Edited 17/02/2021
Bonding with birth dad
neville321
February 5, 2018 22:11
I adopted my AD when she was a few months old and later her birth sibling, with an AS between them who was not blood related. My now ex-husband has nothing to do with any of the children. My eldest tracked down her birth dad and has recently spent a few weeks in his company - much to my horror, as his lifestyle has not remotely changed from when she was taken into care at a few weeks old. I can do nothing because she is legally an adult (although she does not behave like one) and she posts gushing messages of love and adoration on FB to him with photos. I worry that his drug addled life will become so attractive to her that she will move in with him completely and I will lose her for good. She already thinks that 'party' drugs are acceptable even though she knows how I feel about any drug taking. She is under the care of our local mental health team as it is and his controlling behaviour is not helping her. She is home at the moment but does not really engage with us any more and says she feels connected to him in a way she can't explain. I do understand that - she can now look in a mirror and see where she comes from - but I am so hurt. She was horrendous as a teen - and I stuck it out - despite the physical and verbal abuse and complete abandonment by her adoptive dad - I have been there for her every step of the way, but now it seems that because blood is thicker than water, I am redundant. Birth dad hates me and says I am judgemental!! It seems that no matter how much love and care I put in it has made no difference. I will lose her almost as if I never had her in the first place... Just venting.... but I know some of you will completely understand.
Bop
February 5, 2018 22:31
((Hugs)) Sadly our son has made a similar choice recently and has moved back in with his birth family and cut us off. I am trusting that all we gave him will have some impact and that in time we will have some sort of relationship with him, but for now we have no choice but to leave him to it, so we just continue to pray for him - its not easy though
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
February 6, 2018 12:07
I think the most important thing is to try and keep the relationship going with your daughter - be there to listen and support her as best you can. Are the local MH team aware of these developments? Maybe it would be helpful if whoever is working with her is updated so that they can support her and guide her but at one remove. Also would she accept counselling - I'm not sure what its called but the sort adoptees may have when considering reunion. There are specialist services I believe.
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white christmas
February 6, 2018 16:41
Our AD similarly rushed into being with her birth mum when she was 17 due to an intense need to connect and a bond she felt before being fostered at 5 then adopted a year later. It was very distressing for us as adoptive parents and we had no chance of persuading her to take gradual steps to prevent pain and rejection due to birth mum's considerable needs and toxic views. We had to just watch it play out which it inevitably did when our AD realised that her needs were not being met and that her birth mum would never accept responsibility for AD's childhood trauma. In the meantime birth mum introduced her to cannabis use and retraumatised her over her memories by denying them. So, what I am trying to say is that this is an instinct that you cannot fight but you are still the one who is parenting here and with patience and time she should work things out for herself to realise that you are a secure and safe love that she cannot get from birth dad however much she wills it to happen. Our AD said she stopped seeing her birth mum when she saw my face as I picked her up from outside birth mum's house one night. That very distressed but loving look might have been the trigger but our AD knew that she was getting nothing but negativity from her birth mum and has not been in touch for three years to my knowledge. I resent th Spain that our AD went through but maybe it was unavoidable and in time strengthened our bond.
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Pear Tree
February 7, 2018 02:04
That rejection is crushing. Especially when youâve given your all. I think particularly for kids removed early there can be a fantasy around birth parents that soon fizzles out. Some kids whobwe moved later return also. I would say about half of those adoptive families I know with late teens/ young adults have had something like this happen. Sadly, things often go wrong and the adoptee has to face humble pie and yet another rejection from their bf. In our children they knew their birth parents. The attraction for my AD is that birth family are wild, have no planning, party on, involved in drugs/ trafficking etc and are just crashing from crisis to crisis. Huge adrenaline all the time Iâd think This is not something I can provide, itâs great fun and itâs much easier to paint me as the evil nasty witch mother who said no and had rules. Got her to school, therapy, tap dancing etc. But nope. She cannot cope with 2 mums in her life and sheâs picked BM. My son Partridge is older than blossom. He responded well to therapeutic life story work and over time has decided he doesnât want anything to do with his bf. Tbh his sister going off with them put him off even more.
Edited 17/02/2021
neville321
February 8, 2018 19:12
Thanks for your support and guidance... It's so very painful to see her struggle and deal with the lies that BF is telling her - basically denying everything that he did which resulted in AD being removed from them at 8 weeks old. I have had her from 8 months and she was in foster care for 6 months prior to her being placed with me so she spent very little time with him (thank God) but still she cannot see what a vile human being he is and how she is being manipulated. I will soldier on as we all do and hope that the moral guidance and unconditional love that she has had from me will win through before she ends up like her BM whom he pimped and drugged... Hideous..
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vera
February 14, 2018 15:34
With you totally on the let down you feel about the contact with BD, but let it run it's course. You have instilled lots of good qualities that are there within her and she knows you will always be there for her, you are her safe place. Try not to dis the BD as she may see this in a negative way and it appears he will reinforce this to her. This will also mean that you are possibly accepting of her contact with him (even though you're not) and she may start to question why and fear you are potentially letting go a little. The mind is an amazing place and hopefully she won't want to lose that safe place you have provided for her. I never dissed the BF always stating they couldn't look after her due to illness and unawareness even when she was much older and had the choice of lots of contact I supported her. She only wanted contact if I could be there, or discuss it afterwards as she knew this wasn't a threat for me (even though you have the natural anxieties that go with this) I kept my stance and it paid off in our case. She now has no contact with BF as she came to her own conclusions, this has made us who she sees as 'her family' more important strengthening the bond more than ever. (and oh boy did we have the same issues as everyone else in the early days). Keep strong, look after yourself and hopefully things will improve.
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pingu123
February 14, 2018 18:13
SW will show an adopted child their notes post 18, also adoption court proceedings will include evidence of reasons. If she has any doubts placed in her mind by bf I'd point her in the direction of the paperwork.
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neville321
February 15, 2018 22:15
Hi Pingu.. She's had that meeting and seen the report written by the post-adoption SW and she knows in her heart that he is not to be trusted but he's like a drug. She's opened up to me about his dealing, where he keeps his drug money, who he buys his supplies from etc., almost as if she wants me to tell the police and says that she's not sure if he will always be there for her - but even as I write she's packing to go to him for a week. He tells her drugs are safe!!! I'll keep on battling quietly and hope she doesn't come home in a coffin given his propensity for encouraging youngsters to take all manner of banned substances...
Edited 17/02/2021
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