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Maybe you could rephrase it! See his behaviour as anxiety driven rather than merely outright rudeness. He’s still very young. What would you say his emotional age is. Whilst he may be 4 chronologically I would guess that like most adopted children his emotional age is likely to be substantially younger. Assuming he presents as a 2 year old, how would you manage his behaviour. And never forget that behaviour is language so what do you think he’s trying to tell you and your wife? Also, have you come across splitting? It’s often the mother/mother figure who bears the brunt of any tricky behaviour. Mothers abandon you so why would he trust yet another mother figure? He seems to be playing one off against the other. How do you manage this? Not forgetting that school will get harder for him. More demands made of him and it’s around this age when irs becomes more apparent that they are different to their peers and their coping mechanisms are different

He might be struggling with object permanence. If he can't see you, he thinks you might be gone forever, gets scared and releases his fear by being aggressive to your wife. Or/and he holds your wife responsible for your "disappearance". My nephew used to strongly dislike his granny, because her being there meant that his mum would leave. You say he is almost 5 and you have had him for a year, so he has had almost 4 years in which he might have witnessed other people "solving" problems aggressively. That would have had a longlasting effect on him. He is still very little and at the very beginning of learning how to solve problems in an effective and morally and socially acceptable way. His early experiences might have confused him and taught him unacceptable ways. It will take many years to unlearn that. I would try to think about the situation differently. He is not rude and trying to be mean and difficult, but he is confused and scared and totally dependent on you. He can't tell you what he feels, it is all a blur to him. Maybe he is just starting to feel slightly more secure with you and when anything unusual happens (ie. you leaving), he gets overwhelmed with fear. He needs you both in sight to feel safe. Now, that is not possible, but that is where his behaviour is coming from. You could try to give him a photo of your's so he can "see" you when you are not there. You could also tell him to look after an object that belongs to you (eg. a (cheap) watch, a tie, a teddy that belongs to you) while you are gone. Tell him about your work, show him your office, so he can imagine where you are and what you are doing. Make it sound very routine and boring. You sit at a desk and talk at the phone. That is what you do all day and then you come home. Help him to image where you are, so he knows that you will be coming back. When you show him your office, put a big photo of him onto your desk. Show and tell him that you think of him many times a day, even when you don't see him. It is probably very hard on your wife. Try to keep in mind that this is not personal. Your little boy is projecting onto your wife. Think about how you can strengthen their relationship. What does he enjoy doing? Try to link those experiences with your wife.

My son (now eight) does this whenever my husband is out/ away. He’s fine when I’m out or away. He’s actually very controlling and defiant (and often violent) to me too. It is extremely difficult to deal with. I would agree with the others that the behaviour is anxiety driven. And that your son is trying to communicate with you through his behaviour.

My DS could be like this, can be occasionally still, but was much worse with me than DP. Things that helped us were; Making it clear to him that he would never impress Daddy if he was rude to Mummy. The way to impress and please Dad was to be good to Mum DP made a habit of greeting me first everytime he came in the door, rather than the kids first. It emphasised to them how important I am to him and that we are a team. It also meant the DP could look after and comfort me if needed and build my confidence back up, rather than all his attention being diverted to thinking about bad behaviour. If DS was rude/disrespectful to me, it would usually be DP that disciplined him. Again, the message that we are a team and you don't get one without the other. We took it in turns to do bedtimes, even when DS clearly expressed a preference for DP. Again, we are a team and we make the decisions about care. We also found a real difference when I'd been away for a weekend to visit family - DS really missed me and was much warmer when I got back and after that. It's possible that what others are saying might be true, that it might be anxiety or fear-based, but it is still rude and I think still warrants dealing with. Especially if he can isn't rude in front of you and then is when he thinks you're not there - that would suggest that he does have an element of control over it. So really, it was the drip drip drip message of us being a team and him not being able to treat us differently.

Good advice already about responding to his behaviour as anxiety driven rather than rudeness/ naughtiness, and practically how you might deal with this. I think someone's also already mentioned splitting. From what you've said it sounds as if your wife is struggling and may be low on confidence at the moment. Do you feel that there are some things you are better able to deal with than she is? If so, that's OK, and may well be true if he reacts differently to you than your wife. But you need to be extra careful that you don't give any impression to your son that this is the case, and also be clear in talking to your wife that you understand that any differences are likely to be because your son responds differently to women, or responds differently to you because you're mainly not there. Talk to your partner about how your behaviour can help her to be more confident in caring for your son. Good luck. LB

No specific advice but are you therapeutically parenting and have you had any training in it? There is a Facebook page called therapeutic parents and is part of the national association of therapeutic parenting. This is a great resource and if you also want to join the national association you can access lots of great online training on dealing with exactly this kind of behaviour. They have support groups around the country and members can also access peer mentors that advise and support. Have a look at it.

Getting post adoption support sounds a really good idea. It's a good thing, and you will get support specific to your situation. Asking for help is a good thing - not a sign of weakness or not coping. We did a super therapeutic parenting course recently - has got us feeling much better equipped to support our son.

It’s splitting alright. Had this for years. My DH never saw it and it wasn’t until we saw a CAMHS therapist who explained it to him in detail that the scales fell from his eyes. I’m so glad she did because it would have been the end of us. Please, please, always believe your wife when she tells you what it’s like and how he makes her feel.

I would definitely seek help - you need strategies to help him to change this behaviour but also for you and your wife to cope with it and understand it. He may also benefit from some work on him but often it's us parents who need the help more. If we can cope, it's easier for the children. Good luck x But well done for not blaming your wife, which is what the other partner often does!!