think back to blossom our AD at the same age- she was completely off the scale. So I DO get it.

Right. The pretending to be older is normal. Pip makes pretend YouTube make up diaries with her make up set she got for Christmas. All the pouty poses and annoying put on American accent.... I think that imagining a big sex romp with the teacher somehow implicated is worrying and probably a worry. Blossom told a fellow child to meet her for kisses with tongues and to have sex. She was 9.

It was sexualised behaviour and took a lot of work with school to get them to take it seriously because I don’t think they actually knew what to do.

Are you involved with post adoption? They can do ASF finding request for some life story work I would think that’s a good place to start. They might also help with school, especially for your next child coming through.

The getting attention from teen lads is a search for flattery and worth. (Dodgy attachment again huh?) It is also copying. Don’t beat yourself up re the magazine- if she didn’t get it from there her friends at school or YouTube would deliver!

i doubt she thinks she’s any danger at all in what she’s doing. There is a programme locally run by barnardos for kids at risk of sexual exploitation. Now I’m not saying that’s where you are heading. But maybe an email across asking if they could offer you some general pointers?

is she mainly doing this at the same time of month? Maybe part of a hormonal cycle?

i recently told pip that it’s lovely having cute boys notice you and it makes you feel good about yourself. But. There are problems. For a start, some people will call you names and think you are having sex or wanting to have sex and really hurt you. sometimes some boys say they love you and want you forever and if you don’t send nude pics you can’t really love them. They then share their pictures. We wondered how to change the outcomes. I did say that as adults we know that if a 19 year old starts flirting with my 12 yr old he’s/ she’s a threat not a very fit potential generous love interest.

With my AC I found personal potentially embarrassing conversations like this best in the car when I’m driving so the ‘parent bond thing’ isn’t required as an effort for my kids-they can absorb things better.

I was very open and non judgemental re my kids sex education. When they asked, I explained and I taught them sex Ed before school sessions that half term. Despite all this openness, sensible sexual practices into teens and adulthood haven’t been there for my adoptees. This really hurt, I hadn’t had any of this with my own parents and I wanted to get it right. I did try! When blossom was still section20 before things ended- I did try very hard and succeeded in getting blossoms contraption as an implant under the skin. She had all the HPV vaccines. You can only do what you can do.

You are doing great :)