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Have you asked your SW if she knows of any other suitable adopters in you area that she could put you in touch with? She must jnow someone who would be willing to meet up with you to have a chat.

Hi jmk. Thanks for responding. Yes, I have asked our SW this. They are 'looking into it' for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

why dont you turn this back on the SWs a bit. You are right to think that to suddenly start seeking out black people to make friends with purely on the basis of their skin colour is a bit odd and would probably be viewed with suspicion by said black people.If the child is quarter black I assume then there is a white parent and a mixed heritage parent?I think I wouldfirst argue that your initial overrriding concern is to help the child settle,learn to trust you so they know you will keep them safe no matter what and that you can provide them with an environment where you can protect them from their fears whilst you are building that relationship. Ask the SW why they think it would be a good idea to expose the child to something they are scared of without some theraputic work being done first. Ask them what is being done now to help them with this.establish how far the child is already intergrated into caribbean culture. If they have had little or no exposure, you could argue that it would be artificial and potentially damaging to try and force this given the history you allude to. If they have been brought up in a black culture find out exactly what and how far and say that you will do what elements are feasible while protecting the child from its worries , eg is there certain food, music, stories etc they like. If they have been used to going to a church you could say you will take the child when they feel secure enough.give some ideas about how you introduce them to black culture and people in a way that is non threatening to them, food, music, stories etc, use of picture books. there are black male presenters on the childrens tv channels so maybe that is one way they could start to see black men in very short chunks of time in a situation where they cant hurt them. Then maybe short visits to places where they will see men of other cultures so they can get used to it, building it up over time. What you say in your post seems fine to me. However, as this is being presented to you as a specific issue I would request professional help to deal with it.Rather than going out to 'find a friend' now, you could say that you have joined this forum and are making contacts through this, Apples who is on this forum, also runs a yahoo group and organises meet ups, you could say that you will go to those and develop contacts as appropriate to the needs of your family.If you live near a city with a reasonable African/Caribean size population there is likely to be an A/C association where you could find out about events etc. Or if you are inclined find a churchHope this has given you some ideas, and if you feel that this child is right for you, say what you need to say to get them homegood luckPS - I'm a single white mum to a dual heritage boy so you could tell them you are in contact with me

Serrakunda - Thanks so much for your very helpful responses I will reiterate what you have advised, which is very wise and full of integrity, thank you. You have given me so many ideas, I feel like I can breathe again.....Here is the big 'but': Sadly I have argued with the SWs to the point of...I don't know what...about this case. They are not prepared to move on this point, so it feels very much a 'put up, shut up or leave' scenario. I have counselling training (2 years, so not extensive, but hey, some...) so I am very aware of behaviours, and trying to (what seems to me), force a child to confront a fear from the word go. How damaging might that be?On the other hand, I'm trying to rationalize this and calm down a bit. Naturally, it would be good for this LO to meet others of ANY race and colour. They are going to in life generally, regardless of our input. It's the feeling of being 'forced' by SS to set this in motion, and their refusal to move on it, no matter how much I argue my case. I have mentioned that this request seems to ignore the 3/4 white cultural side, and given the history, there appears to have been no significant useful 'culture' of any kind, regardless of what colour the individuals involved were/are.Sorry, I'm losing my thread a bit! big sigh.Serrakunda -thanks for your encouraging words, and for the recommendations you've made. I will definitely mention the contact we've made on here.

of course you could just tell them what they want to hear, what you actually do when you get them home is a different matterbut I couldnt possibly say that could I

As Serrakunda says - play the game, agree to whatever she is suggesting and when LO is yours you can do what you feel is right.It always bugs me when people forget the "white" side of mixed race children. When have you ever heard Barack Obama described as the first mixed race President of America? It is always the first "black" President, despite being brought up by his white mother and white Grandparents. He hardly knew his father until he was an adult, as his father lived in Africa, but he is 50% white and 50% black just like my DD's. Your proposed LO is 75% white 25% black what about her white culture?Seriously though, it is all good preparation for the challenges ahead and you have to learn to fight for your childs rights, so it's all good practise.

Hi again everyone. Thanks for these human responses! I showed my husband and we both felt better after reading them. Something I've noticed is that after being bound up with SS for so long, it almost feels like one is being brainwashed, and I find it difficult to think straight or 'normally' anymore. It takes input from others who know the score to help me realise I do actually have a brain that used to think independently!We are going to contact the SWs next week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some informative replies from them.Just also wanted to say to those that have pm-d me, thanks. I have responded to you, but have no idea if you've got the responses. I can't seem to even find my responses in the pm section. Is that normal does anyone know, or has there been a fault somewhere? If you don't have my response, please let me know.

Hi Mrs DoyleMy partner and I are white, and are in the early (and blissfully happy) days of placement with our mixed heritage son I'm not sure if this helps or not, but one of the things that was important for our match was to demonstrate that he would be around children of a range of ethnicities, including black carribean children that reflected that part of his heritage. I take it the LO isn't frightened of black boys? It seems like that would be a good place to start to me.

lemondancy - Thanks for your response, that's really helpful. I'm really encouraged to hear that you are having a blissful time with your new LO That's great news for you! As a general update, I was very inspired by the comments I received on here, and took the bull by the horns. I wrote a very long and intense email about what we thought of the situation, and how we would approach it...Just being completely honest, rather than 'bending' to what I think they want to hear.Our SW called to say that the LO's SWs are 'keen' and a meeting has been arranged for the end of the month.I'm trying very hard not to get too over excited, but I am excited

great newslet us know what happens

HiYes- good luck. I would second what another posted stated. If he is scared of black men then start with black boys with whom he can have fun.As Serrakunda mentioned we have a group for transracial adoptees and we meet up quite often. There are a variety of children of different colours and they are all fabulous! The parents are not too bad either!If you don't already have friends who are black/mixed race who may look like/share the background of your potential LO then do try and put yourself in positions where you might be able to make these connections. No need to force it but if you are in situations where you are with a diverse group of people then you give yourself the best opportunities to make friends with people from a variety of backgrounds.We live in a rural area- it is completely white apart from out LO. Like you, we have access to a large city which is diverse but not where we live. I understand that opportunities for you to access AC groups will be limited. However, the thing that our LO benefits from the most is being around and having access to others that look like him. It is irrelevant to him at this stage- he is 4- what nationality or religion those people are he just wants to have other black people around. It has been so useful to have our friends and their children in our house. It sends out the message that you are inclusive and is hugely enriching. It also works both ways. One of my very good friends has said that she has enjoyed learning about my Irish side and learning about we did things when I was growing up. Considering she grew up in Nigeria and me in Essex it was surprisingly similar! It's just normal stuff that we do- coming around for coffee, kids playing, moaning about hubbies/jobs etc etc but it demonstrates to our LO that people of all backgrounds are valued friends and that they are in our social circle not because of what they look like but because of the people they are. Our experience has been that most people are supportive and accepting of our situation but our LO does notice that he has different skin and he loves being in places where he is in the majority and I am in the minority. One of his favourite places is the barber shop. Over time you will be able to introduce your black (adult)friends and he will be able to see and learn that 99.9% of black men are kind, decent and will not hurt him.You know that there will be work to do to make sure that he does not internalise a negative stereotype of black men- especially as he is partially black himself.The fact you are asking the questions and searching for answers shows that you care and you have the ability to search out opportunities to suppport your LO.Last thing- may be a bit controversial! Your LO presents as white. When you are with him you will not get a second glance especially as you state that you and your partner share a similar colouring to him. Tell the SWs what they want to hear- you have to play the game. You are coming at this from the point of view that you are attempting to do what is best for your potential LO. When ( fingers crossed) he is with you then do what you feel is right. Often SWs have had very limited contact with the children they are trying to match. Many of them have never adopted so they have very little idea of what it is actually like. Other adopters will be your best source of info. If he is placed with you very soon you will know him so much better than his SW. Tell them you will do what they are asking and demonstrate how you can do it. Smile and nod- if you don't do this then someone else will. If you feel the LO is a good match for you in all ways apart from his 'mix' then go for it. If- please!- you get matched then concentrate on making sure that he feels safe and secure. Serrakunda is so right about this. For us attachment is not an adoption issue it is THE adoption issue. The rest you can do once this is in place or you are making progress with it. The black part of him is important and must be valued and cherished but his is 3/4 white and this is the majority part of him.Very best of luck.x

And be aware that a child's colouring can change.My niece (white dad, black mum) was a white baby. Now, aged 10, she is a (gorgeous) brown young lady.

True what Kangas has said. A friend of mine is white and her husband is black and their 3 BC are all different colours. Eldest is quite dark, Middly is medium and Littly is almost white and all with the same Mum and Dad.

Wow! Everyone! We've just read your further responses, and feel so touched that you have all taken the time to respond and share your thoughts. It has been SO helpful, I can't tell you. Thank you all so much. We are gearing up for our meeting next week, and evenings are spent writing reports for SWs about how we plan to deal with this, that and the other.Hopefully there will be progress to report soon.Apples, you hit the nail on the head with everything you said, but particularly:'...people of all backgrounds are valued friends and that they are in our social circle not because of what they look like but because of the people they are...'This was exactly my problem in the first instance and what was troubling me so much about what I was being asked to do when I first came on here, (seems a long time ago now - adoption is such a huge learning process, isn't it?)namely - make friends with people who are black - because they are black. I was imagining how I would feel if someone only wanted to be friends with me because I was white. I would be pretty suspicious, I imagine. Naturally, I can see how important and helpful this cultural mix of people around our potential LO will be, and we have both said we will do all we can to widen our social circle to all races and colours.kangas & jmk -thanks for your helpful points too. We hadn't considered that the LO might change colour, so we'll bear that in mind. We had considered that way off in the future as an adult the LO might become a parent themselves and that there could be a differing skintone in their future child, even if their partner was white...perhaps I'm going too far ahead now!

I had to post as this is such and intersesting and at times frustrating topic very close to my heart. My LOs are mixed race (White and Caribbean) of various shades and i'm a single white adopter). My LOs were in a foster family with a black foster carer and it was written in all the SS reports that the placement was meeting my daughter's cultural needs, however my LO had said a number of times that she wanted to be white which was very concerning and created a lot of extra questioning of my ability to promote her positive identity while we went through matching. When my daughter moved in her interests seemed limited to Barbie and Disney princess which I felt were giving the wrong message to a mixed race child who expressed clearly her desire to be white. My daughter loved the whole princess fairytale but these blue eyed, blonde hair, white characters have been reduced significantly and a number of other more culturally diverse princess stories introduced (I love Princess Katrina!!). This must be having some impact as 10 weeks after moving in I was very proud today when my daughter told me she wanted to keep her brown skin! Which I feel shows it doesn't matter what colour you are on the outside it's the eyes you view the world with that matters....

butterbear- 'Which I feel shows it doesn't matter what colour you are on the outside it's the eyes you view the world with that matters....'I couldn't agree with you more. This whole thing has become such a difficult subject, it's like we're being tied up in knots trying to meet SS expectations that often completely conflict with each other.Your story reminds me of mixed race twins I knew as a teenager. One saw herself as white, the other black. I don't know what else to say about that, but it seemed to work for them.I'm so pleased your LO is feeling happier in her brown skin. butterbear - I would be interested in how you managed the cultural expectations of SS during the matching process, if you're comfortable sharing that? Also, I'd be interested in any feedback you received from the black foster carer at the time. Although, I understand if you feel you can't share any or all of this.

I've PM'd you x

Hello everyone.An update:After our meeting last week, I've just had a call from LO's SW to say we've been matched Lots more hoops to jump through yet, but we must have said something right, and that was definitely with your help, so THANK YOU!!!!