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We were in a similar position in that we did one cycle of IVF, not that we expected it to work, but that we felt we had to close that door before we could move on to adopt. In terms of showing that you have moved on, be ready to explain your decision to try one more thing, and to discuss how you felt when it didn't work (I was relieved and excited about becoming a Mum through adoption). It might also be worth both of you getting some counselling just to talk through stuff and highlight if there are any remaining issues you need to work through (and SW will view that as a positive step).

Thanks so much for your reply Bop. You summed up exactly how I've been feeling, like a huge weight's been lifted! I can honestly say after 7 pregnancy losses that I feel a relief at thought of not ttc again and excited at the prospect of adoption. I've worked with CLA and adopted children for 10 years in various roles so I have a reasonably realistic view of adoption but am also very aware that 'working with' and 'parenting' are very different things. I also have the added complicating factor that I also work for the local authority children's services so not sure if that's going to prove to be a conflict of interest and also whether our confidentiality would be able to be protected. I guess these are things we'll have to speak to them about. Had planned to go to a neighbouring authority but it's just been announced that the local authorities in our county have all merged to be one big agency. We have lots to be getting onwards in the meantime, our plans are to get the house sorted, have a bit of a financial overhaul and book a holiday! I'm also planning to get some counselling as I think it will do me good to process the horrendous last three years as well as getting us in a position to think about our life moving in a different direction to the one we expected. Sorry I'm rambling now! :-)

I think a large percentage of people come to adoption after failed fertility treatment. I had various treatments and operations over the years and tried ivf which failed. We considered surrogacy but that didn't feel right for us. We then moved onto adoption about 6-12 months later. It was something which I had always felt I wanted to do, so it wasn't a hard decision for us. Only you will know if you are ready to move on and take this new avenue. Do lots and lots of reading, try and meet up with local adopters etc. Adoption is not like having a birth child- adopted children very often have pretty complex needs - make sure that's what you want. I don't think I really appreciated that until we adopted! For us it has been very challenging, but also very positive and rewarding. Good luck on your journey xx

You sound like you will make a fab Mum....but one word of caution...nothing can ever prepare you for the reality of caring for a child whose start in life had been far from ideal...its nothing like the parenting that you will see most of your peers doing... We were initially respite foster carers for our kids.....and even that was not really preparation for parenting them full time....

Sorry our posts crossed- sounds like you know lots about adoption given your job. Wishing you all the best xx

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It really is helpful to hear from people who've been there, done that and got the teeshirt. I think that's my big worry Bop and Freddie! That I know a bit too much about it all from a professional perspective but not as a parent. Sometimes I think maybe ignorance is bliss! i guess it's better than expecting sunshine and unicorns though! Xx

Also, asking on behalf of DH...as he seems to be pondering and worrying about this...how do people explain to their children how they (parents) came to adopt? He's worried that he wouldn't want our future children to think they're 'plan B' or the second choice. It's probably not the biggest of concerns and a very long way off but it seems to be playing on his minds as he's mentioned it several times x

I say to my kids we had to work much harder for them than birth parents have to work. Two years worth of work, plus two lots of 'training' (if you count prep group and home study, plus waiting to be matched). My kids really like the idea that we had to work hard for them. I have to admit that I was quite upfront early on about my own miscarriages - they were 4 and 9 when they arrived and absolutely full of (often really quite pertinent) questions. I was age appropriate ("I tried to have babies but it didn't work") - but my 9 year old didn't leave it there and we got into the babies dying territory - it was blooming hard and there was a bit of me that was sort of watching myself and thinking how weird it all was. One thing that kids do for you, adopted or otherwise, they really make you 'get over yourself!'. So, going back to your earlier question, you have to know in yourself that you have dealt with trying to have birth children. I had some counselling because I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing and not just trying to replace having birth children, which really helped and SWs seemed happy to hear about. best of luck hx

My children are aware that we adopted them because I had multiple miscarriages, a still birth and ectopic pregnancy. My oldest daughter has said it was good we could not have children and her birth parents where unable to care for her. In some ways adoption is always going to be second best as in a perfect world everyone who wanted would be able to have children and parent them effectively. But the world is not perfect, and second best can sometimes workout better.

Thanks for your replies, I was conceived after a still birth and I cringe when I think about how as a kid I sometimes told my mum 'I'm glad Thomas died so I could be born' must've been a real gut wrencher! That's a good way to think about it 'second best can sometimes work out better' Did you access counselling through the NHS Haven? Thank you x

One comment re working for the LA. it might be worth checking now so you can look into other options as I think that working for the LA children's services means you would not be able to adopt through them, so maybe consider a neighbouring authority or agency. I know a couple of sw's that adopted via neighbouring LA's for this reason. and can also vouch for the benefits of counselling/therapy, has done me the power of good though the NHS brief therapy of 6-12 sessions wouldn't have done it for me, I've been at it considerably longer but have had to pay for that privilege, and its not cheap!

Thanks loadsofbubs, We've both agreed that some counselling (separately) would help us. I did a mindfulness course last year which really helped me to turn a corner and I attend retreats occasionally by the women who runs them. She's offered me some one to one sessions (she's also a clinical psychologist) but they're £100 a go! They could be an investment but at the same time we want to save incase DH has to stop working/go part time after adoption leave. I had planned to approach a neighbouring authority but our county has merged all the adoption teams from the various councils. We're hoping that we can get round this by them allocating a worker from a neighbouring town.

I adopted because I never met Mr Right and at the time it was the "second best" to having birth children. Now, I would not change my history for anything as I cannot imagine life without her in it. Our circumstances may be second best, but not our children

wow. £100 a go?! that's pretty expensive! I pay £40 and even that is a stretch sometimes, though she's worth every penny of that, but not sure I could run to £100! good luck.

I love that...our circumstances may be second best but not our children. I know! £100 is a lot...I can access counselling through occupational health at work so might go with that as a starting point and then reassess whether I need anything more specifically related to miscarriage/adoption/fertility. I did ask to see the NHS counsellor linked to the fertility clinic in our area but I'm not allowed because I'm not infertile! DH has also wondered whether he would benefit from counselling too. Does anyone know of any male adopters who've done this? X

I think quite a few male adopters have - either before they started or further down the line - DH has and found it really helpful

Hi, sorry for the late reply. I didn't access counselling through the NHS (I couldn't have waited!). I looked for a counsellor who specialised in infertility issues. I only had 3 sessions. It was all I needed, I think just to clarify things for myself and make sure I was past wanting to go through all the infertility treatment. I think they were around £40.00. per session.

Thanks bop. Will start looking for someone for DH too. Haven, I agree, a friend has been on the waiting list for NHS counselling for nearly a year now. £40 seems a lot more reasonable.

We say you grew in my heart as mummy couldn't have babies in her tummy Hope that helps