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Hi. It’s tough isn’t it. My DS who is 7 has always struggled with friendships. I was so lucky that I made two good friends with children the same age who knew how to handle him and didn’t judge. How old is your daughter? I found that my DS played better with older children, probably because he realised he couldn’t control them as much! Have you met any fellow adopters? I met one through this site who was a big help, our kids were slightly different ages but they got on well and it wasn’t an issue for us if they played up as we both understood. Sorry as I know it’s really hard to watch and upsetting. The only thing that makes it a bit easier is that my DS never really complains about a lack of friends, he seems happy enough in his own little world. Does your daughter seem upset by it? And finally, if these mum’s aren’t supportive, they probably aren’t worth being friends with!

I agree about the mum's not being worth the effort - they will not change - they are wrong in trying to protect their child in that way if that is what they are doing as they are harming their child's ability to accept difference - perhaps you need to reframe it in that way for yourself - would you act as they do? Perhaps you could try chatting to people in the playground who are on their own - there are always some - they may be shy or have their own problems they are dealing with or of a different culture - but most would appreciate someone being friendly to them. Also if there is a particular child she likes or seems to get on with maybe inviting that mum and child somewhere neutral - a play centre or somewhere - where the kids can play in a less intense way and you can chat over a coffee

Totally empathise and understand. It can be very isolating being an adoptive mum, and more than once I have felt that other parents don't think I 'do enough' or take the 'right approach' for my child to be nicer to their child. Believe me, I am doing everything I can, and some! A mum I thought was a friend decided after some years that she really didn't like my child being around hers.....I can accept this actually, I do get it, my child is complicated and this person didn't think AD was good for her child...but...I was consequently dropped too. All done very subtly but it's clear that I've now also been dispensed with! My daughter can also get quite obsessive with friendships which puts a further strain on things. I wonder what your immediate neighbourhood is like...whether there are children similar to your daughter's age but who might be at a different school? This is the case with us and has been a huge help, as those relationships are not subject to the stresses of the classroom and the friendship dynamics in school. Similarly to Lilac Lou, my AD is often happiest playing with slightly older (ie. they can in her view be legitimately 'in charge'), or younger children, who will often expect AD to control things. Relationships with classroom peers are much trickier. I think it's good advice to approach other parents who seem outside the obvious cliques, and might be open to a chat, as many parents are dealing with with a slightly more complex set up than might at first appear. And keep on being the brilliant mum you sound.

I had huge amounts of this with both of my girls. I found it never really got any better - these mums are not interested and the other girls are not going to be very inclusive, sorry. Girls tend to make a 'best friend' and then the pairs of girls get together with other pairs of girls. It is really hard to break in - it's not like with boys where there is more of a general group thing going on. Suggestions are: get some counselling for you so you can download how hard this is for you to someone else on a regular basis - I had counselling and for a while almost all I was talking about was the relationships with other children/mothers keep in touch with school and make sure that they are aware of what is happening - if one of the other mothers oversteps the line, they should be able to intervene for you (we had a case where a mother asked my daughter in the playground for my telephone number so she could call her to complain about my daughter and the head was incredibly helpful and really told the mother off) ask school for social skills help for your daughter - they should have some kind of social skills group she can join at the minimum, and if possible ask for a full speech and language assessment, as this also covers social skills and you can get help this way find out of school activities which don't involve traditional girl roles - do it for the sake of the activity, not to make friends. What is she interested in? My two did things like rock climbing and horse riding investigate local special needs services - not sure how you feel about this if your daughter doesn't have obvious special needs, but the special needs world is huge and very welcoming to anyone who self refers to the various clubs check out the parents who are not in the 'in crowd'. But also amend your expectations of other parents. I have a good friend whose daughter was in the same class as my daughter in infant school. The girls are not really friends - her daughter gets annoyed by my daughter. They are very different. I just value the friendship for what it is and don't try to push any sort of agenda for them to be friends be aware that there are lots of other girls in a similar position but when they grow older it is easier for them to find their 'tribe' - my daughter is now 18 and has a boyfriend and one good female friend. Both these teens have their own strange ways - they too were pretty out of the norm as kids. It is easier to connect with other similar people these days. Good luckxx

Hi all thank you so much for all your lovely, supportive comments. I have a good support network but it is not the same as speaking to others who experience the highs and lows and who are living it themselves. My girl is ten and also tends to become really possessive of a ‘bff’ and really obsessive. She did hit out at a girl - really not roughly just a push on the arm - and her mother has been going to the nth degree with it. Sitting outside the school gates and watching, etc. Her daughter has felt overwhelmed by mine who is intense - I get that and we are working to help my girl to identify where she is making mistakes and handling friendships. We have worked hard to look at how to cope with all of this and that she needs to understand when to give someone space, etc. She came home from school today having done all the little suggestions I gave her for dealing with it all - she did great. This Mum wants them to not be allowed to even communicate although they are in the same class. Difficult for the teacher and for the kids but we are doing it - Mum has just kicked off hugely. I would have no dealings with these women other than paths crossing with school. I have no desire or wish to be friends with them - my problem is the appalling way they are with my kid. It is just upsetting watching the unkindness. Thanks again so much for letting me just offload some of these worriesxx

I am sorry to read this, sadly I have experienced similar. I have actually had a mum (head of parent council!) tell me what a wonderful parent she thinks I am, but she won't let her son have playdates with my boy. She also complained to the school about him - and the class teacher at the time told my boy (long time ago, the teacher is elsewhere now, but I was furious!). Anyway, he has made good friends with the children of more understanding, less judgemental mums, who may be so because they are struggling with their kids' own additional needs. They are not in the 'in' crowd either, but I am happy with that and more importantly, so is my boy. Good luck. Push for help with your girl at school - they should be working on this too (therapeutically!). xxx

To my mind, children who are on the spectrum have rightly these days got far more understanding, awareness and support which is wonderful - we know the intricacies and the nuances which explain certain behaviours - yet a child who has been abused physically, mentally, ignored, etc for the first however many years of their life and who may have behavioural difficulties explained by their past have not one iota of the same kind of understanding or support - they are just stigmatised and ostracised. These women just don’t get it.

Thanks - I hope that she can with guidance try to not get so intensely focused on friendships - don’t know how much is down to difficult attachment style and how much is that ten year old girls do have these intense bff friendships that easily go awry. Teacher says that it is very much the usual - teacher and school are great.

I think in theory children on the spectrum have more understanding - at least from schools - but sadly this doesn't filter through to many of the parents - especially the in-crowd ones - they remain judgemental and blaming of the child and wanting to protect their own child against contact! A thick skin and positive thinking are required as well as all that you are doing to help your daughter with social skills - sadly it is a slow process But you are right - there is far too little understanding of the effects of early trauma and it's implications for the child / family

It's certainly true that friendships around that age are often intense and can be a bit 'boom and bust', however I think one of the issues with schools is that often they try to normalise things to reassure us, whereas in fact our AC are less well-equipped to manage shifts in power or change of status - much less than the average 10 year old who hasn't experienced loss or trauma and who still struggles! The gap between my AD and her peers emotionally and socially is starting to really show - she's almost 9 - she takes everything so hard and is really threatened by her friends forming other friendships. It's how our children manage the rejection and emotional pain that can be the real issue and where schools could do much more to support - i.e understanding attachment disorders, not punishing a behavioural spiral that's linked to a serious friendship issue, giving the AC a bit more attention in class, doing things to boost their confidence, etc. The hitting thing is tough - my AD used to occasionally lash out when she felt very unregulated, and this was far less tolerated by other parents than with boys of her age. I understand parents wanting to protect their children, but I was very struck by the different and much more accepting 'boys will be boys' response when it was boys involved in hitting or kicking, compared with some of over the top behaviour I witnessed in response to my AD (who was aged 6 and 7 when the worst of this was happening) - and even then it was far from extreme by any measure, in the schools own words. The mum's reaction you describe Mac123 does seem to be pretty over the top. But yes, kids do notice how other parents respond to them....my daughter has said a couple of times that she's seen how so and so's mum doesn't like her, and it does make me sad.

I am really sorry about what you and your daughter are experiencing. I don't think the teacher and the school should accommodate those mother' s wishes though. Your daughter's behaviour was normal 10 year old behaviour. My daughter is 11 and just lashed out at two boys at school, because she felt she had to defend a friend. The school made her apologize and told me what happened. That was it - and that is an appropriate response for this age group I think. These things happen every day at every primary school. To try to stop your daughter from communicating with the other girl is not teaching either of them any useful strategies on how to deal with situations like these. The school should let the mother know that excluding others is neither okay for children nor for parents.

Sivier - completely identify with everything you have said - she takes it hard - what she does is just be in absolute denial - says that they ‘are’ her friend even though she knows deep down that she is being rejected - and becomes quite obsessive. She also talks about the mums not liking her, ignoring her when she waves, etc. What she tends to do is have a big cry when she finally accepts it - then she springs back and Is ready to give the kid complete space and find someone else to play with. I think I took all this harder than she seems to in the end. She just handled today fine after a couple of fraught weeks. I need thicker skin with these women.

Yes Safia - I think you are right with that. I’m a teacher too so seeing from inside a school is different to how parents are with who gets to be around their kids.

Yep agreed Chestnut tree - the kid has told my kid that her mum says she is not allowed to play with her - ever. Had we not worked on it, that could have been devastating for her but she had accepted how the girl felt after we faced the subject last night with lots of tears - and she was ready - she just said ‘ok then’. SO proud!

The teacher pretty much has that approach - let them find a solution otherwise they are not developing any new strategies - I was working with mine anyway on giving space and not obsessing or being posessive so no need to drop big statements like that - but they are who they are.