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Hi,New to Adoption UK
gone22
November 22, 2009 01:55
Our adopted daughter 14 years old left our family home a month today. We adopted her at 22 months. Life in our home has been unbearable the last 3years. Her anger was always aimed at me(mum)always telling me she no longer wanted me as her mother or wanted to be adopted or part of our family. SS originally told me this with our daughter in the room. While I was crying unable to speak, this girl calmly walked into another room and watched TV as if nothing had happened. I was crushed. I resented her being in our home, as she showed no repect to us or to the home. We also have an adopted son, who is the total opposite. Our daughter took herself to SS which was a great relief on our part, as we had considered taking her there ourselves. SS only told us this year that our daughter has attachment issues. How was I meant to deal with this? No one told us. She received theraphy from Camhs only to be told that she would appreciate what she has, when she becomes a mother herself. I am fed up of SS telling me that I must be missing her.......the fact is I don''t. My husband does. I do hope in time I will feel something for this girl, I lost all feelings when she told me she no longer wanted me as her mother. I find that know she''s out our home she is still bringing upset to the family, ringing to speak only to her dad. Before she left we meant nothing to her and 12 years didn''t account for anything. Being told she has attachment issues the other is identity. My husband, son and I are black our daughter is mixed race. Birth mum is seen as white in her life story book, with pictures of her extended family. However only written imformation on her birth dad who is black. A picture was given of birth dad, which was destroyed by her. I''ve joined Adoption UK as I feel very alone right now. I can see that my husband is very torn as we agreed to show our daughter that we 3 are united, if she wants to see her dad its 3 of us or nothing at all. Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you cope.........I''m not doing very well
Lonsdale
November 22, 2009 10:36
wish I could help, but as you say you're in auk then phone their helpline in the week & they'll try to put you in touch with others in similar situations.but you're not alone, many adopters didn't know about attachment and only found out by chance & some camhs have been dreadful at dealing with adopted children, due to lack of knowledgehope you get some support soonl
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aprilshowers
November 22, 2009 12:26
hi gone22I have not been in your position but please be assured that what you are feeling is probably very normal in the adoption arena. You are right that the three of you stick together, part of the attachment thing is control if your child feels they have control or can control situations they will, and they will wield it like a sword to split you all up.There is a board BME for families of other races and religions, also there is the parents of older adoptees, I am sure that there will be others who can share their experiences and offer advice and there will be many more people like myself who will be here just to listen and offer cyber support. You are not alone, none of this is your fault, you are a great mum but you can only do what you can do, without support or full knowledge of our children we are often left floundering.Love and best wishes June
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gone22
November 22, 2009 19:48
Thank you Lonsdale. I will do that
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gone22
November 22, 2009 19:55
Hello June, I will look at the other message boards. Thank you
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Adoption UK Helpline
November 23, 2009 10:13
Dear Gone22AUK Helpline have sent you a private message offering support.Kind regrads Doris
Edited 17/02/2021
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